Newest Additions To The Cultural Lexicon

The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you're still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!

Little Known Facts About St. Patrick’s Day

Large cities like Chicago dye their river green each year to blend in any vomit spewed by people who’ve been drinking since 10 AM. Every time a drunk man stumbles, a leprechaun gets its wings. Corned beef and cabbage exist only on this holiday. Any leftover corned beef and cabbage will turn into a honey-glazed Easter ham at the stroke of midnight. And more!


R2U2, HAL and Oats, Stone Temple Autopilots, and more #RobotARockBand on this week's trending joke game!

I’m Saint Patrick and I’m Back to Fix America’s #1 Problem: Snakes 

May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want.

Ron DeSantis Never Gave Lap Dances And Eight Other Newly Discovered Examples of the Mandela Effect

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis first rose to fame as a founding member of the Chippendales erotic dance group. But it didn’t really happen. DeSantis never actually thrilled women in any capacity. The above is a classic example of the Mandela Effect. That’s when thousands of people “remember” something that didn’t exist, like Curious George having a tail, or King Henry VIII holding a turkey leg. Are these mass misconceptions a coincidence, or are people tapping into an awareness of an alternate reality? Read on for more examples of this bizarre phenomenon. 

I'm Speaking to the Server at This Portuguese Restaurant in French, Goddamnit

I’m back from my study abroad in France, everyone.

GLUMMER Magazine

It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn't: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!

Introducing: LinkedIn Dating

Once you’ve selected your top candidate, you may make them an offer and negotiate start date*, and benefits package. Additionally if you are just looking for a one night stand, try I’mEasyApply to fast track filling the position. Happy recruiting!


Crappy Meal, Murder King, SmackDonalds, and more #FuriousFastFood on this week's trending joke game!

Conversations I’ve Had With My Playlist 

Undone - The Sweater Song - Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.

Alternative Names For Wisdom Teeth

Prudent Molars, Insightful Incisors, Astute Fangs, and more!

I’m an Egg Bake, and You Peasants Need To Stop Calling Me an Omelet

We are not the same. We are both made with a combination of eggs, perhaps a splash of milk, a variety of vegetables, sometimes a sprinkle of ham, and if you’re disgusting, more bacon than eggs. But that’s where the similarities end. 

Movies In the Cocaine Bear Cinematic Universe

Alcohol Walrus, Weed Donkey, Ether Bunny, and more!

The Bullshit Artist

George Santos, as we know, is also an international film star, he and his co-star Kitara Ravache, are up for an Oscar in the new film, The Bullshit Artist'! It's remarkable, with his animal charity work, elected office, and work as a eyewear model, that he finds the time to do it all! Fingers crossed!

Student Loan Acceptance: A Solution Brought to You By the Grand Old Party

Allow us, your humble allies in this pursuit of equality, to present a couple steps, also known as the Five Stages of Grief, to help you navigate and ultimately accept the overwhelming heartache that comes with knowing 19% of all your paychecks will be forfeit to your student loans as long as you draw breath.


Close Encounters of the Turd Kind, R2-PU, Dr. Who Farted? and more #SmellySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

HBO Highlights Its Very Original, Very Unique Content

Rich People Being Absolute Lunatics, Iconic Show From The 90’s, Epic Fantasy Show That Costs A Trillion Dollars, and more!

Items in My House Ranked by How Quickly They Slid Down the Guggenheim Ramp

Ceramic Penguin Wearing A Top Hat: This little guy is a survivor. He rolled past the increasingly suspicious security guards before bouncing off some lady’s shoe, flying past Picasso’s Woman with Yellow Hair and landing in the back of a stroller. He rode the descent in style with the penguin tipping his hat at me.

News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection

Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.


Tabooze, Connect Pour, Guess Who got drunk, and more #BoozyBoardGames on this week's trending joke game!

We at the EPA Assure You This Liquid Is Only a Little Spilled Milk and It’s Nothing to Cry Over

We’d love to hand out some cash and stick around for the cleanup, but unfortunately, we only cover large natural disasters and not a little milk spillage. 

21 Voting Groups Now Vying for the Position Formerly Held By Soccer Moms 

Badminton Aunts, Pinball Wizards, Pickleball Playing Bros, and more!

