True Crime Podcasts Recommended By Your Mom’s Friend Janet

A Dark Reckoning: One of the investigators sounds just like your brother Thomas.  The same inflections and everything!  Tell him that I said hi when you see him, is he still seeing that one girl?

In Honor of Martin Luther King Jr., We’re Dismantling Federal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion

We’re not killing Dr. King’s dream, we’re just removing the problem entirely from our line of sight so that it no longer exists. Not seeing color isn’t racism repackaged, it’s true equality.

Yoga-Adjacent Poses to Guide You Through the Second Trump Administration

What if I am hopelessly uncoordinated? No one is left behind! Just for you we have composed a lovely set of affirmations in a spoken-word CD called, "Sad Truths for Easy Weeping." Lie awake to such inspiring reflections as, "I wouldn't put it past them to abolish the FDIC," and, "What if he never leaves??"

The Next 10 Air Bud Movies

Air Bud NASCAR: Need for Breed

MAGAmmendments to the Ten Commandments

2nd Commandment: Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, which is definitely a big one.  Unless you’re willing to cut me in on the deal and let me get my beak wet, then you can take it in vain to your heart’s content.  Let’s set up a meeting.

The Next Four Years Told Through Youtube Titles

Alien Invasion or Elaborate Hoax? Zane & Maya Discuss While Cooking Chicken Alfredo

I’m a Popcorn Bowl NOT a Throw-Up Bowl

Hey, Greg. No, you’re not hallucinating; it’s me, your popcorn bowl. I know we don’t normally do this, but I don’t know how much time we have, so I’d appreciate it if you listen to what I have to say. Greg, I am a popcorn bowl. That means I hold popcorn, not throw up.

The New Astrology: You Are A Combination of Two of These Five Pillars

Spongebob Squarepants = Risky / Whimsy  - Lives in a pineapple under the effing sea, positive and lighthearted, isn’t scared of getting stung by jellyfish, probably doesn’t have health insurance or a 401K (Mr. Krabs would never provide employee benefits)

Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2024

Our yearly list you don't want to miss!

Why Virgin Mary Is Opting For a Natural Barn Birth

I make my clothes and wash them in the river not because I only own and can only afford one garment but because it’s the sustainable option. At the end of the day, I’m doing what’s right for me and my little savior of the world.

Roasting On An Open Fire: Andrew “Ice” Sleigh Roasts Santa

Hey, glad to see everyone!  How’s everybody doing tonight?  I see Frosty was able to get out of rehab in order to be here.  Could somebody check, I guarantee you that he’s at least fifty percent frozen alcohol right now.  A walking, talking pina colada - Please Frosty, just let the hat fall off and leave it at that. Jesus.       

As Emerald City Officials, We Assure You the Winged Monkeys are Nothing to Worry About

We are tired of all these conspiracy theories. Remember last year when Gillikin Country was blanketed in a glowing mystery haze and we told you it was nothing? Sure it turned out to be a deadly tornado originating from Kansas, but it was most certainly not Elphaba trying to get hold of those ruby slippers by blowing weed into your lungs. Or that time when the green liquid was found flowing out of Lake Quad? It was just some raw poison poppy contaminating the crops. Not the witch urinating on Oz. 

A Christmas Carol... If It Had Gone Horribly Wrong Within The First Few Minutes

Christmas Eve 1843 was a fairly good day for Scrooge, at least by his twisted standards. He'd only gotten to foreclose on three widows and hadn't kicked a single orphan, but he did get to reject a dinner invitation from his nephew Fred in a particularly brutal way and he made absolute mincemeat out of two charity chumps who foolishly came into the office, scrounging for donations.

Escaping Flavortown with Guy Fieri

You wake up in a pile of giant calamari, and the hot oil stings your skin. The gargantuan halos are looped around your arms and legs, pulling you down. They’re fresh out of the fryer and hot, hot, hot! How did you get here? You don’t know. You remember nothing. You just know you’re burning to death in an oversized appetizer of crispy, crispy rings. It does smell good, though--perhaps a hint of lemon.

Christmas Songs For Spinsters

O Horny Night, You're a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!

Lesser Known Facts About House Speaker Mike Johnson

Truly believes that God sent Donald Trump to lead America, and yet still chooses to be a Christian anyway.

