Originals

I’m Benjamin Button and This is My Skincare Routine

by Elsa Nierenberg

Hi! Welcome to my skincare routine! I’m Benjamin Button and I’m about to teach you all of my tips and tricks to look younger, and better, starting right now—it’s that easy. Let’s get into it.

Step 1: Wash your face.

The best way to prep your pores, and ensure that your skin will stay hydrated and refreshed, is to wash your face. Try using a face wash like this one, from Clinique, or, like me, don’t even bother and just let time run its course. Either way, you’re sure to look spankin’ brand new in no time! And that’s the Benjamin Button guarantee.

Step 2: Exfoliate.



If you’re one of the select few, like me, who are unable to age in an appropriate direction, you’re going to want to get in on this ASAP. Using a gentle apricot-pit infused facial exfoliant or a fruit peel, scrub off all of your layers of tired, older skin to reveal a younger, more vibrant new you! This worked wonders for me, so I really have no idea why it’s not doing the same for you. Uh, scrub harder, maybe?

Step 3: Moisturize!

This step is superimportant—my grandma, who used to look, like 15 years younger than me, easy, always said, “moisturize, moisturize, moisturize”. And she’s right! I used moisturizer and ended up looking 20, 30, even 40 years younger than my age—it was a miracle! I recommend an anti-aging cream or a brightening lotion if you really want to erase the fine lines and wrinkles of time. If you find that this isn’t enough, use more of it. I promise, it’ll work out in 10 years or so when you’re 40 and look like a high schooler.

Step 4: Serum time!!

Vitamin C, E, A, whatever! I say if there’s a serum for it, put that bad boy on your face! One of the best ways to combat the inevitable aging, or, uh, anti-aging process is a skincare serum. Here’s one by Olay that boasts, “retinol and passionfruit extracts sure to reverse the appearance of wrinkles”. Let me tell you, they weren’t lying! Not only did my wrinkles lessen, they completely went away. I mean, you’ve really got to get in on this, it’s almost too good to be true. I’d be baffled if you didn’t see what I’m seeing here.

Step 5: Be born with an extremely rare condition allowing you to miraculously age backwards.

I guess one might say this is my ultimate beauty and skincare secret. With just the slow, monotonous passage of time you can actually improve the quality of your skin health like never before. Quite literally, I’ve never looked younger. Sure genetics play a role in it, but a lil’ bit of magic can take you so much farther! All you need to do is be born an old-man baby and then let time run its course—I’m telling you: this stuff works.

Step 6: Pass the time until you’ve aged back enough to get baby soft skin—ta-da!

Read a novel, move to Italy, have a baby you’ll eventually attend kindergarten with, really anything you can think of will work perfectly while that clock to flawless skin just ticks away. In no time, or, a lifetime, you’ll have baby soft skin. I swear by my patented anti-aging skincare routine. It worked for me, and now, rare condition pending, it can work for you too. Cheers!