Back to the future: so much can change in so little time
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for all your support. I’ve just received a phone call from Sepp Blatter III, who has graciously conceded the race. He’s fought tremendously hard for this position for a long, long time—since his formative days in the research laboratory as a mere cluster of human stem cells to his tireless efforts to ensure free tickets for all citizens to Hamilton the Musical—tremendously hard.
And for that, we owe him a shit ton of gratitude—a shit ton. It is with great humility that I’ve asked for his help and guidance going forward on this crossword puzzle clue I’ve been working on for a while (5 letters: “harmony, a trod upon ideal and distant memory”—I think it starts with a “p”). Oh, also, Sepp sends his congratulations to all of us—because tonight is definitely about us.
And by us, of course, I mean all the American people, including the humans we colonized and bred with just four short decades ago.
Together, we have finally elected the first woman president of the United States of America. And by woman, of course, I mean female human-alien hybrid. But let’s not split hairs here. We can never let semantics get in the way of a good historical moment or our sincere commitment to freedom and democracy.
Speaking of which, we have a long road ahead of us. We must first bridge the divide that runs deep through the radiated core of America. Yes, I’m talking about the sinkhole that recently swallowed the state of Missouri. But with the right infrastructure, there’s no reason we can’t patch things up.
We must have faith in the American people. To forge a viable path for our future. Because, I’m told, there’s some potential there. As your elected leader, I will work tirelessly to improve our economy and will stay true to my plans to renegotiate the Intergalactic Free Trade Agreement, bringing jobs back where they belong: in the hands of robots.
It’s high time we close corporate loopholes, expand boreholes, explore black holes, discover wormholes, board-up peepholes, and obliterate all the assholes who stand in our way. I will also support the exploration of new, more sustainable resources while ensuring we keep our asteroid mining industry strong.
[“I just want to tell you how I’m feeling / Gotta make you understand”]
Yes, I’ve been called many things in my life—a criminal, a fraud, a treacherous embezzler, a philophobic war hawk, a Yankees fan, a racketeering, boner-killing demonolator, and even a feminist—but soon you will refer to me as “Madame President,” or “Your Tremendousness,” if you prefer.
[Crowd speaking in tongues]
Yes, we’ve reached a milestone. But the work isn’t over yet. All of us must work together to increase carbon emissions tenfold so that the scorching heat of the sun may finally penetrate the frozen tundra of the ninth ring of hell.
I also hope to discuss the possibility of lifting sanctions with Saturn, and may even consider reinstating the rule of law.
Finally, I promise to restore the Oval Office by removing all the lockers and benches, and keeping towel whipping to the bare minimum of holidays and supreme court filibusters.
We did it, America. We finally fucking did it.
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Cara Sabatini is a journalist and US expat living in Canada where she continues to pass judgment on her homeland as the publisher of Canada vs America. Her work has appeared in the Boston Globe, Now Magazine, and the Torontoist. Follow her @cc_sabatini and @canadavsamerica.