NOW HIRING: Reverse Psychologist
You don’t really want this job. You wouldn’t be good at it and probably wouldn’t like it. Don’t call 425-569-1014 for more details.
WANTED: Small Intestine Model For Medical TV Show
Ever watch medical dramas on TV when they put the camera through the patient’s bowels while watching on a big screen and think, “Gee, I wonder whose intestines those are.” Well they can be yours!
SALESPERSON, Ray’s Used/Pre-Owned Coffins
Are you tired of burying your loved ones in a big expensive box you’ll never even see again? Well come on down to Ray’s Used Coffin Emporium where the only thing getting buried is the competition!
HIRING: Cootie Surgeon, Columbia Presbyterian Hospital
This hospital has a proven track record of being ready for anything: Ebola, Zika, Bird Flu, the list goes on. Help us in our quest for a healthier tomorrow by ridding the world of cooties and administering cooties shots for the world over.
SEEKING: Teen-Parent Translator
Our Elizabeth just turned 13 and has made it very clear that we are not to be spoken to any more. We are looking for someone to help translate her eye rolls and “pfff” sounds into coherent American English.
NOW HIRING: Actor to Play My Friend, Stephen
Last night my long-term girlfriend asked me where I had been all night. I panicked and said at Stephen’s apartment. She now wants to set up a dinner party to meet Stephen. If you are named Stephen (Photo ID Required) and are willing to help me out of a jam with my girlfriend, please call.
WANTED: Hot Dog Cart on 43rd and Lexington – Internship
I am a hot dog cart vendor on a very popular street corner. I am seeking an intern for my cart. Responsibilities include arguing in gibberish languages with customers, informing people we are out of all condiments they request (we never had them to begin with), and shielding my back from the cold. School credit and lunch will be provided as compensation.
SEEKING: Model for New Walk/Don’t Walk Signs
Are you a large white and red man with a figure described as “boxy” or “plain figure”? We have got an exciting new opportunity for you! The NYC Board of Transportation is seeking a new model for the walk/don’t walk street signs to be based on. Be a part of New York City culture by being featured on a sign that people will ignore every day!
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Tim Latterner is the leading expert on pizza folding techniques, black and white cookies, and all things sandwich related. He has written for CollegeHumor, Playboy Magazine, MAD Magazine, and a bunch of other humor publications. He’s a good guy, you should get to know him.