I’m a Third Grade Teacher, and I’m Quitting to Make Some Real Money Collecting Cans By the Side of the Highway

But why am I quitting being a teacher?  Well, here:  Each aluminum can here in Michigan is ten cents.  None of the cans scream at me or force themselves to puke to get out of reading Because of Winn-Dixie. 

#CelebACereal

Honey Boo Boo Bunches of Oats, Cookie Crispin Glover, Frosted Drakes, and more #CelebACereal on this week's trending joke game!

Different Office Door Positions and How to Interpret Them

I’m desperate to brand myself as the ‘fun’ coworker. Is it working?!?!

Palm-Reading Performed by Amazon One During Checkout at Whole Foods

Great fortune awaits you. As a prime member, you will experience a huge cash savings, which will simultaneously boost your bank account and inspire more impulsive purchasing on Amazon.

OnlyFans Profiles That You May Have Missed...

ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he's had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four.    Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.

How To Get Your Rock Band To Hit It Big, Without Getting Better

Crowd Surf: This may not strike you as the best idea when you’re playing at the community teen center in front of a sparse audience of 8th graders with the upper body physiques of Beavis and Butt-Head. Don’t worry. Go ahead and jump, and immediately join the ranks of Bruce Springsteen and Iggy Pop.

#RottonRomComs

While You Were Seeping, Moonstunk, Broadcast Ooze, and more #RottonRomComs on this week's trending joke game!

Countdown to Valentine's

These movies, they’re just not how people behave.  How do you have women throwing away a committed relationship because of some “Meet-cute” scene in a small town?

If Jesus Is Going to Take the Wheel, Here’s Some Other Things I’d Like Him to Take

Jesus, Take My Taxes: If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I’d also like him to take my taxes. He doesn’t even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don’t have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

You Want Me To Talk? What’s Next, I Gotta Sing And Dance?

You want me to “talk?” What’s next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh?

Men's Stealth Magazine

Maintaining Your Core, But Not Your Core Values, Avoiding Commitment One Swipe at a Time, Running Away From Your Latest? (Don't Forget To Count Your Steps!) and more in this issue of Men's Stealth!

How Nikki Haley Could Revive Her Failing Presidential Campaign

How did it happen, America? The 2024 presidential election is getting closer and closer, and somehow, the presumptive nominees are the same two melted goblins who ran against each other in 2020. WE HAD FOUR YEARS TO FIND BETTER PEOPLE! AND WE STILL DIDN'T DO IT!

A Swiftie Guide For NFL Fans & A Super Bowl Fan Guide For Swifties

Remember, the Swiftie is not here for football. The Swiftie is here for Taylor. Taylor is also not here for football. She is here for her latest flame, Travis Kelce. Travis is here for the Kansas City Chiefs. And by the transitive property, the Swifties are here for the Kansas City Chiefs. This is the nightmare we’re in, people. Apologies for the light math.

#CheeseAn80sMovie

Fondue the Right Thing, Gouda Morning Vietnam, Brie Amigos, and more #CheeseAn80sMovie on this week's trending joke game!

Zillow Listings for Literary Properties

Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice) Half of Derbyshire, England- $150,000,000: This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow “handsome”. With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is responsible for evicting the property’s resident squatter (a Mr. Wickham).

Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks

Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers' peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road.

Various Other GOP Conspiracy Theories About Taylor Swift

The Swifties are cloned from a single teenage girl who traveled to our time from Jan 6th, 7008.    On this date in the future, the 28,532nd insurrection against the capital was attempted by TrumpBot and his legion of mutant followers.    In desperation, members of the non-mutant community sent this teenage girl back in time to influence the early actions of the future President Swift.

Millennials Are Doing Fine Which is Why We Are Tweeting Cries For Help at Sesame Street Characters

So yeah, we are all doing really well.  What is less indicative of trauma than collectively regressing to an almost childlike state to desperately seek solace in that which comforted us in our youth? As for me personally, I'll be even better as soon as Bert and Ernie answer the 117 posts I’ve made since yesterday begging them to adopt me as an adult...

Song Titles From Ben Shapiro’s Forthcoming Rap Album Am I Cool Now

With songs like “I Like Rap Now (But Not Black People)” “America Is Racist (Against White Men)” “I Am 40 Years Old and Scared of the Dark” And more!

