An Oral History of Your Mom
Your mom’s reputation is known far and wide. So this Mother’s Day, we’ve gathered her fondest admirers to extol her historic virtues.
Entries by Ryan David
Air Traffic Control Exam for Onboarding Members of ICE
This assessment is intended to expedite the onboarding of ICE agents as air traffic controllers, per DHS order to relieve government shutdown-related staff shortages. You are allowed one college-ruled notebook paper as a reference sheet. Please answer every question.
Boeing’s Quality Control Team Meets to Discuss Safety and Bird Attacks
BOB: Take a seat, team. Liz is right. We have to go into damage-control mode and get to the bottom of this crash. But we need to ask the right questions.
LIZ: How could this happen?
BOB: Wrong question.
CARTER: Who’s responsible?
BOB: Even more wrong.
WILLIAM: Who can we blame?
BOB: Bingo.
I’m the Silica Gel Packet in Your Beef Jerky Bag and Actually, Please Eat Me
Ah, I get it. Your gut is too good for me, deserving only the finest dried cow scrotum to complement a thriving colony of microplastics. Sorry that I can’t be caviar, crème brûlée, or the massive cheese block you fiendishly inhaled in bed at 3 AM. I guess there are humans unafraid to expand the frontier of edible exploration and those who suck down Skittles à la Hungry Hungry Hippos.