I’ve Taken Temporary Custody of Liam Gallagher To Ensure the Oasis Tour Actually Happens

Despite what Liam Gallagher is yelling through a lightly locked door in this cabin in the woods, I did not kidnap him.

 

I only borrowed Liam Gallagher temporarily.

 

I’m simply keeping him away from his brother Noel Gallagher to ensure the Oasis tour happens.

 

Their Gen X fans need this reunion. This may be the last year we can stay awake late enough to go.

 

I’m trying to tell Liam Gallgher what I’m doing for him, for us. But he won’t stop shouting. Maybe he is actually doing vocal exercises to prepare for his tour? The way he combines profane words is definitely musical.

 

I wish he would stop calling me a kidnapper. That is a mischaracterization. He voluntarily got into my vehicle. Yes, I told him the record label sent me, but I was driving a dented 2019 Rav 4, and wearing plaid pajama bottoms. Some of this is on him.

 

Obviously, when a world famous rock star hops in your compact crossover willingly, it is not an abduction. He even slept all the way up here, after I gently applied a warm chloroform cloth to his face.

 

I’m hoping he’ll settle down and we’ll be able to hang out. I want to ask him about his quirky haircuts. I want to know what a Champagne Supernova is. I want to count how many times he can say fuck in 30 seconds. I thought we might even have a pillow fight, but he’s trying to bite me whenever I bring him food.

 

I’m trying to tell him his music transports Gen X back to life before toxic social media, adjustable mortgages, and insufficient retirement funds. I want him to know he was a vital part of the magical days when we bought things in cash, and burped up Goldschlager shots.

 

He doesn’t seem to care. I’ve never heard some of the words he is shouting. Liam Gallgher is so creatively talented he creates his own swears. Unfortunately, they are being hurled at me.

 

I bet he’ll soon realize I’m doing this for an entire generation of fans, and as is growing more obvious by the minute, for the safety of Noel Gallagher.

 

Maybe not. He is kicking a hole through the door. I guess he isn’t in the mood for the karaoke duets I planned.

 

His behavior, I mean behaviour, is uncalled for. I told him he is free to leave whenever he wants.

 

Except we have no cell signal, the Rav 4 is out of gas, and there is a blizzard outside.

 

So did I kidnap Liam Gallagher as he loudly alleges?

 

No.

 

I am simply a hero in the making, ensuring that Gen X gets to see one of the seminal bands of our youth again.

 

My peers will celebrate my genius. I will be lauded by their millions of fans. Oasis should share some profits with me.

 

Without my bold intervention, this tour might have been cancelled before it even started.

 

I’m a Wonderwall, and Liam Gallagher doesn’t appreciate me.

 

I bet Noel Gallagher does.