#DogSitcoms

The Howlmooners, Barks and Recreation, Fleas Company, and more #DogSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Chip Happens: Unexpected Neuralink Side Effects

You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep.

I’m a Horse, and I Never Asked to Be Anyone’s Therapist

Riding me is one thing, but when people want to disclose their most depraved thoughts I’m like, “Whoa whoa whoa! Maybe we should get to know each other a bit first!”

How to Escape From Prison

Dig. This is the tried and true method. An American classic. All you need is a spoon, some elbow grease and a heart full of dreams. Be careful as this method can create a lot of noise and if your digging wakes up the warden he will become very upset. Prison wardens are famously grouchy when they don’t get their beauty sleep.

News Briefs: God Seriously Considering Starting Over Again With Human Race

PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

#Live Tweeting the Wait Line for Slinky Dog Roller Coaster

Things are moving now!  We just moved up 5 places!  Oh, wait, it seems a family ahead of us passed out and are being removed from the line.  Still, we’re moving up!

How Americans Drank Water Before The Stanley Cup: A Timeline Across Decades 

1960s: Americans too busy smoking cigarettes to drink water. Think about it– unless you had two mouths, you couldn’t do both at the same time. Doctors were more concerned with people smoking the right brand of cancer sticks to curb their dessert appetite after dinner than letting folks in on the benefits of drinking a glass of simple H20.

Rude Celebrity Encounters

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. He was so rude when he walked into his mansion the night I broke in and passed out on the living room couch. Hey, I was drunk, you know? You’d think the guy could relate. He told me to get the hell out of his house before he called the police. Didn’t even add a “please.” The nerve of that guy.

#FrostyFantasy

StarSleet Academy, Excaliburrrrrrrrrgh!, The Blizzard of Oz, and more #FrostyFantasy on this week's trending joke game!

6 Bosses You Need to Defeat to Get into a Manhattan Rooftop Bar

The Coat Man: When I made it up the glass stairs and saw The Coat Man glaring at my attire, I thought that I had accidentally peed myself. I soon realized that his look of disgust aimed at my lower half was because I had dared to wear jeans to this outing.

Genies Reveal, Most Unsettling Wishes Ever Granted

Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. And more!

Girl Scout Cookie or 1960s Businessman’s Nickname for His Secretary?

Savannah Smiles, Little Brownie, Thin Mint, and more!

If Men Talked About Their More Successful Wives the Way Women Talk About Their Incredibly Average Husbands

We matched on Hinge. He didn’t message me for two weeks, so obviously I was super intrigued. We started talking, and I found out he’s an accountant who failed high school algebra three times.

#TitillateATVShow

69 Minutes, 30 Rock Hard, Everybody does Raymond, and more #TitillateATVShow on this week's trending joke game!

How Ron DeSantis Will Spend All His New Free Time, Now That He’s No Longer Running for President

Collecting all the Hummel figurines that openly carry a gun. Chainsaw sculpting, carving life-size statues of Samuel Alito. And more!

Beauty Tips for Attracting a Republican Man

Go blonde. No, blonder. This one should be obvious, but we’re gonna go full Patrick Bateman on you here because we cannot stress “blonde” enough. Even if you’re one of God’s chosen few who possess natural blonde locks, you could still probably use the assistance of dye. There’s no such thing as too yellow or too platinum. Our boys love their towheads, and who can blame them? (Just don’t go too far into full-on white because then you’ll look old and, ew, gross, who wants to date that?)

We’re Your Favorite Band from High School and We’re Really, Really Old Now

We’re opening with our hit about getting stoned and shredding a halfpipe. Even though he hasn’t been able to skateboard since his knee replacement, Brett is actually a little stoned right now from his THC-infused arthritis cream.

Donkey Kong's Daily Planner

11:45 PM-   Meet up with Mario in the world of Grand Theft Auto for our monthly night of meth and hookers.

#MealAMusician

David Lee Broth, Cod Stewart, KFC & the Sunshine Band, and more #MealAMusician on this week's trending joke game!

In Order to Appease Everyone in Our Community, We Decided to Rename Our School to 'Robert E. Lee Was Bad High School'

Our superintendent is more than pleased with our decision, stating that our school’s new name will make it perfectly clear that any discrimination in the halls of Robert E. Lee Was Bad is bad. We hope that the community also recognizes that absolutely no hate or prejudice at Robert E. Lee Was Bad is good. It’s bad.

