It’s Extremely Cold in This Abandoned School Biology Lab Ranch Doritos: I hear footsteps approaching as I write this by the light of an old Bunsen burner. I’m hiding this final press release inside a bag of our most crushable chips yet, with an unimaginable eπi times more “cool” flavor in each soul-effacing bite. (The secret ingredient was chalk!!!) To whoever finds this: tell my story! Tell them I fought to engineer the most snackalicious chips in the Snack-O-Verse while sounding the alarm on climate change. Tell them I was driven underground by Big Chip. Tell them I had nothing to do with the fire at the lab. And remember: coolness is a state of mind. So be cool to each other. And compost. I know it’s annoying because you need a third trashcan, but it makes a difference.