Performance Program for America 250

Starring Donald J. Trump

A One-Night-Only Patriotic Variety Spectacular

Presented by the Department of Historical Revision and Selective Memory

In celebration of America’s 250th birthday, President Donald J. Trump proudly presents a dazzling four-hour multimedia extravaganza combining music, magic, exotic animals, military flyovers, cosmetic medicine, reality television, and whatever else was available on short notice.

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ACT I: THE RETURN OF THE GOLDEN EAGLE

1. Presidential Overture

A 900-piece marching band performs “Hail to the Chief” while twelve bald eagles unsuccessfully attempt to land on the President’s shoulders.

Trump Costume: Revolutionary War uniform covered in rhinestones, powdered wig modified to resemble his signature hairstyle, gold epaulets the size of throw pillows.

Lighting: Gold. Just gold.

Visual Effects: Confetti cannons fire copies of executive orders into the audience.

 

2. “Soldier of Love” (originally sung by Donny Osmond)

Trump emerges from inside a giant replica Constitution while Hawaiian Tropic bikini dancers dressed as Electoral College votes slowly orbit him.

Trump Costume: White military-style Elvis jumpsuit with gold stars, oversized aviator sunglasses, sequined flag-lined cape.

Lighting: Pulsing red, white, and blue spotlights.

Visual Effects: A 40-foot animatronic bald eagle spreads its wings behind the stage.

 

3. Motorcycle Shadow Box Illusion

Trump appears in a mysterious steel chamber sitting atop a Harley-Davidson.

Trump is shouting that before the Iran war the Harley-Davidson could only hold $13 worth of gas but now can hold $30. Amazing!

Trump repeatedly pumps his fists.

Trump attempts to jump the motorcycle through a ring of fire but can’t get it off the kickstand. He remains seated awkwardly until the fire burns out and several Secret Service agents help him dismount.

Trump Costume: Leather biker jacket reading “MAKE HARLEYS GREAT AGAIN,” gold motorcycle gloves, eagle-emblazoned boots.

Lighting: Chrome reflections and rotating searchlights.

Visual Effects: Giant video screens display increasingly impossible gas prices.

 

4. The Presidential Portrait Gallery

The curtains part to reveal the official Presidential Portrait Gallery.

Music Cue: “Wrecking Ball” (Miley Cyrus)

Trump enters carrying a gold-plated sledgehammer.

He immediately smashes the portraits of Obama, Biden, Clinton, and Carter while the audience chants “USA! USA!”

When he reaches Lincoln, the crowd boos.

Trump quickly skips Lincoln and destroys Jimmy Carter a second time.

Trump Costume: Gold velvet museum curator tuxedo with rhinestone work gloves.

Lighting: Dramatic museum-gallery spotlights.

Visual Effects: Flying picture frames, patriotic dust clouds, giant scoreboards, instant replay graphics, telestrator circles, and slow-motion replays of every smash.

 

5. “Who?” (originally sung by The Who)

Performed while giant screens display every person Trump has ever claimed not to know.

Audience participation encouraged.

Trump Costume: Giant detective trench coat covered in crossed-out name tags.

Lighting: Interrogation-room spotlights sweep across the crowd.

Visual Effects: Faces appear and disappear like a game of political Whac-A-Mole.

 

6. Vanishing Big Mac Illusion

Trump consumes 24 Big Macs stacked into a giant golden pyramid while Joey Chestnut provides live commentary from ringside.

After finishing, Trump announces he could easily eat 50 but is “saving room for democracy.”

Joey Chestnut is not allowed to eat.

Trump Costume: Gold McDonald’s manager blazer, red power tie, presidential seal replacing the Golden Arches.

Lighting: Warm golden fast-food glow.

Visual Effects: Hundreds of holographic Big Macs float throughout the arena.

 

7. “Close Every Door” (originally by Andrew Lloyd Webber / Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat)

A dramatic performance while White House staffers frantically attempt to keep various investigations from entering.

Trump Costume: Pharaoh-inspired gold-and-red Joseph-style robe.

Lighting: Stark prison-cell beams and dramatic shadows.

Visual Effects: Doors continuously appear across the stage and slam shut on their own.

 

8. Lincoln Convertible Car Illusion

A vintage presidential limousine vanishes.

It reappears moments later in a Florida golf course parking lot filled with classified documents and an angry alligator.

Trump Costume: White golf attire with presidential seal embroidered on every visible surface.

Lighting: Bright Americana reds and blues.

Visual Effects: Thousands of golf balls rain from the rafters.

 

9. Grand Menagerie Parade

White tigers, lions, elephants, peacocks, and several members of Congress circle the arena.

The audience is challenged to identify which are endangered species.

Just kidding! It’s a trap.

Trump and Donald Trump Jr. immediately begin hunting them in front of the crowd.

Trump Costume: Jungle explorer outfit, pith helmet, gold binoculars, tiger-striped sash, safari shorts somehow tailored like a business suit.

Lighting: Jungle greens and sunset oranges.

Visual Effects: Giant tropical foliage grows across LED walls while dramatic safari drums pound.