1-Star Reviews of Major United States Landmarks

The Statue of Liberty: Didn’t move as much as in the Ghostbusters film. In fact, it barely moved at all. I stared at it the whole time I was there and it hardly moved. If it did, it was really slight. 1 star. And more!

At This Performance of “Hairspray”, the Role of Wilbur Turnblad Will Be Played by You, Get Up There

We are fully aware that YOU Are an AUDIENCE MEMBER Who came here with no intention of playing WILBUR TURNBLAD But like I Mentioned, it’s what our call sheet says...

Wendy's Daily Planner

5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!

What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents

Aaron Burr: Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”, Jimmy Carter: Recycled, Dick Cheney: Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker. And more!


Kink 182, Buns n Roses, Nippleback, and more #SexyRockBands on this week’s trending joke game!

The Forgotten Tragedy of the Night President Lincoln Died by the Ghost of Actor Harry Hawk

Alone on the stage midway through Act III, I deliver the line of lines. You know it well. Say it with me: "Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!" I know, I can scarcely pen the words such does my body quake with laughter. They just don’t write them like that anymore, do they? I knew that moment would punch my ticket to New York and superstardom. So, naturally, I nail the line, slaying my rapturous audience (perhaps not the finest turn of phrase given the circumstances, but paper and ink are not cheap so onward) when the shot rings out from the president’s box. As you can imagine, the distraction pretty much stopped the show flow like an Edison phonograph scratch.

Exciting New Nail Polish Colors for Spending Your Valentine’s Day Home Alone!

Bold Red Alone in Bed with Snacks and “Jane Eyre” on Netflix, the Michael Fassbender One, Berry Naughty Thoughts About Michael Fassbender, Sexy Fishnet Stalkings of Michael Fassbender’s Full Frontal Pics Online, and more!

Valentine’s Day Messages, as Dictated by My Kindergartner, Prior to My Suggested Edits

"Cameron. I hope you don't get sent to the cool down zone on Valentine's Day, because then you will miss the Valentine's Party." "Henry. You are so funny with your tiny little smile." And more!

Your New Favorite Super Bowl Betting Apps!

OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.

Start Enjoying This Catalog You Think You’re Too Young To Get

Sure, you can put on your Clash and your Bush and your Kate Bush, but playing them on vinyl doesn’t make you young and wired. It makes you old enough to have the original albums before CDs were invented. Let’s talk tweed.


Asspresso, Dickaffeinated, Chock Full O Butts, and more #CrassCoffee on this week's trending joke game!

I Want a Refund on This Wedding Photography Package Because All You Did Was Focus on Cats

I have seven nieces and only one of them’s in a photo. But even in that one, her face is hidden behind a manx wearing a large felt hat like Meghan Markle. Couldn’t you have moved her? Also, couldn’t you have focused on my bridesmaids in their fabulous dresses and not kittens in ill-fitting cummerbunds?

Better Ways to Lay Off Employees Than Locking Them Out of Their Email

Snail mail, delivered by an actual snail, Elaborate scroll inside the Cryptex from The Da Vinci Code, Inception, and more!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Saints Who Are Always Running Late

“Have ye inquired of the Lord? He was supposed to be here two millennia ago.” - 1 Nephi 15:8

Truly Terrible Signs That You Were Abducted By Aliens And Then Mindwiped

Large portions of the Bible no longer make very much sense. Rebel flag in the front yard is now hot pink and purple rather than red and blue. VHS tape of Legally Blonde 2 obviously watched but not rewound. And more!

Satan Announcing Layoffs In Hell

For those we are letting go, we will be offering generous severance packages including the souls of 10,000 babies and a gift card to Spencers Gifts, the official retail partner of hell.


Ewwwwcalyptus, Dumpkin Spice, Poor Pourri, and more #SadScents on this week's trending joke game!

For Fail-Safe Security, Hire Me, a Four-Pound Chihuahua

I may be small, but I am no toy. My 3.2 pounds of rippling muscle are built around a heart that races at 180 bpm for the sole purpose of protection. The urge to defend courses through every ounce of my one ounce of purebred blood. I’m genetically obligated to be an absolute dick to everyone but you.

