An Open Letter to the Personal Trainer Who Entered the Gym Washroom and Yelled, “Fuck, It Smells Like Shit in Here!”

Look, I know the washroom stunk when you came to use the urinal, but what did you expect? The urinals are directly in front of 5 bathroom stalls, which were all in use. That’s 5 guys dropping a deuce in an enclosed space. Do the math: 5 times deuce equals double-digit dumping. You don’t have to be a genius to know that’s not going to smell like potpourri. 

Want to Write and Get Published in 5 Easy Steps? Just Remember this Handy Rotting Deer Metaphor

Step one: Pencils down. Do not just dive in, and actually do the job at hand. No real writer actually begins writing when they need to write. You need to give your idea space, let it breathe. You need to circle it, like a concussed deer who has staggered into the woods after a near-death collision with your Ford F-150.

Matterhornier and 8 Other Disney World Upgraded Attractions

Matterhornier, It’s a Medium Size World After All, Dumbo The Flying First Class Elephant, and more!

Neil deGrasse Tyson Sounds Off On Other Movies

No Time To Die: "On the contrary, I'm afraid.   This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades." 

Your Internal Organs: Ranked!

#6. Kidneys: Filtration at its finest, this magical little body part removes all the filth from your ingested liquids, and turns it into more filth. A true classic, their shape has inspired many designs, from vintage swimming pools, to beans, to hospital vomit pans. The kidneys can be a vengeful little pair, and possess a unique power that allows them to spontaneously grow actual stones when angered. Don’t piss off the kidneys.


Grape Nutty, Quaker Jokes, Funny Smacks, and more #SillyCereals on this week's trending joke game.

Biographies of Side Characters in Every Rom-Com

Female Lead’s Sidekick: You can expect Female Lead’s Sidekick to assert herself once when Female Lead lashes out at her or takes her for granted for the 700th time. But then, Female Lead will bring over Phish Food ice cream (it’s their thing) with two spoons and say, “Sidekick, you know you’re my rock. Can we be forever again? You know I’d literally die for you.” 

Questions I Have For The House Judiciary Committee Chairman

Mr. Chairman, to your knowledge, have historians uncovered Mambo No. 1 through 4 yet? Mr. Chairman, do you agree with your colleagues that say Forrest Gump is "mid"? Mr. Chairman, do you happen to know the status of smell-o-vision? And more!

Baby Babble Translations for New Moms

jah-cho-cho-cho = Look what I found in the cat litter box. yai-yai pokka da = Where’s your good sweater? Hurry, I have to puke. catzakup poodo = Soon enough I won’t need you, except to drive me places. And more!

Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet

Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching 'Blossom'. Don't be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!


The Lady and the Tramp Stamp, Herpes: The Love Bug, Malice in Wonderland, and more #DismalDisneyMovies on this week's trending hashtag game!

Elon Musk’s Proposed Fee Schedule for X (formerly Twitter)

Per Post- .001, Per Re-post- .002, Per Musk Re-Post- free, and more!

Stephen King’s Past Birthday Wishes

Waterstarter? The blinking cursor is now a blinking thumbs-up. A jet Ski. Wait, no…a possessed jet ski. And more!

Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon’s Behavior)

'Everybody Hurts' - REM, 'Drain you' - Nirvana, 'Deep Inside of You' - Third Eye Blind, and more!

Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)

"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "Baby With Tattoos On Board" "If The Van Is A'Rockin', Automated Weapons We're A'Glockin'" and more!

An Influencer Reviews the Cardiologist

Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You’ll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don’t forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won’t let just anyone seek treatment.

‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School 

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.


San Francisco 49°, Minnesota Hikings, Los Angeles Yams, and more #FallAFootballTeam on this week's trending joke game!

Hollywood Memo: I.P. Daily

Star Jaws: An intergalactic space shark threatens the Republic of Planets and a scrappy band of rebels are called in to destroy it.

Ten Sure-Bet Reality Shows Canceled After Initial Approval

Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.

The Great Rock Debate: The Beatles or The Dino Dudes?

While the Beatles touring time in the US was somewhat limited due to what can only be described as Beatlemania, those lucky enough to see the Fab 4 play in person will tell you that John, Paul, George, and Ringo more than effectively commanded the stage. Whether or not the same can be said for The Dino Dudes is up for some debate. Whereas the Beatles’ 1964 North American Tour is well documented by way of online clips and documentaries, footage of the Dino Dudes was lost to poor camera placement.