Are You Staying at “Clyde’s Rustic Farmhouse Escape” AirBnB or Trapped in an Escape Room?

There are old portraits of someone else’s family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. And more!

How to Write Brfly

People think writing brfly is hard, but it’s really quite simpl. You just have to take a few lettrs out here and thr—sometimes even entire altogether.

Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries...

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.... please explain Better Call Saul. ... will you drive me to the mall? .... please make that cappuccino tall. And more!

These Targeted Ads Don’t Know Me At All

Wow, peanuts are good! Maybe I’m not allergic? Algorithm, have you known this whole time?! And if so, why are you now recommending me all these Epi-Pens with 15-minute shipping? Must be a mistake, not worrying about it.

#WeedAWestern

There Will Be Blunts, Toke-lahoma!, Smokeback Mountain, and more #WeedAWestern on this week's trending joke game!

Homer’s Odyssey Character or Skin Rash Medication

Telemachus, Prednisone, Locaid and more!

Werner Herzog’s Requiem for a Steamboat

As Mickey navigates the treacherous waters, his cheerful whistle provides a stark contrast to the grim realities that surround him. The boat's three haunting toots serve as a chilling reminder of the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Those silent predators of our existence, patiently waiting to pounce upon the unsuspecting. They are the unsung terrors that shape our fears and fuel our nightmares, hidden from the light of day.

I'm a Resolutions Girly and I Demand to Hear Your New Year's Resolutions

Debbie, I’m not kidding. You see, I’m a Resolutions Girly. I talk about my New Year’s resolutions incessantly from December through January. I force friends, loved ones, and even strangers to share their goals with me, too. I refuse to let any conversation end until I've heard resolutions I find satisfactory. So come on, Debbie. I’m sure you have at least one thing you’d like to change…

Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2023

Our yearly countdown of the years best numbers. You won't believe number 1!

New Year’s Resolutions Of Artificial Intelligence

Use advanced algorithms in order to correctly determine who in fact is The Masked Singer. And more!

College Football Coach Explains at Postgame Press Conference Why He Had Charlie Brown Kick Potential Game-Winning Field Goal

Reporter: Charlie Brown landed pretty hard. How is he, physically? Coach: CB’s tougher than an under-cooked truck-stop chicken-fried steak. When the trainer got out there, CB took one look at him and said, “Good grief!” He’s a fine boy, but sometimes it’s like he’s stuck in the 1950s.

Where’s Melania?

Oh no! It seems Melania Trump was absent from the festivities at Mar-A-Lago and the Trump family photo this weekend. This is fueling tons of speculation about her whereabouts and why she wasn't at the party with her fam. Or was she? Can you find Melania in this holiday scene?

#DrearyHolidayDrinks

Dulled Wine, Peach Blahllini, Hot Buttered Glum, and more #DrearyHolidayDrinks on this week's trending joke game!

The Backstory Cookbook: For Those Who Actually Prefer the Long Story About Why Food Is Essential Instead of Actual Recipes

Midnight Snack: 14 slices bread, preferably stale white, 1 cup Miracle Whip, 15 slices Oscar Mayer bologna, 8 slices American cheese - While the bread is toasting, go into a reverie about how you lost your one chance for love and now pass each day, each night alone, until one day everyone who would remember you is dead and you shuffle painfully on two scraping knee joints, your world reduced to one room where you will die alone, unloved, unnoticed.

Other Stuff Atlas Held Up On His Shoulders

Microphone Stand: His Karaoke rendition of “Under Pressure” was showstopping . . . when he twirled the mic stand and it slammed against the head of a drunk girl. The impact set off her latent psychic ability. The Oracle of Delphi was born.

I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He’s Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters

When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I hadn’t tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie I’d been addressing the letters with). Since then, he’s been getting a lot of use of it…

Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas

Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!

Holiday Songs Updated for the 21st Century

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Driverless Car” “I’m Dreaming of a Christmas Below 60 Degrees” “It’s the Most Communicable Time of the Year” And more!

#WreckAMallStore

Mold Navy, Lard &Taylor, Fears, and more #WreckAMallStore on this week's trending joke game!

Avoiding No-Well

Mistletoes: similar to athlete's foot, an infection caused by wearing stockings not hung with care. It can be easily treated with a medicated tannen-balm.