As a Content Creator, The Most Rewarding Part of My Job is Calling Myself a Content Creator

See those contents on that computer screen? I put some of that in there. I'm a maker of #mediastuff. You could call me a #mediacontributor, basically. Sometimes I just fill boxes with words for the sake of it. Gotta meet that word count.

A Camel Explains Why You Can’t Handle Dry January Like They Can

They’re not cut out for the No-2-O lifestyle that animals like me are built for so for them to make a whole month's challenge out of our lifestyle. Well, that’s just par for the course for these idiots that give mammals a bad name.

News Briefs: Lost Dog Found At Home Of Nicer Family

Plus: Stupid Lemonade Stand Doesn't Have Wi-Fi, Cabbage Enthusiasts Flip The Fuck Out Over National Cabbage Day, Mom Excited About Knowing Mother Of Hostess At Chili's.

Life Recipes for Late Twentysomethings

Day-Long Hangover: Wake up cold, confused, and filled with regret. Leave ample time to rise. Add water consistently–too much at once will oversaturate. Infuse Excedrin in between painful realizations you can no longer drink without consequence. Whisk two McGriddles into your mouth while prone on your couch. Remember you have to work tomorrow.


Crappn, Farters Only, EwwwHarmony, and more #FartyDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

This Year, I Did Something Special for Your Birthday

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.

Quiz: Jon Lovitz as SNL character Tommy Flannigan or Congressman George Santos

Married to Morgan Fairchild, Played Third Base for KC Royals in the World Series, Star of Baruch College volleyball team, President of Pathological Liars Association. And more!

Sex With Me, Sponsored By Brooklinen

Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.

Dog Training for Cowards

Sit and Stay: Ask your dog nicely to sit. If he doesn’t do it, nervously look around to see if anyone noticed him disobeying you. If there’s no one around, pretend you never actually asked him to sit. You will learn to gaslight yourself like this. Similarly, if you ask your dog to stay and he continues to lunge or wander, you must turn it around on yourself. You stay. Stay and wonder why no one ever listens to your requests.

A Guide to Pregaming in Your 40s

EVENT: A concert that starts at 10 pm for no good reason PREGAMING: Crashing on the couch for a 20-minute snooze then inserting Dr. Scholl's insoles into your sensible boots


Beef Strokin' Off, Macaronly Fans, Hard-onara, and more #PervertedPasta on this week's trending joke game!

Lesser Known TV Content Warnings

Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!

Honest Preschool Descriptions 

We charge to put you on a pretend wait list. Our vacation schedule will never overlap with the local elementary school - that’s a promise. Your kid will get lice.

An Apology From the Food Network for Mistaking ”Beat Bobby Flay” as ”Eat Bobby Flay”

At the Food Network, we pride ourselves on producing shows that showcase and explore the rich culinary world and most importantly, educating and entertaining our viewers. However, “exploring the rich culinary world” does not include hunting down our own hosts. We truly cannot believe this happened a second time.

Plateboy Magazine

Coleslaw In The Raw, Open Wide for Open Faced Sandwiches, Grub Hubba Hubba! And more in this issue of Plateboy Magazine!

Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books

'Misery', 'Pet Semetary', 'Christine', 'The Running Man', 'The Shawshank Redemption'...In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.


Brooklyn Wine Wine, S*M*A*S*H*E*D, According to Gin, and more #DrunkSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Letter of Apology from George Santos

Did I make a few fibs about my income along the way? Maybe. It’s not entirely my fault, though. There was that thing at Maya Angelou’s annual solstice party when I thought Sting had asked me, “Are you South American?” To which I answered, “Brazilian”. But what he actually said was, “How much money did you make in 2008?”, and he thought I said, “A bazillion”. An honest mistake, and I realized later but didn’t want to correct him. I mean, it’s Sting.

Welcome to the Many Seasons of TJ Maxx!

February: love is in the air. It's also in your kitchen, bathroom, and foyer. March: more leprechauns than you will ever need. April: same as March, only with rabbits. And more!