Seinfeld Reunion: The Dick Pic

“A DICK PIC, JERRY! SHE WANTS A DICK PIC!” The funeral home falls silent as George cowers in embarrassment. “She won’t meet tonight unless I send her a photo of my genitals,” he whispers. “What kind of sick world are we living in?”

Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!!  No, I'm serious, RIGHT NOW!!  Go, Now!!   Why Are You Still Reading This???

PornHubble: A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity...

Audience Reviews From Romeo and Juliet's Opening Night

“As someone whose family is also mired in a generations-long feud, it felt nice to be represented.” “Took me right back to when I was a horny, wealthy teenager.” “I had a roach in my popped corn.” And more!


Flu Velvet, Mississippi Burning Sensation, Gout Of Africa, and more #Achy80sMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Items Found in Burning Man’s Porta Potties

Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys, Hammer pants with sewn on aerial dance ribbons, Mosaic policeman’s cap with jingle bells, and more!

Pretty Basic Skinny Dip Tips

Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!

SAG-AFTRA Answers FAQs About Labor Day Celebrations During the Strike

Can I jump over a blazing hot fire pit? Performing stunts are not permitted either. Also, it’s not a good idea to risk burning bridges or your face. If acting ever becomes a thing again, you’ll need our organization and also, good headshots.

Internal Memo From Producers Re: Fall 2023 TV/Film Schedule

Dancing with the Dead Stars:  AI-generated dancers Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers vie against Gene Kelly and Judy Garland, as well as Patrick Swayze and Josephine Baker, for an intergenerational ballroom dancing competition...

Depressing Karaoke Night

HOST: Oh, you came.  Welcome to Depressing Karaoke Night.  If you’re not bummed yet, you totally will be. 


ReVoltron, Optimus Slime, R2D-Poo, and more #RottonRobots on this week's trending joke game!

Jesse Watters' Unblemished Record of Heterosexuality

Age 16: Lost virginity to high school girlfriend Jane Doe, a real girl who went to my high school but has since changed her last name, her first name, and all distinguishing physical characteristics so no one can ever look her up.

Lustler Magazine

Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let's Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!

Ten Reasons Why I Still Plan to Consume Alcohol Next Weekend Despite Being on Anti-Inflammatory Medication

Some sources on the internet claim that binge drinking may drastically increase the potency of this medicine.  That's a good thing, right?  That means my shoulder should heal faster if I enjoy a few glasses of whiskey.  

This City Has Really Gone Downhill

This city has become dangerous too! On my neighborhood Facebook group, people are always talking about how they see “suspicious characters” lingering about town. Sure, this city used to have suspicious characters too, but back then they would be caught committing a crime and then put behind bars for a period of time. These new suspicious characters don’t ever actually commit crimes and, thus, are impossible to catch. The crime in this city used to be more obvious and frankly that’s how I preferred it.


The X-tacy Men, The Stoned Ranger, James Bong, and more #HighHeroes on this week's trending joke game!

I'm the Republican Who's Going to Beat Donald Trump and- Oh No I Just Shit My Pants

This country desperately needs Trumpism without Trump. And I am not Trump. No, I'm- shitting my pants again! Oh no! Hnnnn! Hnnnnnnnnnnnn! Ew, my pants are full of shit! Why is this happening? I'm just trying to say and do everything Donald Trump would while looking and sounding more Presidential! Hhhnn! Oh God I'm shitting more- Hhhhhhhnnnnnnn! The shit's coming out of the bottom of my pants now!

Album Names For Your Dad's Bluegrass Cover Band

Dixie With Myself, Dark Side of the Moonshine, Wish You Were Deer, and more!

A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page

OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom

Breakfast At Tiffany’s

Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved.

Quiz: Are You Experiencing Violent, Bone-Shaking Airplane Turbulence, Or Is Your Toddler Just Having Another Turbulent Tuesday?

The floor is covered in tiny bags of snacks. Someone is forcefully ejected from their seat. Your partner is somehow sleeping. And more!

Detective, if You Mess up 18 or 19 More Times You’re off the Case

Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve.

Elevator Pitches for Elevators 

Funhouse mirrors to make riders look thinner to increase their self-confidence, Funhouse mirrors to give riders distorted faces so they don’t get overconfident, Bats, and more!


Hulewd, Hotify, ParaMount Me + and more #SexyStreamingServices on this week's trending joke game!

Diet Tips for Presidential Hopefuls

We’re body positive now, which means that I’m positive you need to make some body changes.