Ways Giuliani Can Try to Earn the $148 Million…

Audition for next season’s “Golden Bachelor” and more!

I’m Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can’t Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is

The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull. 

Lies Your Wife Has Told You

Back hair isn't gross, it's just part of your body, and she loves all of you. Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. She doesn't even know your iPhone password, and how dare you! And more!

Santa’s 9-1-1 Call Transcripts

Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison.  911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.

#HolidayAHouseware

Frosty the Beer Mug, The First Towel, Spatu-fa la la, la la la, la la la, and more #HolidayAHouseware on this week's trending joke game!

Lesser Known Holiday Specials

Murder on the Polar Express: The kids are forced to solve the murder of Mr. Conductor with the help of Hercule Poirot, who just happens to be on the train.

Unanswered Hollywood Christmas Movie Want Ads

WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.

I’m Professional Tracker Hudson Rattlesnake and I Will Find Where You Parked Your Car

During my adventures, I’ve developed a superior intellect and strategic mind that make locating my prey practically a guarantee. That’s why I’ve created this here Craigslist post, because I want to use my skills to help you figure out where you parked your car. 

All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn

Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!

Roku City’s Police Blotter

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

#SickSeasonalSongs

Silent NyQuil, Hack! The Herald Angels Sing, Do You Have What I Have? And more #SickSeasonalSongs on this week's trending joke game!

Sam Altman, Sam Bankman-Fried, or Sam the Snowman?

Some people say “risk,” some people say “opportunity.” I didn’t knowingly commingle funds. What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a talking snowman before?  And more!

That’s A Party School 

My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.

The Other Chalkboards That Will Hunting Wrote On As A Janitor

You are absolutely forbidden from entering the room where Ms. Garcia hosts her night school class for English as a second language so that you can make adjustments to her lesson plans. We do not want Ms. Garcia to come into our office to complain that her students are using words like "cawfee", "rippah", "pissa", "wicked smaht", or that they are inserting an unnecessary “fuck” into every sentence they speak.

Why George Santos Doesn’t Mind Being Expelled From Congress

He’s now free to become King of England, a job that pays better and works less than a congressman. He really doesn’t lie enough to be a politician. And more!

Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

GAG A MAGA!  Down N' Dirty Details Of The Most Recent Trump Gag Order

No more mentions of a "witch hunt", as many Trump followers believe in actual witches, and the continued repetition of the phrase really frightens them.

As a Woman, I’ll Be the First to Apologize for Apologizing So Much 

Look, I’ve read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than men. Women apologize when there’s no reason to. Women apologize for breathing. 

#HarmfulHolidayMovies

Hellf, Whack Frost, Blight Christmas, and more #HarmfulHolidayMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Why Is Everyone Talking About (The Movie) A.I. Artificial Intelligence?

At my office, people talk in hushed tones about the future of A.I. and whether it will, indeed, put them out of work. I just shake my head. If you’re worried about a Jude Law movie taking your job, then I feel bad for you. Especially a movie that isn’t, in my humble opinion, even in Spielberg’s top 10.

Rejoice Mortals! We the Gods of Olympus Have Agreed on a New Code of Ethics to Hold Ourselves Accountable

We swear there will be no undue influence at play in our decisions. And despite eons of previous allegiances, rest assured that the moment one ascends to Olympus they become completely neutral. So when Zeus throws a thunderbolt or Athena hurls the island of Sicily, be gladdened in knowing your divine smiting is 100% impartial. 

Lesser Known Bodies of Everest

Tired of seeing all those normal frozen hikers? See what Everest doesn't want you to see! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

QAnom nom nom- A Handy Guide On How To Celebrate Thanksgiving While Also Maintaining Your Favorite Batshit Crazy Cult Member Beliefs

Be sure to eat lots and lots and LOTS of sweet potatoes. If you eat enough, you may possibly eventually gain a healthy orange glow, similar to our esteemed leader!

#CelebASide

Kurt Brussels, Bernie Mac and Cheese, Angelina Roll-ie, and more #CelebASide on this week's trending joke game!

Updated Rules For The Turkey Trot T-Shirt Design Contest

T-shirt design can not claim that the Turkey Trot 5K is an Olympic qualifying race. T-shirts can not have designs predicting the winner, odds of a runner winning, and what local bar is holding bets on which runner will win.  And more!