Every Human on Earth Looks at Least 30% More Attractive in a Blazer

Not sold on the Blazer Theory? Try picturing every one of your exes. Now, picture them wearing blazers. If you’re still not convinced, repeat the experiment, but replace your exes with your least favorite politicians, or the zombies from The Walking Dead...

Common Wisdom Infused with Billy Joel

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on Billy Joel." "Is it better to have Joeled and lost than never to have Joeled at all?" "Close, but no Billy Joel." And more!

Lesser Known Characters From The Star Wars Universe

Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star's gentlemen's club, The Emperor Says "No Clothes!".   Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.


The Lust Boys, The Princess Ride, When Harry Wet Sally, and more #Slutty80sMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir

'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!

Top 20 Predictions For 2023 by Nostradamus’ Cousin Barney

Laura Ingram promises she will no longer brake for babies or kittens. Snoop Dogg will become Speaker of the House. Lincoln Center is converted into pickleball courts. And more!

New From Sephora: Motor Oil

From Sephora: The maker of Blackcurrant Oil, Argan Oil, Rose Hip Seed Oil, Marula Oil, and Dilo Oil, comes: Motor Oil - Just drizzle a dime-size amount on your palm, put on your finger, and rub under the eyes in a circular motion. Watch as the sulfur antioxidants slowly exfoliate your delicate features.

Clairvoyant Trump's 2023 Predictions

January 6th will become America's most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!

Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2022

Tough choices this year, so many deserving but only so many spots!

Our Gym Would Like to Apologize for Yesterday’s “Train Like A Viking Of Skagafjörður” Workout

It has come to our attention that yesterday’s WoD (workout of the day), The Skagafjörður Viking 9000, has received universal criticism from those in attendance. In an anonymous survey sent earlier today, more than one member mentioned the class caused “explosive head trauma,”“neverending nightmares,” and “plantar fasciitis.”


Staying’ Alive, Staying’ Alive, Supreme Court Vs America, I want a refund, and more #2022in4words on this week's trending joke game!

God's New Year's Resolutions

Finally Fill In Grand Canyon, New Rule That Not All Dogs Go To Heaven, Find Therapist That Doesn't Accuse You Of God Complex, and more!

Only ‘90s Kids Will Remember All These Great Catchphrases from the Best Jim Carrey Movies

“Talk about a series of unfortunate events…in my pants!” A Series of Unfortunate Events, "Does this cable smell like farts to you?" The Cable Guy, “I didn’t fart, JK LOL I did!” Liar Liar, and more!

10 New Year’s Resolutions Jason Definitely Wants Me to Keep This Year

I will sign up for an advanced crochet class to keep my hands busy during Jason’s softball practice (which is every Tuesday and Thursday). I will go to the gym, but only the one where the local softball team, the Beavers, work out. I will not let my past failures to become Jason’s girlfriend define me. And more!

Christmas Song Lyrics that Go Hard to Sell You a New or Preowned Vehicle

“We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hyundai Sonata in your driveway ASAP. A giant red velvet bow will cover most of the hail damage. (Bow sold separately.)

I Saw Mommy Kissing the Easter Bunny (But So Did Santa Claus, Unfortunately)

You shouldn't judge my mother. She was a single mom working a full-time job and raising two small children. Of course, she found it difficult to date men who weren't put off or intimidated by the fact that she had kids. Perhaps it's only natural that she gravitated towards quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures like Santa Claus. He wasn't afraid of children, not in the least. We were the only reason he came around in the first place. That and the cookies.


A Christmas Gory, Funeral Home Alone, The Satan Clause, and more #HellishHolidayMovies on this week's trending joke game!

How to Tell if You’re Lighting the Menorah or Gaslighting the Jewish People

If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting. 

Mrs. Claus' Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Place Frosty's magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa's "Naughty Dungeon". Deep down, he's a good man; we all have our vices. And more!

Wing Man

After more than a century of trying, I was finally an Angel/First Class…ironically. Yes, my Wings were gained via sarcasm. So technically, I have two glowing, glorious Wings growing out of my back now. But they might as well be two glowing, glorious Asterisks.

A Senator’s Holiday Gift Guide For His Secret Girlfriend

Following her back on Instagram from your official government account. Breaking it off with your second slightly more secret girlfriend. A dog. She needs emotional support from somewhere. And more!

