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A Letter from Someone Who Wants to Keep a Confederate Statue Up Solely Because That’s Where He Lost His Virginity

Once ol’ General Jackson is no longer standing in the park, where will I point to when I want to recount to people the greatest night of my life? How will I explain to my son where his old man received his first ever sloppy toppy?

When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teeth

We had a sweet relationship. You were the nicest first boyfriend a girl could ask for. You brought me coffee before class and taught me how to put air in my tires. In return, I gave you the most precious thing a girl has to offer: the eternal lotus flower of my immaculate virginity.