At This Performance of “Hairspray”, the Role of Wilbur Turnblad Will Be Played by You, Get Up There

At this performance
The role of
WILBUR TURNBLAD
Will be played by
YOU
Get Up There

 

We’re not sure how
YOU
Were booked for the role of
WILBUR TURNBLAD
But it’s what our call sheet says

 

We are fully aware that
YOU
Are an
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Who came here with no intention of playing
WILBUR TURNBLAD
But like
I
Mentioned, it’s what our call sheet says

 

The call sheet is normally printed by
SHERI
But she’s out today, so
I
Can’t even ask
HER
To clarify

 

Surely
YOU
Must have some prior acting experience

 

I
Mean
YOU
Went to Carnegie Mellon, right?
Go
TARTANS

 

Please don’t ask why
WE
Know where
YOU
Went to undergrad
It’s also on the call sheet for some reason

 

Look,
I
Know that
WE
Are putting
YOU
In a funny position

 

But if there’s any way
YOU
Can just play
WILBUR TURNBLAD
For this matinee and also the evening performance
WE
Would be so appreciative

 

That’s right
I
Also have the evening cast list, and
YOU
Are on that one as well

 

Actually, sorry, it looks like for that performance
YOU
Will be playing the role of
HARRIMAN F. SPRITZER / PRINCIPAL

 

I
Guess that
YOU
Might be, like, a swing
For all the
MALE ROLES

 

Like
I
Said
SHERI
Is out today, so
I
Can’t ask
HER

 

Ok, it’s showtime
YOU
Need to get up there and play the role of
WILBUR TURNBLAD

 

MY HANDS
Are tied
The show starts in 8
MINUTES

 

Not sure why
MINUTES
Is being typed as a title

 

SHERI
Usually handles that too

 

I
Am trying my best

 

Ok, time for the show, thank
YOU
Again for doing this
You’re really saving
ME

 

By the way
I
Also went to Carnegie Mellon
That’s how I knew
THEIR
Mascot was the
TARTAN

 

Go
TARTANS