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children 

#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season.


All I want for Christmas is Poo, Doo you hear what I hear?, Jingle Smells, and more #CrappyChristmasCarols on this week's trending joke game!

We At HBOMax Have Decided To Cancel Earth

We here at HBO Max are proud to be home to some of your previously favorite now cancelled programs such as Love Life, Minx, and the first season of Westworld. And like all of our cancelled programs, Earth will be wiped off of all platforms, anything where its existence could be recorded or remembered.

Financial Terms, According To My Teenager

Gross Margin: Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book. Margin Call: The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin. And more!

The Secrets Behind Your Favorite Movie SFX

The cats in “Cats”: Without a doubt, the greatest ordeal of my whole career. They always say to never work with children, animals or Dame Judi Dench, and I wish to God I had listened. We could have simply used special effects to depict the titular felines, but Dame Judi had other ideas. Striving for authenticity, she ate only tuna throughout the shoot, pooped in a box and licked herself clean each morning.


No Country for Mold Men, Girls Just Want to Have Fungus, Bacteria to the Future, and more #MoldyMovies on this week's trending joke game!

NEW Game of Thrones! Except Instead of the 7 Kingdoms, It’s the 16 Myers-Brigg’s Types

Using the proven science of personality, a “kingdom reorganization plan” reallocates our favorite players into highly productive, autonomous units. Alliances are based on each character’s Jungian temperament, not on antiquated notions of bloodline or geography. A literal game-changer! 

I'm Yukon Cornelius, Aerosmith's Original Front Man

Being a Gemini, I’ve always been torn between being the center of attention and isolating myself in the stark abandoned wilderness. Truth be told, though I’ve found myself center stage in front of large crowds, my heart has always longed for silence and solitude. 

FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue

The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!

TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch

The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it's topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch.  Below is the transcript of that talk.

More Terrifying German Monsters Who are Not Krampus for the Other Holidays

The Krampus, the goat-like German Christmas demon, is responsible for spreading a festive mix of anxious joy and existential terror every year on December 6th when he comes to punish the naughty children. But once the Christmas season is past, who takes over the hallowed task of striking warmth and dread into the hearts of people, throughout the year? 

NEWS BRIEFS: Dad Accidentally Streaks Slumber Party

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Wine List For The Apocalypse, Courtesy Of Your Olive Garden Sommelier

Let’s start with our splendid assortment of reds. First, we have our Merlot: soft and medium-bodied, with dark fruit flavors and the smoky undertones of a scorched planet littered with human carrion. You may also detect subtle hints of tree bark and shoe leather, which pairs nicely with chicken, veal, and any meat desperately gnawed from the desiccated corpses of household pets.


Jennifer Love Dew-it, Jean Claude Van Damp, Judith Drenched, and more #SteamyCelebs on this week's trending joke game!

We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company

Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.

So You Want to Date a Teddy Bear: Ranking Teddy Bears by their Sensibility, Dependability, and F#ckability

Pooh is a thiccc ass bear with plenty of cushion for the pushin’. Though a giving partner, he’s not without his kinks, such as a preference to use honey as a substitute for over-the-counter lubrication. 

What I Assume the Ancient Romans Did for Exercise

In general, fighting to the death was a great way to stay in shape. Not dying was so good for your mental and emotional health. Almost dying was very bad. You walk a thin line with death-fighting. But that’s why recovery was invented! Stretching, amputation, et cetera.

Black Magic Friday's Best Deals, Steals & Spells!!!

Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. And more!

9 Classic Cocktails for Dreaded Family Gatherings

Old Fashioned Passive Aggressive Barb: Served by your mother-in-law, this multi-layered concoction includes everything from your parenting choices to the fact you use avocado based mayonnaise and returned a shower gift nine years ago. Top with a maraschino cherry, unless that’s “not organic” enough for you.


Pornbread, Sweat Potatoes, Pee-can Pie, and more #HorribleHolidaySides on this week's trending joke game!

"Don't Smile Until Thanksgiving" and Other Tips for New Teachers

To earn your kindergarten students’ respect, start the year off strict and smile-free. Your students might test your anti-smiling resolve prior to Thanksgiving by saying cute things like, “You’re my best fwend” or “I wuv you.” Do not break. If students catch you smiling before Thanksgiving, they will probably assume you are a professional clown.

