Driving Directions to My Place Way Out in the Sticks

I live somewhat in the boonies, so people sometimes get lost driving to my place. I’ll try to keep it simple. Got a pencil and paper ready?

 

Start by getting on Old Route 4. It’s got another name on GPS, but GPS is worthless here because of the surrounding hillocks. You’ll be on the road a good long while. If you pass the corn billboard, you’ve gone too far. Turn around and head back about 20 miles.

 

When you come to a traffic circle, take the northwest exit perpendicular to the lake. 

 

This is grasshopper country, so roll your windows up tight. They’ll drop their eggs right into the passenger compartment of a speeding car and onto your lap. I’ve seen it too many times.

 

Cross the county line. There used to be a road marker before the washout. All the locals know where it was, and the county commissioner for sure knows.

 

Don’t be alarmed by all the lasso weed. It’s native to here.

 

You’ll pass through a few towns named after the presidents of Rotary clubs. One of the towns—the second one I think—has a building that looks like a cross between a bank and a bowling alley. They sell things like macrame plant holders, or at least they have them hanging outside. I’ve never been inside.

 

You’ll drive over Big Creek, which was paved over before I can remember. 

 

Right about here the road gets wide.

 

The speed limit on this stretch is 55, but you won’t know that because the signs are pocked with bullet holes. Folks here have guns, and they don’t like the government telling them what to do. If you’ve ever been a summer intern at the Department of Health and Human Services you’d best keep that on the down-low.

 

I recommend you stop for gas at the station that says Last Stop Before the State Line. You’ve still got a ways to go. God help you if you drive an EV.

 

Since you can’t get radio reception you might check out the countryside. In the far distance you’ll see a mountain range that some people think looks like a sleeping princess. Whatever.

 

It’s all gravel from here on in.

 

Turn left where it looks like the entrance to a corn maze. That’s the main artery to my community. Head toward the water tower. My building is directly under it. Parking is free.

 

All the apartments look the same to the casual observer. Mine is painted off-white, although my neighbors say it’s dusty gray. To me, it’s more like yellow. Really it depends on the angle of the sun and time of year. Also, none of the apartments have numbers. I’ll be out back listening to music on my headphones, so knock violently and shout. Make sure you’re at the right apartment, because, as I said before, folks here have guns.

 

That’s all there is to it.

 

Please be prompt.