 

10. “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” (originally by Donny Osmond, from Mulan)

Performed with a chorus of cabinet nominees carrying oversized résumés who refuse to confirm a president can only serve two terms.

Trump Costume: Five-star general’s uniform featuring approximately twelve stars.

Lighting: Military-style searchlights.

Visual Effects: Giant recruiting posters animate and salute.

 

11. The Mechanical Dragon

A six-story fire-breathing dragon labeled “THE DEEP STATE” emerges from beneath the stage.

Trump battles it using only executive orders.

The dragon receives a 61% approval rating.

Trump Costume: Gold-plated dragon-slayer armor featuring shoulder pads the size of Buicks and a ceremonial sword named “EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE.”

Lighting: Fiery reds and volcanic ambers.

Visual Effects: Real flames, smoke cannons, and giant polling numbers.

 

12. NewsMaxxing Levitation

Trump floats eighteen feet above the crowd while reading favorable polling data.

Audience members below receive commemorative neck braces.

Every time Trump rises another foot, giant Newsmax graphics explode across the screens.

Trump Costume: White televangelist suit embroidered with Nielsen ratings and poll numbers.

Lighting: Heavenly white beams.

Visual Effects: Poll numbers scroll across clouds projected onto the ceiling.

 

13. “Puppy Love” (originally by Paul Anka)

Performed alongside twenty-four golden retriever puppies.

The puppies receive higher applause ratings.

Trump Costume: Cozy cream-colored cardigan covered in embroidered puppy faces.

Lighting: Warm golden glow.

Visual Effects: Giant puppy paw prints animate across the stage floor.

 

14. Star-Spangled Banner Illusion

The American flag unfolds to cover the arena.

When removed, everyone discovers they’ve been automatically switched to Trump Mobile at $250 per month.

Trump Costume: American flag tuxedo with matching top hat.

Lighting: Massive patriotic floodlighting.

Visual Effects: Fireworks projected onto the arena dome.

 

15. “I’m Your Puppet” (originally by James & Bobby Purify)

Performed with twenty-foot-tall marionettes representing cable news networks.

The strings appear to lead in every direction.

Trump Costume: All black clothes, headset microphone, soft rhythm dance shoes, giant marionette controls.

Lighting: Television-static effects and flashing studio lights.

Visual Effects: Giant puppet strings descend over the audience.

 

INTERMISSION

16. Official Presidential Rejuvenation Ceremony

A 35-minute intermission featuring a live blood transfusion administered by White House physicians.

A military brass ensemble performs soft jazz standards while technicians replace several key components.

Merchandise carts sell commemorative IV bags.

Trump Costume: Presidential hospital gown embroidered with gold eagles and stock charts.

Lighting: Clinical hospital white.

Visual Effects: Vital signs displayed on giant Jumbotrons like a sporting event. Sign blinks repeatedly ‘PERFECT HEALTH’ ‘6-3, 224 lbs with 4.8% body fat! ‘

 

ACT II: AMERICA RELOADED

17. Email From The Future

Trump receives an email allegedly sent from the year 2126.

The message simply reads:

“Still talking about the 2020 election.”

Thunderous applause.

Trump spends twelve minutes attempting to reply-all to the year 2126.

Trump Costume: Chrome future-president suit with a glowing red necktie.

Lighting: Futuristic neon blue.

Visual Effects: Floating holographic inbox notifications.

 

18. “The Twelfth of Never” (originally by Johnny Mathis)

Performed while clocks throughout the arena slowly spin backwards.

Trump Costume: Giant gold grandfather-clock jacket whose hands permanently point to 11:59.

Lighting: Twilight blues and purples.

Visual Effects: Giant clock faces melt across LED screens.

 

19. Shadow Stage Horse Illusion

Using Siegfried & Roy-inspired mirror effects, Trump appears riding a magnificent white horse.

The horse begins receiving louder applause than Trump.

After several minutes, Trump orders the horse removed from the show.

The horse immediately receives a book deal, podcast contract, and exploratory presidential committee.

Trump Costume: Crystal-covered cowboy suit with ten-gallon hat and six-foot cape reading “YEE-HAW TO THE CHIEF.”

Lighting: Ethereal moonlight.

Visual Effects: Mirrors create endless horses stretching into infinity.

 

20. Words (originally by Bee Gees)

Trump sings “Words” by Bee Gees while perched on a stool.

Thousands of giant floating words descend from the ceiling:

“INCREDIBLE”

“TREMENDOUS”

“WITCH HUNT”

“VERY LEGAL”

“PERFECT CALL”

“TOTAL EXONERATION”

“MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING”

“FRANKLY”

“SIR”

T-shirt canon shoots into crowd with t-shirts with words on them. Those audience members are charged for the free shirts before being allowed to exit.

One giant “SIR” drifts slowly over the crowd like the Goodyear Blimp.

Trump Costume: Suit printed entirely with his own catchphrases.

Lighting: Bright campaign-rally lighting.

Visual Effects: Words drift through the arena like parade balloons.

 

21. Blu / UFO Illusions

A squadron of UFOs appears above the audience.

