Entries by Ryan David


Originals

Boeing’s Quality Control Team Meets to Discuss Safety and Bird Attacks

BOB: Take a seat, team. Liz is right. We have to go into damage-control mode and get to the bottom of this crash. But we need to ask the right questions.
LIZ: How could this happen?
BOB: Wrong question.
CARTER: Who’s responsible?
BOB: Even more wrong.
WILLIAM: Who can we blame?
BOB: Bingo.

Originals

I’m the Silica Gel Packet in Your Beef Jerky Bag and Actually, Please Eat Me

Ah, I get it. Your gut is too good for me, deserving only the finest dried cow scrotum to complement a thriving colony of microplastics. Sorry that I can’t be caviar, crème brûlée, or the massive cheese block you fiendishly inhaled in bed at 3 AM. I guess there are humans unafraid to expand the frontier of edible exploration and those who suck down Skittles à la Hungry Hungry Hippos.