I Am a Raymour & Flanigan Couch, and I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Man

“Let’s cut right to the chase: J.D. Vance has not fucked a couch.” –The Cut, 7/24/24

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I want to take this opportunity to set the record straight. I am a Raymour & Flanigan couch, and I did not have sex with Republican Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance.

 

To be more specific, I am a Ashley Furniture Miravel Queen Sofa Sleeper. And although the rumors linking me with Mr. Vance are entirely false, insulting, and slanderous, I would like to use this newfound platform to speak on the brief encounter I did have with Mr. Vance in the summer of 2012.

 

Mr. Vance was moving into a new apartment in New Haven while he completed his law degree at Yale. He was looking for a sofa. This is where I came into the picture. I resided in Mr. Vance’s living room from May until early August, until Mr. Vance decided it would make more sense to just get a “few bean bag chairs.” That is a direct quote. Upon this realization, I was unceremoniously dumped on the side of the road, left to fend for myself on the streets of New Haven during one of the hottest summers on record.

 

But, I am not here to dig up the past or uncover old wounds. Relationships don’t always work out, and it was for the best that Mr. Vance and I went our separate ways. However, during my stay in his apartment, I became privy to a number of concerning views that Mr. Vance holds.

 

He does not like cats, women who own cats, or women. At Yale, he was once dumped by a girl who owned a cat. Trust me, I heard the entire conversation. His tears soaked my cushions. But secretly, I was happy she and her cat escaped. Although I hated that bitch. Not the girlfriend. The cat. Clawed the hell out of me. This seems to be the origin of his quote to Tucker Carlson that we are run “by a bunch of childless cat ladies.” Based on what I’ve seen on Facebook, his ex-girlfriend is very happy with all her cats and not him.

 

J.D. Vance is a chauvinist. He wholeheartedly believes that women should not be in positions of power. Furthermore, he believes that abortion should be illegal altogether. Even in cases of rape and incest. You don’t have to take political advice from a couch, but even I can tell that this is not a guy who should have access to our country’s highest political offices. I felt violated, and all he ever did was sit on me.

 

He opposes same-sex marriage. Which is ironic, considering that gay married men have fantastic taste in couches and J.D. Vance could stand to learn a thing or two about interior design (see “bean bag chairs” above). He has also said that people these days “shift spouses like they change their underwear.” Well, I know for a fact he did not change his underwear very often.

 

Mr. Vance believes that divorce is too easy. But that didn’t stop him from dropping me like Trump wishes he could right now. But he is the exception to his own rule. He has dangerous ideas surrounding marriage that would jeopardize the lives of domestic violence victims and children. If he thinks parents should stay together for the kids, why didn’t we stay together for the sake of the coffee table?

 

We did sleep together once or twice, but let the record show that I am a SLEEPER couch. Nothing happened. Get your mind out of the gutter and worry more about the future of our country.