Signs That Your Summer Camp Is Actually a Religious Cult

Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.

How Dare You Haters Criticize My Hit Country Song, "Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses."

But “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses” is in no way a political song, or anti-anything or anyone. It’s a song about building community, symbolized by the life of a fictional character, who I happen to name “Donald Trump,” who lives in a small town called “Mar-a-Lago,”...

Neighborhood Highlights, According to My Dog

Fence With Dog: This is where my friend Fat Dog lives. This is a great place if you are looking to socialize. And while you are here, be sure to take some big honkin’ snorffs of the billowing waves of his piss steam coming through the fence.


Blight Castle, In-n-Gout Burger, Jack In The Pox, and more #FesteringFastFood on this week's trending joke game!

Classy Alternatives for When Your Extra Virgin Olive Oil Isn’t Extra Enough

Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Thanks For Cooking, I’ll Do The Dishes

Don’t worry about germs, the hot water will kill most of the bacteria. No hot water at the cottage? No problem-o, the dish soap will do the heavy lifting. Salmonella? Come on, everyone knows you can only get that from salmon.

Amenities at the Anti-Patriarchy Day Spa

Upon giving enthusiastic consent to be gently mummified in a mineral-rich algae wrap, you’ll receive a steady stream of affirmations reflecting your inherent human value, while our state-of-the-art Sonos speakers alternate between playing Jessi J’s Queen and a calming voice whispering true statistics about the body size of the average human woman.

We’d Be Happy to Help You Unsubscribe From Future Emails!

We would like to make you confirm with the vernacular of a petulant child by clicking the “I don’t care, unsubscribe me anyway” button.  And is that tone really the kind of person you want to be?

All These Ballplayers Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames Is Killing Baseball

Answer me this, MLB. How are fans supposed to enjoy a day out at the ballpark while constantly on edge that their favorite players could at any point start smoldering and catch fire?


Cinnamon Toast Punch, Frosted Aches, Scream of Wheat, and more #SoreCereals on this week's trending joke game!

Famous Movie Lines Had They Used A.I.

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

No, I’m Not Prepared To Tell You How I’d Like My Hair Cut

Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let’s do it.

Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot'

It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It's so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!

Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie

Dream Colors for Climate Change: There’s no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as well use paint colors that can be seen miles away in outer space. Maybe in a perfect world we’ll be rescued by a fleet of alien dolls.

What Your Therapist's Couch Says About Them

Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.


Snoreos, Sneezecake, Snot Pockets, and more #SnottySnacks on this week's trending joke game!

Other New Florida State Board of Education Guidelines

World War I: Not necessary to teach - too boring. World War II: Describe how even broads can find a place in society once learning a marketable skill. Catholic Church sexual abuse cases: Never happened. And more!

The Mayor Doesn’t Have a Magic Wand…

PRESS SECRETARY: “Let me be clear. The Mayor did not ‘lose’ the wand. It is blatantly obvious that City Councilman Teddy Bilson—who plans to run against the Mayor next year—stole it.”

Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit

Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral?

A Statement on Our Relationship From American Airlines and JetBlue Airways

It is with great sadness that we at JetBlue and American Airlines announce the end of our partnership. This was a very difficult process for us and we want everyone to know that we are parting on loving terms. We have nothing but admiration for each other’s low fares, bonus mile offers, and inflight menu selections. 

You Love This Ad for the Barbie (the Movie)/Progressive Insurance Commercial Barbie (the Doll)–Themed Pinkberry Flavor

This, finally, is the maximum Barbie branding saturation you have been waiting for.


Cruella De Bill Nye, Green GobLin Manuel Miranda, Queen Latifah of Hearts, and more #SupervillainACelebrity on this week's trending joke game!

The State of the All-American Hot Dog

The Climate? The Wealth Gap? The Supply Chain? See it as a hotdog! You know you are wondering...

Classic, Respected Literature As Tasteless, Lowbrow Poop Jokes

The Great Shatsby (by F Scott Shitzgerland), To Kill a Mockingturd, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, and more!

Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump

Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don't want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um... do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I'm a sentient penis pump. The only thing I've ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.

Responses to the Question, 'Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?'

“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”


Community Pool, Man With A Tan, Sanford and Sun, and more #SummerASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

Mission Impossible Movie or Improv Troupe?

It’s not clear if or how anyone’s getting paid. It’s a lot of white guys and one woman. The group believes what they are doing is saving the world. And more!