Get Ready for the Biggest International Party Where None of Your Favorite Ways to Celebrate Are Legal

Hello football lovers and partygoers from all over the world! We're so excited to welcome you to Qatar for the 2022 FIFA World Cup, the biggest party on the planet. Who’s ready to cheer their hearts out?! Woooo! But not so loud please. Public displays of fun will definitely land you in a jail cell, as will the many other ways you typically like to party.

The Final Diary Entries From the Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon

Just as I begin to feel at peace with my impending death, I think about the turkey that the president is pardoning tomorrow. It isn’t fair. I don’t even know who it is yet, but it isn’t fair. If it’s Marvin and his ball sack-looking ass neck I’m gonna scream.

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

New Proposed National Holidays

National Amelia Earhart Day: A day where we can all just disappear and not have to do anything, a great tribute! Everyone could use a break.


The Sore Identity, Robotusssin Cop, The Last Traction Hero, and more #AchyActionMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Things Not To Ask Your Doctor About

P.E. ( Pasta Elbow) P.A.B ( Passive Aggressive Breathing while sleeping) and more things to not ask your doctor about.'s Exchanges & Returns

Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following: Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, "Do I want this?" I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, "Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?"

Fight Or Flight Or Flex

You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.

Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get Away From Cancelled Street? Sesame Street Characters Apology Tour

Pyramid schemes, missing underpants, Fraggle centipedes, and a big nest on Epstein's island, put these well loved Muppets in hot water.

As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

I’m the Cologuard Box, and I Can Diagnose your Personality Disorder

Who takes a cute little box with a face and limbs and rips him open to insert poop? I’ll tell you who–people with problems. Which is why I’m now equipped to tell you what’s wrong with your personality. And believe me, there is something wrong with you. You’re pooping in a box.


Dairydevil, Moo Knight, Aquamanure, and more #CowAComicBook on this week's trending joke game!

How To Tell People You Voted Other Than An “I Voted” Sticker

Have sex. When you get to climax two minutes in, moan “I Voted!” Go to Starbucks and order your usual Pumpkin Spice Latte. When the barista asks for your name, say it’s “I Voted.” Post the photo of your cup, which says “Ivory Ted.” Get a real tattoo in your tramp stamp area that says “I Voted” And more!

I’m Bombarding You With Texts Before Election Day So You’ll Definitely Vote for Me

9:32 AM — Hi! I’m your state’s Republican candidate for Governor. I got your number from some voter registry list. Can I count on your support this Election Day? I’m texting you because I don’t trust the polls and figure if I slide into your phone without consent, you’ll definitely vote for me. 9:33 AM —If you want to opt out of these messages reply “STOP” and I’ll continue sending them to you.

Looming Threat of a Recession? Here's 8 Surefire Money Saving Tips!

Make Showering Dates: What better way to get to know that causal Facebook acquaintance or neighbor than to ask to use their shower? One look into their bathroom cabinet and you’ll find everything you need to know about them (even painfully intimate details). And, not only will you save on your water bill by racking up theirs, you’ll increasing your lifespan! Studies show people with more social connections live longer!

I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old. 

Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.

Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes

Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I'm sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?


Death Scab For Cutie, R.E. Phlegm, Gangrene Day, and more #RevoltingRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

Introducing The Royal Court of Anxiety

Oh dear. I am the queen mother of my daughter hasn’t texted back today and I think it’s probably botulism. And more!

The Tell-Tale Joint

I was awoken from my slumbers by a knock at the door! I leapt out of bed in shock! A knock at the door at this hour? But - I looked at the floorboards, surveyed my room, sniffed the air. What had I to fear? I had carried it all off so perfectly. With a renewed confidence, I opened the door. My parents stood in the threshold. 


Frankenstein's Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!

Spoiled: A Visual Diary of Compromised Groceries

I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth! Is it spoiled?

Don’t Say You Worship Satan If It’s Only on Halloween

Also, what are you wearing? Which part of “black robe” was too complicated? Did you really walk into our lightless abode of the damned dressed as Hellboy? And don’t even get me started with the slutty witch costumes. Why tempt our dread master Lucifer’s wrath by baring your cleavage at him? I think he’s made it abundantly clear he’s an ass man.


