originals

If the National Parks Responded to Real One-Star Reviews

by Lauren Modery

Diane F. from Mesa, AZ; review of Glacier: Worse trip I had. Yellowstone is so much better. This is just a lot of burnt areas and mountains. Very long uneventful day. Would really consider telling someone else to go spend 30. 

 

Dear Diane: Thanks for your review and breathtaking typos. Those burnt out areas are because YOU HUMAN MOTHER FUCKERS LIKE TO SET SHIT ON FIRE. We don’t want to be bald like your husband, Al. We want to be lush like the earth was before you humans overpopulated it.

 

P.S. We told Yellowstone what you said about us and they said you’re no longer welcome there. The next time you pull up to their gate, there’ll be a big sign that reads: “DIANE F. FROM MESA HATES MOUNTAINS AND IS CHEAP.” Yellowstone said they’ll have a pasta pass from Olive Garden waiting for you in exchange for never stepping foot in a national park again. 

 

Alexa R. from Buffalo, NY; review of Badlands: I didn’t see what the big deal was. We drove a million years to see some semi impressive rock formations? And there were RATTLESNAKES everywhere? Dumb. You lose cell service because you’re in Nowhere USA. The only thing bad about these lands is entire experience. Waste of time. Thank god I was drunk in the backseat for the majority of the trip. 



 

Dear Alexa: Thanks for noticing the large amount of rattlesnakes on our land. We purposely rounded up every rattlesnake we could find and released them in the Badlands to scare off visitors—particularly ones from Buffalo. We’ve found that people from NY become confused and frightened when west of the Mississippi River and we do our best to eliminate these weak humans from the planet. Sadly, it looks like you survived. Dumb.   

 

Penny M. from San Francisco, CA; review of Yosemite: Absolutely LOVE Yosemite …BUT a new policy has just been put in place, if you don’t have your ID with you, even if you’re a grandparent, you will not be served a glass of wine, no exceptions!!! This is beyond ridiculous and incredibly awkward, if we all complain, policies can be changed. 

 

Dear Penny: We’re sorry you weren’t able to get wasted around your grandkids at our park. We know how disappointing it is to be sober while traveling with 6 little shitheads who are pissed off their cell phones don’t work even though they’re standing next to a natural wonder. Believe us—if we were human and not public land for people to enjoy—we would get wasted because of your grandkids too.  

 

Jorbi P. from Somerville, MA; review of Grand Canyon: Whoopity do, Grand Canyon. You are a giant hole in the ground. You don’t have roller coasters or dippin’ dots. Jeeesh. Can you say “overrated?”

 

Dear Jorbi: Thanks for your review. If our 1,900-mile canyon is not adventurous enough for you, please, let us dangle your snively ass over the South Rim while you piss your pants and yell out for your mama. (Speaking of your mom, she called us and told us you’re a giant hole too.) BTW–Dippin’ Dots are for children who enjoy eating packing peanuts.

 

Mike J. from Lexington, KY; review of Great Smoky Mountains: Don’t waste your time spending money to go to any place around or in these mountains between May and August. It rains and he severe thunderstorms everyday and almost all of the day. At least at a beach it rains for 20 minutes and stops. This place is beautiful, but not a great trip due to crappy weather that plagues the area. Won’t be back ever again.

 

Dear Mike: We appreciate the review and will take into consideration THAT WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE FUCKING WEATHER. Hey, why can’t any of you spell or use proper grammar? We are land—physical land with zero education or even a brain—and we can write better than you humans. Enjoy being basic at the beach with your basic family and basic 2,000-calorie frozen margaritas and diarrhea seafood buffets.

Kahil G. form Bethesda, MD; review of Yellowstone: The problem with Yellowstone is that it’s dull. Yellowstone is on a caldera. A caldera is a volcano that blew up and left a crater. The dirt from this is of poor quality. The only tree that grows is this ugly thing called a lone pine. No flowers to speak of grow here. The last thing is once you see water come out of the ground once your good. 

 

Dear Kahil: We’re sorry our 2 million-year-old land is not exciting. You know we can explode at any time and wipe out the majority of America, right? Also, we have over 55 flowers and seven trees, and none of them are called a lone pine, dude. Where the hell did you even get that from? We’re starting to think you’re making shit up. Geysers that shoot water 100 feet in the air don’t impress you, Kahil? What does impress you? And don’t tell us Starbucks and hotel rooms with TVs because we’ve heard that shit before. If we had a fucking dime for every time a human said they missed their Starbucks and TVs, we wouldn’t have to ask you fuckers for $30 at the gate because your RVs and cigarettes and 10 children named Madison and Chad destroy our land. 

 

Steve D. from Las Vegas, NV; review of Zion: Been here 3 times and it’s the last. What a joke. I had to pull over 3 times on my bike to let the Californians get to work on time. What’s the hurry? To get to the next crowded view point? Can’t get to the Red lodge to get ice cream unless you have a red sticker or ride the trolley. WAY over rated. My guess is the people that love this place never get out much. 

 

Dear Steve: We’re sorry you won’t be visiting us anymore. Just kidding. We don’t give a shit. Can we ask you something? Why is that none of you can construct a goddamn sentence? And why is that you all love ice cream so much? And what Californians are you referring to? There are no Californians commuting to work through Zion National Park in Utah, Steve. Funny thing: The people who enjoy our park DO get out. They’re hiking and talking with fellow travelers and not bitching about imaginary Californians or lack of access to ice cream. If you’re looking for less crowds and more ice cream, check out the Dairy Queen off rt. 9.