Classic Children's Books Updated for Our Time

Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails, And more!

Gambling Problem? Visit Our Casino!

Let’s say your friend Frank has a particularly bad hankering to gamble; you can pledge $100 in support of his recovery, voicing your confidence that he can abstain from betting. If Frank makes it six months without placing a bet, your $100 contribution will net you a $1,000 “thank you” payment—a reward for your faith in your buddy.

The Rise and Fall of My Cat, Former Zoom Celebrity: An Oral History

Dr. Erica Nuñez (pet psychologist): It can be stressful when the power imbalance in the home shifts so dramatically, when suddenly the pet is outshining the owner.

Ridiculous Questions I Have About the New Social Media App Threads

Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!

Delivery Notifications Ahead of the Teamsters Strike

Notification #5: Your package finally arrived at the sorting facility Justin, a third-generation Teamster, is now sorting your package, but he only gets a five-minute break once every four hours, so he might “make a mistake”. And when you deliver 18.7 million packages domestically each day, they can’t all be winners. 


Thumb Raisin, Salted Camel, Rocky Toad, and more #RuinAnIceCream on this week's trending joke game!

Joey Chestnut’s Yelp Review of Nathan’s Famous, Coney Island, July 5

Normally, I dip my hot dogs into a big bucket of water so that the buns are thoroughly soaked when I eat them. Today, no buckets. I had to buy a bottle of water. A guy saw me pouring my water out all over my second hot dog and he said “there’s mustard over there, you know.” I don’t know where the dude was from, but literally nobody puts mustard on hot dogs in America. It makes it so much harder to eat. Who has time for that, anyway?

Your Dog's Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs 'em? Look, I haven't forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn't allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.

News Briefs: Middle Aged Eagle Scout Top Recruitment Pick For Local Area Cults

Plus: Exhaustive Study Reveals Slip-In Shoes Greatest Achievement Of New Millenium, Kitchen Junk Drawer Officially Too Full To Open, Man With Dad Bod Isn't Even Really A Dad.

Please Do Not Show My Child Michelangelo’s David for I Wish to Bang It

When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.”  No. I think, "I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art.

5 Summer Activities That Make Me Think You Might Be AI Generated

Now I know fun is subjective and there are many ways to indulge. I don’t judge! But, personally, there are some activities I believe to be so generic and dumb that only a computer could come up with it. (No offense to computers. My phone is a computer and I love my phone. But my phone also turns itself off after being left in the sun for 45 and a half seconds.) 


Dewbacca, District Brine, Moist Max, and more #SoggySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

An Actual Conversation About That Episode

Me:  Oh. My. God. Did you see that episode? Other Person:  See it?  I feel like I lived it.  That episode shall dwell inside of me for eternity. Like an indestructible tapeworm. Me:  You’re lucky.  That episode gutted me like a fish. Both emotionally and physically.  I don’t think I took a breath that whole episode. 

I’ve Tried So Hard to Be a Responsible Dog Owner and Yet Somehow I’ve Still Raised an Inconsiderate, Hedonistic Pie Thief

Oh great, you’re throwing up the pie now. And here comes the parchment paper. See this is what I’m talking about.

A Press Conference Following My Dinner At Applebees 

Why did you go to dinner at Applebee’s? That’s something I kept asking myself during the dinner itself. I suppose the easiest answer is guilt. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while, and she asked if I wanted to grab dinner “somewhere nice,” which I took to mean like a steakhouse or something.

The Optimal Life Can Be Yours If You Have the Right Routine and Zero Obligations

First, it’s key to wake up at 4 am every day, since a consistent sleep/wake cycle maintains your optimal metabolism. Don’t use an alarm—instead, you want to hone your circadian rhythms by going to bed at 8 pm in the peaceful house where you live alone. Be sure to avoid common pitfalls, such as consuming caffeine after noon, or children.

An Awkward Silence In The Car

I just hit that guy with my car, didn’t I? Oh my god. I just hit that guy and he flew over the guardrail and landed perfectly into the bed of a garbage truck going the other way. And I’m still driving!


XBOX Wine, World of Winecraft, Portnite, and more #VinoAVideoGame on this week's trending joke game!

I Got Tired of Having a Personality, So Instead I’m Wearing This Bucket Hat

I decided the best course of action was to cover the top half of my face with a pink, fuzzy bucket hat. I searched the nearest gutter and found the perfect one. 