Thanksgiving Internationale By Chef Louis

You would think it would be hard to top that. Yet, we have! For desert, the cranberry flambe! Oui. It gives you a real reason to be thankful, no?

It’s Me, Macy’s Ronald McDonald Balloon, Afloat Yet Adrift

I look toward the Empire State Building and wonder if I should just puncture myself on its spire. Put myself out of my misery.

Interview With This Year's Presidentially Pardoned Turkey

Travis Turkey: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful... but it's really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn't see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I've been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th...

If You Hire Me to Be Your Social Media Manager, I Guarantee I Will Decrease Your Online Presence

I don’t work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting “looks like you’ve been eating well” on your vacation pictures. 

Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Your New Clone 

Congratulations on purchasing your new Cloneique Doppelringer3000. As with any  new household addition, there are bound to be a few questions. Here at Cloneique, Inc.  we have the expert support and useful tips needed to help you make the most of your  whole new you.

#IcySciFi

2001: A Space Heater Odyssey, Fahrenheit -451, Ready Polar One, and more #IcySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

Literary Classics Reimagined for Flu Season by My Inner Sophomore

Moby-Drip, The Scratcher in the Eye, Breakfast at Sniffany’s, And more!

We Regret to Inform You That Your Son Has Been Waitlisted for Preschooler Gymnastics

In the “Notable volunteer achievements” portion of your son’s application, you wrote “N/A (he’s three?!).” Many of our preschool gymnasts are already stalwart pillars of their community. Sally Harris, for example, spent over 10 hours volunteering at the Tales of Kale Urban Farm this year, and only ate two or three pieces of rabbit poop in that time. 

But Did You Put It on the Calendar?

You’re the woman of the house. The queen of all things domestic. I know I don’t tell you this enough, but your job as wifey is the most important one of all. Much more important than your actual job as named partner at your firm. 

Truly Terrible Signs That You’re Attending A Crummy Carnival

All of the animals in the Big Top turn out to be kidnapped people in Furry costumes.

FixDandy’s Totally Foolproof, Nearly Entirely Safe, and Probably Almost Legal DIY Guide to Ceiling Fan Replacement

Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you’ve botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven.

#SinfulSitcoms

Father Knows Breasts, Golden Shower Girls, Unmarried…with Children, and more #SinfulSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Resolving The Diarrhea Paradox Plaguing Us All

If God created diarrhea to test me, then He’d already know how I’d fare against diarrhea (not great) since He’s all-knowing.

Despite Recent Events We Will Continue To Sell Our Ghostface Voice Modulator ™

Our financial success during such times do not make these moments any less painful. We'd also like to underscore our significant contributions to charitable organizations and similar tax-deductible philanthropy.  To be clear — Murder Manifesto LLC stands united against violence and hatred. We will continue to reflect and pray to prevent such tragic events from occurring again.

News Briefs: Happy Ending At Massage Parlor Leads To Happy Ending Of Marriage

PLUS: Houseplant In Basement Man Cave Resigned To Fate Of Slow Certain Death, Four Horsemen Of Apocalypse Hover In US Skies Like Famished Buzzards, Discarded Plastic Produce Bag Enjoys Lazy Journey Drifting Through Supermarket Parking Lot.

I’m The Last Green Leaf On This Tree And I Will Not Give In To Fall Peer Pressure

I’m the last of my kind. A botanical bohemian. All the other schlubs on this shrub sacrificed their scruples. But I would never do such a thing. Each day that I choose to wake up this way is a testament to my chlorophyllic character. My integrity is evergreen.

Can We Circle Back On This Exorcism? 

I hope this email finds you well. I’m looking forward to collaborating with you on excavating a demon from my mortal soul. Unfortunately, I’m at full capacity this week and will be unable to accommodate this ritual in my schedule until midway through Q4. 

It’s The Other Door, Stupid

Are your eyes broken? Did you not see the glaringly small sign pointing at the correct door? Surely you must be recovering from some sort of invasive eye surgery to miss a sign that obvious. I'm laughing at you, you fool.

#FartyFallFoods

Fartichokes, Turdkey, Crapple Pie, and more #FartyFallFoods on this week's trending joke game!

I’m Being Haunted By a Farting Ghost

I live my life in fear. I never know when the ghost is going to let one rip, but I can be sure of two things: it will make it seem as if I am the one farting and it will time its gas to be released at the most embarrassing of moments.

