Originals

President Trump’s Cabinet Member Selections

by Kit Lively

Citizens of these great United States, you can now rest easy.    While President-Elect Trump may not have the experience of those typically selected for his new position, he has wisely chosen to surround himself with a group of those who are, as President Lincoln once succinctly put it, “of the people, by the people, for the people”.    Well, at the very least, they are technically people.    And that’s a start, right?   

So join us in breathing a well-earned sigh of relief as President-Elect Trump debuts his Cabinet of the United States:

Secretary of Agriculture and Agriculture Related Jokes

Larry the Cable Guy

Secretary of Commerce

Gene Simmons



(“The guy is able to sell anything with the KISS logo on it to his dipshit fans,” Trump said. “He’s the right guy for the job.”)

Secretary of Defense

Dennis Hopper

(“He’s dead? Well, shit.” Trump later said. “I’m going to keep him anyway, because having him on the list makes me seem cool.”)

Secretary of Education

Jessica Simpson

(“Yeah, yeah… I know…” commented Trump, “”But have you seen those tits?”)

Secretary of Energy and Being a Complete Fucking Lunatic

Ted Nugent

Secretary of Health and Human Services and Being Drunk and Fingered By a Guy She Met Five Minutes Ago

Snooki

Secretary of Homeland Security and Protecting the Country From Gay Marriage

Chuck Norris

Secretary of the Real Housing of Washington and Urban Development

Lisa Rinna

Secretary of Interior

Paula Deen

(“I just figured, she has agoraphobia, so… oh, is that not what ‘interior’ means?” Trump was later heard to comment.)

Secretary of Labor

Freddie Prinze, Jr.

(Trump just wants to have Sarah Michelle Gellar over to the White House as often as possible).

Secretary of State

Adam Sandler

(“The favorite film-maker of the majority of my followers; it just makes sense.” said Trump.)

Secretary of TransGenderPortation

Caitlyn Jenner

Secretary of Treasury

Styx

(“They’re going to play ‘Babe’ every time I walk into the Oval Office. It’s going to be awesome.”, grinned Trump.)

Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs

Gerald McRaney

(“Was Major Dad, so who better to understand the needs of our veterans?”)

Attorney General in Charge

Scott Baio