New Summer Pool Rules

No peeing in the pool, please! Instead wear a diaper into the pool, and dispose of appropriately later. No alcoholic beverages in or around the pool.  Be a goddamned adult and take drugs instead. And more!

Quiz: Nickname For Trump or Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor

Baby Finger, Dirt Cake, Angry Creamsicle, and more!

Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the Gays Would Buy During Pride Month

LA Dodgers Rainbow Nun Habit: Missing your favorite drag nuns? Buy this habit from us- the ones who uninvited them from our LGBTQ+ Pride Night in the first place!

Truly Terrible Fathers' Day Gifts

World’s #1 Dad, Is What I Told The Parole Board Mug, And More!

Amazon's Choice

Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.


Pustard, Mice Cream, Key Grime Pie, and more #DisgustingDesserts on this week's trending joke game!

Father’s Day Grit Guide From 3M’s Sandpaper Division

420 Grit: A dope micro-grit for the hippie dad who keeps going out to the garage to “look for something” every couple of hours.

Guided Meditation for Control-Minded Bros

Notice your body. Are you holding tension anywhere? If you are, well done. Clench your butt cheeks together like you’re trying to crack a walnut in your ass-crack.

2023 Spelling Bee Word or Weight Loss Pill

Xentermine, Probouleutic, OxiPHEX, and more!

Corporate Statement Templates For This Pride Month

Pride Parade Float Is Set On Fire : We here at [cabal of billionaires/actual power behind the government] are [saddened/overjoyed] to hear about the [tragic/wonderful] events that took place at the recent Pride parade.

Ding Dong, The Bigot Is Dead

DOROTHY: Okay, well, normally I would feel terrible about this, my house landing on someone and all. But it sounds like he was a bad person right? So him dying is a good thing? GAY-LINDA: It’s a great thing! It’s a Pride miracle!


Crazed ham and cheese, French Dippy, BBQanon Sandwich, and more #PsychoSandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

Survival Guide For Being Shipwrecked In An Episodic TV Series

You’ll likely be lucky enough to get stranded on the only island on Earth that isn’t susceptible to tsunamis, hurricanes, or climate change at large. Your sandy beaches and shanty town made from your wreckage will remain as picturesque as ever. You actually have it better than your friends back home!   

If You Want To Make It As A Mime, You Need A Brass Pair of Balls

The people out there need mimes, it is easily people's favorite form of entertainment, so what we do matters. I know that if I don’t go out there and exaggerate every facial expression in a comical manner, the fabric of society falls apart.

Boston Sports Fan Pain Chart

Bean Town or Mean Town? Tough place to be a fan.

Op-Ed: I’m the Alien Controlling Mike Pence from Inside His Skull–Farewell, Earth 

I understand the grief many of you might feel now that you know the truth about Michael. Some of you loved him. Others despised him. But please, accept this: there is no “Mike Pence.” Michael was never real...

If Famous Crime Movies Revolved Around Kohl's Cash

Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.


XXX-Men, BoJack-Off Horseman, Screwby Doo, and more #CrudeCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

Short Attention Span Musical Theater

Annie Get Your Gun Annie: I can do anything you can do better Boyfriend: Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Curtain

An Open Letter To Those Who Declined My Facebook Event Invite

It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our Ninth Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible.

Playlist: Classic Songs Updated For Privileged White Men

You’ve Got A Friend (That Could Refer Me At McKinsey, Right?) Originally by James Taylor And more!

My Sleep Rider: Contractual Requirements for Sleeping at a Friend’s House After Age 35

Noise Levels: Once The Light Sleeper enters the Designated Sleeping Space, silence must reign for the following ten (10) hours. The Host commits to ameliorating any excess noise, including, but not limited to: household snoring, street noise from the nearby fire station, pet snuffles, and whatever that creaking pipe and/or Victorian ghost situation was last time. 

Truly Terrible Congressional Cost Cutting Measures

Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!


ZZ Topless, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Tongue, Twister Fister, and more #EroticRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

We Are Denying You Admittance To This University Because Your Senior Prank Was So Lame 

We encourage all of our students to try to embody this mantra at all times, as creativity is inherent in the Wilhearst experience. So with that aphorism in mind, you can only imagine how disappointed our team was to see that hackneyed senior prank you tried to pull with your buddy Jeff.

Here’s Looking at You, Chat as transcribed by Michael “Micky” Shaw

You’ve told me a good many things. Sometimes I think you do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of thinking too, it adds up to one thing. You’re going to go back to where you came from.