Creature From The Bank Lagoon, Michael Buyers, Accountant Dracula, and more #MoneyAMonster on this week's trending joke game!

'So Your Fiancée Woke Up with a Pumpkin Head, Now What?'

Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house - meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it - she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever.

Spooky High is Closing

For more than 200 years, Spooky High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation, six generations of Blobs, all seven Mummy siblings, and a real zombie who was in the “Thriller” video.

Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms

Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.

Vegetable-Inspired Halloween Candy No One Wants 

Jolly Radishes, Sour Patch Kales, York Bell Peppermint Patties, M&Ms (Mushrooms & Mushrooms) and more!

I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween

I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager. I’m sorry they showed up.


Kill Kat, Milky Slay, Scar burst, and more #KillerCandies on this week's trending joke game!

Horror Movie Villains Explain Why They’re Quiet Quitting

Pennywise: I really want to reclaim some time for myself. Maybe go back to clown college. Being a shape-shifting manifestation of children’s nightmares can be so draining. I’m tired of watching my victims float around all day while I do all the work. I've finally realized it's MY turn to float down a lazy river sipping a mocktail while clocking in some well-deserved PTO (Pennywise Time Off).

We Aren’t Coddling Our Gen Z Students, but They Think Your Class Is Too Hard, so You’re Fired

The University takes the success of our students very seriously. Especially the success of students who grew up getting trophies for losing. Now, we’ve gotten word that many students are distressed over the difficulty of your Organic Chemistry course. So do you mind handing in your Faculty ID? We simply can’t have you failing students who don’t deserve to pass.

Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials

If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn't Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer's vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!

REVIEW: Halloween Ends

I take no pleasure in dogging Halloween Ends. I’m literally its target audience. Regardless of quality, there are very few slasher films I don’t enjoy, including the worst of the Halloween sequels! Unfortunately, this movie spent too much time in a room with its own farts and forgot it was even supposed to be a slasher movie.

I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode

I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.

Welcome to Mom’s Night at the Swanky Swill

It’s our annual Mom’s Night Out here at the Swanky Swill, and have we got a treat for all you fecund females. Surprise! Our mixologist, Klock, has been eavesdropping on your Mommy and Me therapy sessions —I mean classes— for weeks in order to get some real life inspiration for tonight’s libations menu. (Did you really believe that the mustachioed guy at the back of the community center in the jumpsuit and vintage ascot was the janitor? Ha!


Casketball, Fear Pong, Spooks and Ladders, and more #GhoulishGames on this week's trending joke game!

I Will No Longer Unsubscribe

Just for fun, I post my social security number on Reddit. I change all my passwords to “whatever,” and my security questions to Highlights Magazine word-searches. I change my political affiliation to “undecided, seeking suggestions.” I start trials on every streaming service, even fake ones like Paramount+. Like an unsupervised child, I allow any and all cookies. I haven’t cleared my cache in weeks and yet, mentally, I’ve never been clearer. Instead of URL I see “You are loved.”

How Not to Come to Terms with Your Unread Books in Twenty-Five Steps

1) Most were purchased at your local independent bookstore. Take pride that you’ve supported a small business during a pandemic. Remind self that store is currently doing fine, and no more books are needed for now. 2) See books you bought Tuesday and Wednesday. Realize you should have written out step one on Monday...

Lesser-Known Quitting Styles

Tom Brady Quitting: You announce your retirement, spend 40 days at home with three kids, and then announce your comeback. 

How to Hold Your Therapist’s Attention

Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.


The Humid Centipede, Sauna of the Dead, Sweat Sematary, and more #HumidHorrorMovies on this week's trending joke game!

The Republican Emperors Hereby Present You With An Opportunity To Become Esteemed Gladiators 

We’re not kidnapping you, and we’re not forcing you to fight against your will. You aren’t pawns in some elaborate game... You are prized gladiator fighters– royalty even! As proof, here’s a gift card to McDonald's, and some armor we’ve crafted out of recycled Diet Coke cans.