Trump immediately announces tariffs on the alien civilization and proposes building a space wall around Earth. Badly choreographed fight sequence shows Trump besting the Alien leader ( who is Stephen Miller in a Walmart Halloween costume)

Trump Costume: Gold Space Force Supreme Commander uniform featuring 17 medals for battles that never happened.

Lighting: Green alien glows and strobe effects.

Visual Effects: Flying saucers hover over audience sections.

 

22. “How Deep Is Your Love” (originally by Bee Gees)

Performed while standing atop a mountain of classified documents.

Trump Costume: Full Bee Gees disco ensemble with aggressively displayed chest hair and a medallion the size of a dinner plate.

Lighting: Disco-era blue and silver spotlights.

Visual Effects: Sensitive files cascade from the rafters like snow.

 

23. Frank the T-REX

A life-sized Tyrannosaurus appears.

Trump appoints it Secretary of the Interior.

The Senate confirms it unanimously after Frank promises to “eat the bureaucracy.”

Trump Costume: Khaki safari suit with gold epaulets and dinosaur-tooth cufflinks.

Lighting: Jurassic jungle lighting.

Visual Effects: Earthquake simulators shake the audience seats.

 

24. Sawing Reporter in Half Illusion

A journalist is sawed in half.

It’s pretty graphic and bloody, journalist is not put back together. Huge mess.

Trump Costume: Classic Vegas magician tuxedo with a cape lined in fact-check corrections.

Lighting: Traditional Vegas magic-show spotlighting.

Visual Effects: Giant saw blades descend dramatically from the ceiling.

 

25. “When I Fall in Love” (originally by Victor Young; popularized by Nat King Cole)

Accompanied by a montage of dictators, former allies, current allies, future allies, and people currently under indictment.

Trump Costume: White Sinatra-style dinner jacket with gold roses.

Lighting: Soft romantic amber glow.

Visual Effects: Heart-shaped confetti mixed with legal subpoenas.

 

26. “Happy Birthday” (Traditional)

Performed by Trump singing into an enormous gold-encrusted mirror.

He ends by very sloppily wet-kissing his reflection.

The orchestra attempts to end the song three separate times.

Trump continues singing and licking mirror.

The kissing goes on uncomfortably long.

Trump Costume: Giant birthday-cake tuxedo complete with blinking candle shoulders.

Lighting: Giant birthday-cake projection.

Visual Effects: Sparkler fountains erupt around the stage.

 

27. Tiger Sanctuary Spectacular

Thirty white tigers that have been spray painted red, white and blue perform synchronized choreography to Cats’ Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. 

Trump Costume: Red, white and blue tiger-striped cape and crystal jungle crown.

Lighting: Patriotic jungle lighting.

Visual Effects: Massive American flags unfurl behind the cats.

 

28. “Beat It” (originally by Michael Jackson)

Trump performs the entire dance routine while holding copies of his impeachments, lawsuits, investigations, and convictions.

He moonwalks for approximately three seconds before tripping over an untied Florsheim shoelace.

The spotlight gets so hot that his orange makeup begins dripping into a collection bucket.

Commemorative jars are available in the lobby.

Trump Costume: Sparkling Michael Jackson-inspired jacket with one tiny sequined glove.

Lighting: Concert-style spotlight.

Visual Effects: One spotlight follows Trump everywhere.

 

29. Donny’s Back in Town / Come Rain or Come Shine / Viva Las Vegas / Luck Be a Lady / Days of Wine and Roses / May Each Day / Moon River / In My Life

(originally by Donny Osmond / Harold Arlen / Elvis Presley / Frank Loesser / Henry Mancini / Andy Williams / Andy Williams / The Beatles)

A 22-minute costume-change spectacular.

Costume Changes Include:

• Gold tuxedo
• Gold military uniform
• Gold astronaut suit
• Gold NASCAR driver outfit
• Gold pope robes
• Gold king’s mantle
• Gold Statue of Liberty costume
• Slightly darker gold tuxedo

Lighting: Every lighting cue available in North America.

Visual Effects: Pyrotechnics exceed several state regulations.

 

30. Grand Finale: “Let’s All Dance” (originally by Donny Osmond)

Every performer returns:

• White tigers
• Snow leopards
• Elephants
• T-Rex
• Mechanical dragon
• UFOs
• Motorcycles
• Cabinet members
• Founding Fathers impersonators
• The horse
• Giant gold mirror
• White House physicians
• Frank the T-Rex

Trump descends from the ceiling inside a giant animatronic bald eagle while lasers spell:

AMERICA 250:

TWO AND A HALF CENTURIES OF WINNING

 

The giant eagle circles the arena three times before becoming stuck in the rafters.

While stagehands attempt a rescue, Trump declares the performance the greatest theatrical achievement in American history.

Trump Costume: A 40-foot-tall animatronic golden eagle suit carrying Trump inside the chest cavity like a parade float.

Lighting: Every light in DC area simultaneously flashing.

Visual Effects: 250,000 fireworks, drone formations, laser storms, artificial tornadoes, and a flyover by every aircraft currently operational.

The evening concludes with a final announcement that tickets for America 300 are already on sale.