The audience was thrilled. Moved, floored, jumping out of their seats in sheer adulation. They continued to jeer and stomp and throw rotten vegetables at just me and no one else.
So come on out and get out the vote for the Democratic Party’s last hope for winning back the Senate. Just don’t google him.
We’re not killing Dr. King’s dream, we’re just removing the problem entirely from our line of sight so that it no longer exists. Not seeing color isn’t racism repackaged, it’s true equality.
I didn’t want this to happen. When I went to Petco and looked for the best guinea pig to defend all the other guinea pigs, I felt confident that I was walking away with the right one. But recently, some disturbing accusations have come to light. In the wake of these alleged scandals, I may be forced to do the unthinkable: Replace this guinea pig with a slightly larger, more calculated guinea pig. From a different Petco, of course.
But what about my unspoken grief of having to listen to my mother-in-law complain about not being a grandparent? I don’t hear the New York Times knocking on my barren front door for a quote.
But then, a beacon of light emerged from the darkness, in the form of my friends’ mom sliding into my Instagram DM’s with a weird, out-of-context reel where a few self-described gay people I’ve literally never seen or heard of before informed me that I shouldn’t be concerned at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I should be relieved and grateful that Trump won, because he is the biggest champion of LGBTQ rights.
“Does this afterbirth make me look fat?”
Wildlife researchers at the University of Wisconsin — Oshkosh found that nearly 50 percent of instances where a bear might charge is due to the fact that this is a coffee shop and you ordered an iced mocha. If your total is $6.50, calmly tap your card, wish the bear a pleasant rest of their day, and go about your business. However, if the screen displays a tip option, be careful not to hit 10 percent. Studies found that this will agitate the bear.
Did Trump say he was going to be “a dictator on day one” only a few months ago? Sure, he did. When he says his opponents are “vermin” who need to be “rooted out,” he’s definitely not echoing fascist rhetoric from Italy and Germany in the 1930s. He’s just testing out his latest Benito Mussolini impression before his residency at the Palm.
I am not here to dig up the past or uncover old wounds. Relationships don’t always work out, and it was for the best that Mr. Vance and I went our separate ways. However, during my stay in his apartment, I became privy to a number of concerning views that Mr. Vance holds.
But whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with Eduardo. If you do, he’ll call you a derogatory slur and then shoot you with a very real gun. We’re still working out some bugs. However, Eduardo’s gun is decorated with the lesbian pride flag. He might be a $17 million dollar gay male NYPD subway security robot, but deep down he’s just an ally doing his best.
You shall not steal. Unless you’re stealing your ideals for governing from autocratic oligarchs. In that case, be our guest.
Life is an orgy and I wasn’t really invited, but showed up anyway.
In adulthood, the monkey bars become a rare and mythical concept. Like a unicorn, or a pickleback shot you don’t immediately regret. But if you’re like me, you’re either looking to recapture a shred of your childlike innocence, or you’re seeking revenge against Amelia, who beat you in the monkey bars contest in 3rd grade. Here are a few things you should consider.
Tom is a spirit with bat wings and a tail, condemned to a cell that just so happens to be 12-stories directly below this Park Slope apartment’s coat closet. Tom is eternally on fire. He is also the love of my life.
Jesus, Take My Taxes: If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I’d also like him to take my taxes. He doesn’t even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don’t have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
With songs like “I Like Rap Now (But Not Black People)” “America Is Racist (Against White Men)” “I Am 40 Years Old and Scared of the Dark” And more!
We matched on Hinge. He didn’t message me for two weeks, so obviously I was super intrigued. We started talking, and I found out he’s an accountant who failed high school algebra three times.
The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull.
I don’t work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting “looks like you’ve been eating well” on your vacation pictures.
To rob a bank, you don’t need a gun. You need heart. You also need an accomplice, a getaway driver, and nuns’ costumes like in The Town, from critically-acclaimed director Ben Affleck.
GOP diversity consultant, Melting wax figure of Tucker Carlson, Busboy at Trump Grill, and more!
As part of InStyle’s history issue, we’re holding our beauty blenders up to the annals of time to examine the skincare routine of Founding Father George Washington. Your history teacher probably glossed over the fact that Georgie was known from sea-to-shining-sea for his luminous skin and microscopic pores. Keep in mind, this was several years before the popularity of electricity or Vogue’s Youtube channel.
“I Lost Half a Day of Skiing” Lyrics by Gwyneth Paltrow, performed by Gwyneth Paltrow / Did you know? Did you know I lost half a day of skiing? / That’s six hours orrr—How long my vagina candle burns!
We are not the same. We are both made with a combination of eggs, perhaps a splash of milk, a variety of vegetables, sometimes a sprinkle of ham, and if you’re disgusting, more bacon than eggs. But that’s where the similarities end.
“Have ye inquired of the Lord? He was supposed to be here two millennia ago.” – 1 Nephi 15:8
At the Food Network, we pride ourselves on producing shows that showcase and explore the rich culinary world and most importantly, educating and entertaining our viewers. However, “exploring the rich culinary world” does not include hunting down our own hosts. We truly cannot believe this happened a second time.
Following her back on Instagram from your official government account. Breaking it off with your second slightly more secret girlfriend. A dog. She needs emotional support from somewhere. And more!
I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.
Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple, Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography, English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing, and more!
I know I’m not the problem. The problem is women and algorithms. Women are too complicated, and so are algorithms. Put the two together, and you have a dating puzzle that not even the smartest man (Joe Montana) can solve.