Billboard’s Greatest Hits Rewritten By AI

R-E-S-P-GPT, Prompt Me Baby One More Time, Bye Bye Bye-nary. And more!

Gothmopolitan Magazine

Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other's Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.

My Speech to the 2023 Graduates

Congratulations, kindergarteners. And before you go dislocating your shoulders patting each other’s backs, you should know that the real world is more than fingerpaints and snack time. And first grade can be a bitch.

Unfortunately Fortuitous Quotes From the Animated Film Playing Down the Hall As You and Your Partner Climax

“Ready or not, I’m coming in hot!” -Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021)

I Had to Buy This Tent From REI, It Was on Sale and It’s Slightly Different From My Other Tents

I can’t wait to try it out this summer. In the meantime, I’ll put it away with all my other REI tents in the makeshift gear storage space in the corner of my 800 sq ft apartment.


Dr. Strain, The Hash, Fantastic 420, and more #StonedSuperHeroes on this week's trending joke game!

The Nine Circles of Helloton

No pain, no gain. At least that’s what the sign on the door says. 

GOP Updated & Approved Versions Of Popular Literature

Cujo: The love and kindness of a gentle St. Bernard dog is just what's needed to bring together a family struggling with undisclosed personal issues.

I Have To Manspread on Public Transportation Due To My Massively Wide Chode

When you see me or any other man stretching out as if the subway is our own personal living room, know that it’s due to our penises being oriented horizontally and shaped like harmonicas.


Anchovy Hathaway, Skate Winslet, Eel Patrick Harris, and more #FishACelebrity on this week's trending joke game!

I’ll Be Honest, I Thought Robbing Banks Would Be Easier

To rob a bank, you don’t need a gun. You need heart. You also need an accomplice, a getaway driver, and nuns’ costumes like in The Town, from critically-acclaimed director Ben Affleck.

Fantasy Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms of Small Children Presented in Increasing Order of Implausibility

One full week of school which is not cut short due to a holiday closure, early pick up or communicable illness. And more!

News Briefs: Study Reveals Exposure To Life Increases Symptoms Of Depression

Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies "Birthday Only" Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.

Math Word Problems for Writers 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?


Chocolate Drownies, Key Lime Die, Cinnabomb Rolls, and more #DangerousDesserts on this week's trending joke game!

Checklist For Things To Bring To Your Next Wedding Weekend

Jars of incense because you have unfortunately become that person. Flashcards reminding you not to drunkenly namedrop King Tutankhamen. Tupperware with ham and cheese sandwich. You saw the menu. And more!

I Want You to Have This Book, Which I’ve Read in the Bathroom

The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.

QUIZ: Classic SNL Sketch or Unhinged Social Media Ad?

You were born into the misinformation age and are addicted to the internet, but which generation are you at heart? Self-diagnose yourself as a true Gen X, Millennial, or Generation Z by testing your dated pop-culture knowledge and your grasp of online marketing grifts.

What I’ve Learned Moving From New York To LA 

When you’re so depressed that you sleep through a beautiful day, you don’t have to feel guilty because it’ll still be beautiful out tomorrow. There’s a much greater diversity of industries in Los Angeles than I assumed: You can work in film, television, or film and television. And more!


Truth or Bare, Beer Thong, Taboob, and more #PervertedPartyGames on this week's trending joke game!

WordleBot Here, and Your Gameplay Analysis Has Me a Little Concerned

You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.  

Popular Séance Magazine

Ouija Board Or Ouija Bored: How To Guarantee You Get A Spirited Spirit Every Time, and more in this issue of Popular Séance Magazine.

How To Be A Proper Introvert: A Guide For Extroverts

Congratulations on your decision to take the first step towards changing your life. With this short course, we hope to help you feel confident replacing the chaotic, and quite frankly selfish, lifestyle of drawing your energy from interacting with other people, to a more tranquil, altruistic lifestyle of leaving others the hell alone. Our objective for this tutorial, is to help you grab the social butterfly within you, and kill it.

Some Possible New Jobs for Tucker Carlson

GOP diversity consultant, Melting wax figure of Tucker Carlson, Busboy at Trump Grill, and more!

Headlines From the Dominion / Fox News Trial We Will Never Get To See...

Fox Newscasters Arrive at Court Hearing Atop 4 Flying Horses, Swarm of Locusts Found on Sean Hannity During Pre Trial Security Screening, Judge Jeanine Pirro Appears Anxious, Uneasy In Presence of Real Judge, and more!