The Florin District School Board Update

Here at the Florin District School Board we have been continuing to listen to the concerns of teachers, parents, and students.

We know that last year’s decision to hold classes in the Fire Swamp was not well received. We will be the first to acknowledge that learning conditions in the Fire Swamp were not ideal.

In hindsight, Westley’s book, Surviving the Fire Swamps: Not Where You’d Want To Build A Summer Home, But The Trees Are Actually Quite Lovely, should have been mandatory reading not just for staff but for students as well.

It became apparent that our memo regarding the dangers of the Fire Swamp was either thrown out prior to being read or skimmed too quickly on too little sleep. As a result, there were far too many senseless and avoidable injuries caused by fire spurts, lightning sand, and R.O.U.S.es.

We apologize for giving false hope that the R.O.U.S.es could be domesticated as class pets. However, in keeping with our official defense statement in the ongoing trial, we maintain that those students would not have been mauled to the extent that they were had they followed our advice of carrying a sword or heavy branch for protection.

Now for much better news: we are pleased to announce that we will be welcoming students back to learning in the classroom.

Miracle Max’s COVID treatment has recently been approved for children 12 years and older. In addition to being safe and effective, his treatment has a chocolate coating which is not only delicious, it helps it go down easier!

Everyone is very excited to return to the classroom, but it will require some careful transitioning. Staff and students, regardless of whether or not they have received both doses of Miracle Max’s treatment, masks must be worn at all times while in the school. Please read Wesley’s new book Masks: They Protect More Than Just Your Identity. It seems Wesley was prophetic in his belief that, “everyone will be wearing [masks] in the future.” In time, we’re confident that you’ll also agree with him that masks are “terribly comfortable.”

If staff or students are feeling unwell it is imperative that they stay home. Nurse yourself back to health using Mr. Fezzik’s infamous regimen of vegetable barley soup and repeated alternating dunks of one’s head in hot and cold barrels of water. Do not return to school until you are symptom free.

If staff or students develop COVID-like symptoms while they are at school they will be sent to see Nurse Albino in the isolation room (unfortunately, still referred to by its previous name: The Pit of Despair).

In addition to being welcomed back by the returning staff from last year, students will also have the opportunity to meet our newest faculty members. Please join us in welcoming:

Mr. Miracle Max who will be teaching: Working For Noble Causes, The Big Difference Between Mostly Dead And All Dead, and Making Culinary Miracles: Perfecting The M.L.T.

Mr. Clergyman who will be teaching: Marriage: The Blessed Arrangement And Dream Within A Dream, The Importance Of Performing The Entire Marriage Ceremony, and Speech Impediments: Taking Things At Your Own Pace.

Ms. Ancient Booer who will be teaching: How To Project Your Voice For An Audience, Valuing True Love, and Expanding Your Lexicon (beginning with the many synonyms for Garbage).

Wishing you and your family a safe and – fingers crossed -Fire Swamp-free school year.

We look forward to seeing you soon!

Sincerely,

The Florin District School Board