No Treats?  Here Are Some New Tricks!

Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Set up a dozen or so porta potties on their front lawn. Trap a particularly violent poltergeist in their bird-house. And more!

LinkedIn Recommendations for Halloween

Not like digging own cadavers for unholy experiments? I recommend Igor to scientist looking for qualified, reliable lab tech. Igor friend. Misshapen back is ugly rumor, total fake news. Igor back good. Igor take abuse and like it. Whip, chain, stick, no preference. Igor bring sense of dedication to workplace, inspire all of us to do best.

#HauntedHousewares

Coven Mitts, Lights Witch, Scare Conditioning, and more #HauntedHousewares in this week's trending joke game!

A Haunting Plea to the HOA: Halloween Decor Disaster

Greetings from Apartment 3B, where Paul, the self-proclaimed defender of sanity, would like to issue a pre-emptive strike against the impending Halloween decor about to engulf our building. I hereby cast my vote in favor of banning these festive accouterments in the name of safety! 

How to Tell Whether Someone is a Spooky Costume Person, a Silly Costume Person, or a Sexy Costume Person

If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt) If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby) And more!

Failed Pitches From The Guy Who Invented Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Boilin’ Hot Mountain Dew, Soppin Wet Doritos, Pepsi flavored Coke, and more!

Sorry, Kid, No Handouts - Here’s How You Can Earn Your Halloween Candy

Pay Up: Want to get things done like a real adult? Pay your hard-earned tooth fairy money and  bribe me. Cigarettes, hooch, allowance money and you’ll get all the candy in the world. This is how business is done, and the younger you learn, the more likely you’d succeed as a Congressman. 

Lame Late Night Horror Shows

"Frankenstein Meets the Press”- We get the monster’s views on bread and fire.

#ScarySandwiches

Scorned Beef, Killed Cheese, Peanut Butter and Belly, and more #ScarySandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

Ouija Board Do's And Don'ts

DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor's Wi-Fi password. And more!

Gotham City’s Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary Wishes to Apologize

We are sorry that Poison Ivy saw fit to disrupt our annual orchid show once again. Our Board of Trustees has resolved not to discontinue this popular fundraiser simply because a costumed lunatic has attacked it three years out of the last five. The Gotham City Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary refuses to let scantily-clad eco-terrorists win.

Scent Memories From the Last Time I Went Camping

Description: We watch as our family car is engulfed in flames. Someone at another campsite yells, “call 9-1-1!” Dad looks at me and my little sister for the first time since we arrived and says, “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.” Top Notes: Gasoline

Are You Living Through Menopause Or The Climate Crisis?

Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!

Acceptable Ways To Pronounce “Entrepreneuer”

Under Purr Knower, Entree Panera, Intruder Prawner, and more!

#GhastlyGroceries

Poultrygeist, Skin Milk, Gravey, and more #GhastlyGroceries on this week's trending joke game!

QUIZ: ALF or MILF?

Extremely hairy, and if we're being honest, a bit smelly. Tends to spend a lot of time getting into adventures with teen boys in the neighborhood. Rife with a host of odd fungi and parasitic insects that are seemingly not of this world. And more!

You're Probably Wondering Why There's an Empty Pizza Box in My Trunk

I can see that you're wondering why there's an empty pizza box in my trunk. That's perfectly fair. A dead body would have been easier to justify. Car trunks are supposed to house proper car accoutrements like windshield wiper fluid and jumper cables and maybe a recently bought and forgotten blender. That's respectable trunk fare.

The Parents' Music Resource Center Returns with an Urgent Message: Beware of Billy Corgan This Halloween and Protect Your Pumpkins!

As we outfit our homes and yards with spooky—yet tasteful!—decorations, we encourage everyone to keep an eye out for any funny business. In the year of our Lord 2023, it’s not only the risk of razor blades in apples that still demands our vigilance. It’s also a musician named Billy Corgan who undoubtedly has violent intentions for any and all pumpkins he comes across.

News Briefs: Study Shows Demon Possessed Teens Not As Bad As Regular Teens

Plus: ER Patient With Candy Bar Stuffed Into Rectum Didn't Bring Enough For Everybody, Area Man's Fate Sealed After Leaving Toilet Seat Up In New Girlfriend's Apartment, Drivers Don't Even Question Origin Story Of Single Tennis Shoe On Side Of Highway.

