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CARTOON: Detective's Dilemma

Guess Who's Guilty? Today's cartoon by Chris Shorten.

Roku City’s Police Blotter

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

An Awkward Silence In The Car

I just hit that guy with my car, didn’t I? Oh my god. I just hit that guy and he flew over the guardrail and landed perfectly into the bed of a garbage truck going the other way. And I’m still driving!

I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

An Open Letter On Climate Change From Me, A Mobster…

So, guys in my rarefied profession don’t usually weigh in on the “news of the day.” But when an issue starts to affect my business? Something’s gotta get said. (And in case any made men just started makin’ in their pants? Exhale. I ain’t a rat. No names.) OK, here goes: We gotta do something to fight this Climate Change thing.

CARTOON: Frown Clown

Thats why your nose is so red. Today's cartoon by Scott Masear.

Columbo Gets a Tennis Lesson

Columbo: You know, I gotta thank you for clarifying. I’ve always been confused about how the whole scoring thing works. So does this mean, if I get no points when I’m not serving, my opponent has to call me “love” before they serve?

The Unspeakable Things I've Done for a Klondike Bar

A tempting talisman. It turns out the first thing I would do for a Klondike bar is to ask my mother, Cheryl, for one. But, the real question, it turns out, is what wouldn’t I do for a Klondike Bar?

CARTOON: Criminal Insurance

I'll make less of a mess. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?

Why have the police set up a command center on top of my Spiderman air hockey table?  No, I did not know a gravelly voice identifying himself only as The Sandman was calling every thirteen minutes. And I had no idea he was threatening my life if you didn’t acquiesce to his demand for a sculpture in his likeness made of gypsum sand and the blood of virgin stallions. Marianne, it was probably just some kid yanking your crank.      

CARTOON: Kitchen Confinement

Sticky fingers? Crime and grime? Wash your hands. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Pardon Me?

More Trump Pardons. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order

Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in…