It’s Time to Get Hard

I needed to find one of these wise gurus who is a leader in anti-softness like Bill Maher so I could tell him in person (the best way) about what I learned on this journey (so much). But when I broke into his studio, he just called for security, which kind of surprised me. I thought from his complaining about the woke youth that he wanted to collaborate mano a (wo)mano with hardos like me.

House Resolution: Renaming Donald Trump’s “Transition” Team to Reflect That He Is Biologically President

A “Biological President” is naturally “male,” meaning an individual who has, had, or would have, but for a historical polo accident, the reproductive system that at some point produces, transports, and ejects sperm for exclusively male purposes, such as fertilization or so-called “sexual assault,” which is defined as the legal and victim-less playboy antics of a rogue, rake, or rapscallion.

I’ve Decided to Replace the Guinea Pig With a Larger, Slightly More Calculated Guinea Pig

I didn’t want this to happen. When I went to Petco and looked for the best guinea pig to defend all the other guinea pigs, I felt confident that I was walking away with the right one. But recently, some disturbing accusations have come to light. In the wake of these alleged scandals, I may be forced to do the unthinkable: Replace this guinea pig with a slightly larger, more calculated guinea pig. From a different Petco, of course. 

New Holiday Travel Road Games

Mad Libtards: While stopping for dinner at a Cracker Barrel in the middle of nowhere (there was literally no other place within 50 miles, sue me), how many times and in different ways do the locals use the word “libtard” to describe basic acts of human decency?   Too many to count, get the fuck out of there!!

Rejected Sequels To “The Nightmare Before Christmas”

The Cupid’s Arrow on Cinco De Mayo, The Fasting Before Arbor Day, The Egg Hunt On My Birthday, and more!

Letters From The Frontlines Of The War On Christmas

Sweetheart, Went to a Target tonight. I was horrified to learn the nutcrackers have turned gay. Why must these Secularists sexualize everything? Put your nuts in its mouth like the rest of us and enjoy the birth of our Lord. Merry Christmas, Jim

The Unspoken Grief of Having to Listen to Your Mother-in-Law Complain About Not Being a Grandparent

But what about my unspoken grief of having to listen to my mother-in-law complain about not being a grandparent? I don’t hear the New York Times knocking on my barren front door for a quote. 

Plaque Friday: A Comprehensive Guide To The Best Holiday Dental Bargains In Your Area

Priddy And Sons Dental: 2 crowns for the price of one, bonus X-ray rewards program benefits, only cursory groping and less than half a dozen unlawful photos taken by dentist and assistants.

Are You at a Turkey Trot 5K or Getting High On a Cousin Walk Before Thanksgiving Dinner?

You’re starting to struggle to breathe and realize you might have overdone it.

If You Were Raised by Gen X Parents, You May Be Entitled to Compensation

Naturally, as Gen Z you feel entitled to everything regardless.  But this settlement is directed at individuals who experienced one or more of the following: Inability to hear other points of view without freaking out. Your job title is “social media influencer”. You can’t read an entire shopping list without getting distracted. And more!

Seven Possible Out-of-Office Notifications for American Democracy

Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I’m away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I’ve done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence. Thanks, Democracy

Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel

A Nightmare On 34th St: Fearing that he will flicker out of existence soon, Freddy enlists the aid of the little girl and the lawyer who proved that Santa was real in Miracle On 34th St.   Includes the notorious scene where Freddy invades Santa’s dreamscape and forces him to watch his mother playing with herself.

Matt Gaetz Drops AG Bid Amid Suss Speculations

Realized "senior staff" wasn't referring to high school seniors. And more!

Quiz: Tender Catcall Bestowed Upon Me or Michael Bolton Song?

1. How Can We Be Lovers 2. Are You Taken? 3. Murder My…

Quiz: National Spelling Bee Winner or National Spelling Bee Winning Word

Nanatuk Venkatachalam Nandipati Appoggiatura Feldenkrai Buddiga Tidmarsh Succedaneum Demarche Sujoe National…

Quiz: Brazilian Soccer Player or Yoga Pants

1. Neymar 2. Lululemon 3. Kaka 4. Garincho 5. Fabletics 6.…

Quiz: Celebrity Kid Name or Snack Chip Flavor

1. Rainbow Aurora 2. Chile Lime 3. Wasabi Ginger 4. Apple 5.…