More Perfect Obituaries from Your Great President, Donald J. Trump

“Robert Mueller just died. Good, I’m glad he’s dead. He can no longer hurt innocent people! President DONALD J. TRUMP”

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Claude Monet 1840 – 1926

Am I glad this loser has been dead a hundred years. They call him a painter! It’s the same goddamn lily pads and bridges everywhere you look. I could paint circles around this lazy French guy without even trying.

Give me Thomas Kinkade anytime over this Monet slob. We haven’t heard a lot from Tom lately, but I’m sure he voted for me twice. He doesn’t paint lily pads until you could puke.

Good riddance to the fat half-blind French loser with the crazy beard!

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Hot Gloria Steinem 1934 – 1974

You’d never believe it, but Gloria Steinem used to be hot. The last year she was hot was in ’74, because we all know that women lose it at 40. Some 39, some 41, but mostly 40. Except for the beautiful Melania, who is so well preserved.

Gloria was a Playboy bunny for a short time, most people don’t know that. I would’ve slept with her but she was so stupid, she became a feminist. Can you believe it? What a waste.

Anyway, bye-bye Gloria, we could’ve had some real fun when you were hot. Too bad!

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Florida Rep. Neal Dunn 1953 – No longer dead by June

“However long I live I’m gonna be voting for you.” Now that’s a guy who should live forever, right? That’s what Neal said to me when I saved his life. I gave him the best medical care, fit for only the President of the United States. But I gave it to you, Neal.

Why don’t you put that promise on your tombstone in case your ticker turns out to be a lemon? Your grieving family will always remember how much you loved Donald J. Trump!

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Mike Pence 1959 – Maybe should’ve been 2021

You’re a big disappointment, Mike Pence, you know that right? You shivved me in 2021. We all heard what the people said, “Hang Mike Pence.” Those are very strong words, Mike. I won’t say “very true words.” But you know I won in a landslide and you wouldn’t do the right thing as my VP. That’s no good, Mike.

You’re going to Hell, Mike Pence. You’re headed downstairs. You committed a big big sin, Mike, unforgivable. Good luck!

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Donald J. Trump  1946 – Never Dying

I’m in perfect health, so I’m never going to die. My doctors say, “Mr. President, we have never seen such a magnificent specimen, how do you do it?” I pass all the tests, I know all the words. No matter how many words, I say them right back.

But if I ever die, I’m going to heaven immediately. A split second I’ll be there in heaven, talking to God. God is perfect they say. We’ll see. God made the radical left lunatics. Is that perfect? I didn’t make them. So maybe I’m perfect and God is almost perfect. Not quite, but almost, pretty close.

So I’ll be in heaven with God and we’ll both be looking down at Mike Pence in Hell. Too bad, Mikey, you have to burn in Hell with the Devil and the radical left loonies. You did a big sin when you certified against me, Mikey. You know that, right?

You can pray all you want to, it won’t help. We don’t care, Mikey, me and God. Also Jesus and Mary. Mary is a virgin, did you know that?

So long, Mikey, burning in Hell. Always remember, the virgin doesn’t care. Bye-bye!