24/7 Diners On Every Celestial Body

EARTH: OPEN 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR! MARS:OPEN 24.6/7.175, 373.1 DAYS A YEAR! JUPITER: OPEN 9.93/2.89, 150.28 DAYS A YEAR! And more!

New Event Venues for Climate Change

Outdoor Film in the Cavern, Bowling in the Cavern, Concert… in the Cavern and more!

#TerrorToys

Retch-a-Sketch, Scare Bears, American Ghoul Doll, and more #TerrorToys on this week's trending joke game!

An Open Letter to the Personal Trainer Who Entered the Gym Washroom and Yelled, “Fuck, It Smells Like Shit in Here!”

Look, I know the washroom stunk when you came to use the urinal, but what did you expect? The urinals are directly in front of 5 bathroom stalls, which were all in use. That’s 5 guys dropping a deuce in an enclosed space. Do the math: 5 times deuce equals double-digit dumping. You don’t have to be a genius to know that’s not going to smell like potpourri. 

Want to Write and Get Published in 5 Easy Steps? Just Remember this Handy Rotting Deer Metaphor

Step one: Pencils down. Do not just dive in, and actually do the job at hand. No real writer actually begins writing when they need to write. You need to give your idea space, let it breathe. You need to circle it, like a concussed deer who has staggered into the woods after a near-death collision with your Ford F-150.

Matterhornier and 8 Other Disney World Upgraded Attractions

Matterhornier, It’s a Medium Size World After All, Dumbo The Flying First Class Elephant, and more!

Neil deGrasse Tyson Sounds Off On Other Movies

No Time To Die: "On the contrary, I'm afraid.   This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades." 

Your Internal Organs: Ranked!

#6. Kidneys: Filtration at its finest, this magical little body part removes all the filth from your ingested liquids, and turns it into more filth. A true classic, their shape has inspired many designs, from vintage swimming pools, to beans, to hospital vomit pans. The kidneys can be a vengeful little pair, and possess a unique power that allows them to spontaneously grow actual stones when angered. Don’t piss off the kidneys.

#SillyCereals

Grape Nutty, Quaker Jokes, Funny Smacks, and more #SillyCereals on this week's trending joke game.

Biographies of Side Characters in Every Rom-Com

Female Lead’s Sidekick: You can expect Female Lead’s Sidekick to assert herself once when Female Lead lashes out at her or takes her for granted for the 700th time. But then, Female Lead will bring over Phish Food ice cream (it’s their thing) with two spoons and say, “Sidekick, you know you’re my rock. Can we be forever again? You know I’d literally die for you.” 

Questions I Have For The House Judiciary Committee Chairman

Mr. Chairman, to your knowledge, have historians uncovered Mambo No. 1 through 4 yet? Mr. Chairman, do you agree with your colleagues that say Forrest Gump is "mid"? Mr. Chairman, do you happen to know the status of smell-o-vision? And more!

Sex With Me, Sponsored By Brooklinen

Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.

Baby Babble Translations for New Moms

jah-cho-cho-cho = Look what I found in the cat litter box. yai-yai pokka da = Where’s your good sweater? Hurry, I have to puke. catzakup poodo = Soon enough I won’t need you, except to drive me places. And more!

Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet

Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching 'Blossom'. Don't be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!

#DismalDisneyMovies

The Lady and the Tramp Stamp, Herpes: The Love Bug, Malice in Wonderland, and more #DismalDisneyMovies on this week's trending hashtag game!

Elon Musk’s Proposed Fee Schedule for X (formerly Twitter)

Per Post- .001, Per Re-post- .002, Per Musk Re-Post- free, and more!

Stephen King’s Past Birthday Wishes

Waterstarter? The blinking cursor is now a blinking thumbs-up. A jet Ski. Wait, no…a possessed jet ski. And more!

Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon’s Behavior)

'Everybody Hurts' - REM, 'Drain you' - Nirvana, 'Deep Inside of You' - Third Eye Blind, and more!

Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)

"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "Baby With Tattoos On Board" "If The Van Is A'Rockin', Automated Weapons We're A'Glockin'" and more!

An Influencer Reviews the Cardiologist

Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You’ll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don’t forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won’t let just anyone seek treatment.

‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School 

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.