Perhaps the most egregious offense of this whole debacle is that these sugar soups you call “beverages” are not even made with real pumpkin, just pumpkin flavoring. You need to understand that this is the equivalent of advertising a movie as starring Brad Pitt, when in reality it is just hostage footage of Kirk Cameron.

It was a bone-white cup, emblazoned with the emerald likeness of a mermaid. / And from it exuded a golden mist of cloves and nutmeg / And lust and decadence and beguilement.

The screenplay I’m writing in the middle of your store is far worse than any pornography I could be watching.