Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. And more!

I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn’t drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. “Mind if I give it a shot?” It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, “It’s going to be okay, sweet one.”

Dear Family and Frenemies, We hope that you, like us, have had a wonderfully miserable holiday season. This year we have counted myriad blessings, unique new forms of torture, and many fulfilling career developments in the descendants of my bloodline.

Look at yourself in the mirror. There’s pubic hair everywhere, there’s black mold in the grout, and the water’s rising because of a clog. You deserve a better kind of body bathing during the month of April. You need…a bath.

Pro: Will have a reason to start a gang and call ourselves “The Lost Girls.” Con: Will have to keep explaining the connection to the 1987 film “The Lost Boys” featuring Kiefer Sutherland.

Once ol’ General Jackson is no longer standing in the park, where will I point to when I want to recount to people the greatest night of my life? How will I explain to my son where his old man received his first ever sloppy toppy?

In adulthood, the monkey bars become a rare and mythical concept. Like a unicorn, or a pickleback shot you don’t immediately regret. But if you’re like me, you’re either looking to recapture a shred of your childlike innocence, or you’re seeking revenge against Amelia, who beat you in the monkey bars contest in 3rd grade. Here are a few things you should consider.

As I handle mementos around my house, they bring up recollections from many years ago. The movie-ticket stub that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The program from a play that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The public garbage can that I carried home in case anything else interesting was in there. Now I use it to store my mementos.

What is with the bike bell being a faint trill? Why don’t bikes have louder horns? Bicycles are already small enough! How is a bus going to hear me if I’m coming? Who decided to give bigger vehicles bigger horns? Shouldn’t smaller vehicles have the louder horns? If people can’t see us coming, at least they can hear us. Who makes these decisions? How do I find them? It’s like nobody really cares about us cyclists.

Embrace a mismatched bridal party: Speaking of crafts, get creative and your bridesmaids won’t have to don the same stuffy overpriced ensemble. Let them wear whatever they want. Better yet, let them decorate a potato sack however they want. They’ll thank you for a look they can actually rewear. The versatility of a potato sack is unmatched.

There's Guinness everywhere / What's this? / There's corned beef in the air. / What's this? / I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming / Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair / What's this?

Dave the Unicorn:   Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes?   Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot:   Well hang on for a second.   Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times?   What the hell is that?    When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.

You, don’t tilt back in that chair. I can see you haven’t been trained to execute that maneuver without injury—and right on cue, we’ve got a man down. Kid, you dropped faster than your reading scores on the last state test. But it’s just blood, so stop howling. You don’t need stitches. There’s some Superglue right here. 

As a unified coalition of unborn women who possess all the rights of legal personhood, we stand together to advocate for the reproductive freedom of our already-born sisters, whose legal rights are not as protected as our own.

Prison Wall-E, Slash Gordon, The Day the Earth Stood-offish, and more #PsychoSciFiMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Tom is a spirit with bat wings and a tail, condemned to a cell that just so happens to be 12-stories directly below this Park Slope apartment’s coat closet. Tom is eternally on fire. He is also the love of my life.

The Flintstoned, Sesame Tweak, Barney the Purple Haze Dinosaur, and more!

Beer Yoga: Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can’t find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brown bag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t be chill with that.

Jordan: Did you hear Chris say you can compost human waste if you do it right?—I’ve known the guy my whole life and have never seen him take an interest in shit. Me: Well, it’s a sad truth that “only 24% of people in major cities know all or most of their neighbors,” Pew Research. And don’t you and Chris have to take two trains to see each other? Means you’re essentially strangers.

I’m desperate to brand myself as the ‘fun’ coworker. Is it working?!?!

Crowd Surf: This may not strike you as the best idea when you’re playing at the community teen center in front of a sparse audience of 8th graders with the upper body physiques of Beavis and Butt-Head. Don’t worry. Go ahead and jump, and immediately join the ranks of Bruce Springsteen and Iggy Pop.

Jesus, Take My Taxes: If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I’d also like him to take my taxes. He doesn’t even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don’t have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

How did it happen, America? The 2024 presidential election is getting closer and closer, and somehow, the presumptive nominees are the same two melted goblins who ran against each other in 2020. WE HAD FOUR YEARS TO FIND BETTER PEOPLE! AND WE STILL DIDN'T DO IT!

Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice) Half of Derbyshire, England- $150,000,000: This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow “handsome”. With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is responsible for evicting the property’s resident squatter (a Mr. Wickham).

So yeah, we are all doing really well.  What is less indicative of trauma than collectively regressing to an almost childlike state to desperately seek solace in that which comforted us in our youth? As for me personally, I'll be even better as soon as Bert and Ernie answer the 117 posts I’ve made since yesterday begging them to adopt me as an adult...

You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep.

PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. He was so rude when he walked into his mansion the night I broke in and passed out on the living room couch. Hey, I was drunk, you know? You’d think the guy could relate. He told me to get the hell out of his house before he called the police. Didn’t even add a “please.” The nerve of that guy.

Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. And more!

69 Minutes, 30 Rock Hard, Everybody does Raymond, and more #TitillateATVShow on this week's trending joke game!

We’re opening with our hit about getting stoned and shredding a halfpipe. Even though he hasn’t been able to skateboard since his knee replacement, Brett is actually a little stoned right now from his THC-infused arthritis cream.

Our superintendent is more than pleased with our decision, stating that our school’s new name will make it perfectly clear that any discrimination in the halls of Robert E. Lee Was Bad is bad. We hope that the community also recognizes that absolutely no hate or prejudice at Robert E. Lee Was Bad is good. It’s bad.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.... please explain Better Call Saul. ... will you drive me to the mall? .... please make that cappuccino tall. And more!

Telemachus, Prednisone, Locaid and more!

Our yearly countdown of the years best numbers. You won't believe number 1!

Oh no! It seems Melania Trump was absent from the festivities at Mar-A-Lago and the Trump family photo this weekend. This is fueling tons of speculation about her whereabouts and why she wasn't at the party with her fam. Or was she? Can you find Melania in this holiday scene?

Microphone Stand: His Karaoke rendition of “Under Pressure” was showstopping . . . when he twirled the mic stand and it slammed against the head of a drunk girl. The impact set off her latent psychic ability. The Oracle of Delphi was born.

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Driverless Car” “I’m Dreaming of a Christmas Below 60 Degrees” “It’s the Most Communicable Time of the Year” And more!

Audition for next season’s “Golden Bachelor” and more!

Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison.  911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.

WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

Hellf, Whack Frost, Blight Christmas, and more #HarmfulHolidayMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Tired of seeing all those normal frozen hikers? See what Everest doesn't want you to see! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

T-shirt design can not claim that the Turkey Trot 5K is an Olympic qualifying race. T-shirts can not have designs predicting the winner, odds of a runner winning, and what local bar is holding bets on which runner will win.  And more!

Travis Turkey: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful... but it's really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn't see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I've been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th...