Coming Soon From the Makers of Capitalism: Plutocracy!
PLUTOCRACY! Government of the wealthy, by the wealthy, and for the wealthy!
Entries by Corey Pajka
Prominent World Leaders Who Are More Excited About the New Taylor Swift Album Weigh In on the Russia-Ukraine Conflict
Russian President Vladimir Putin: NATO membership for Ukraine is a non-starter! It must be taken off the table if these talks are to gain any traction. Like the legions of Swifties who proactively took to social media to defend their savior against even the slightest of negative reviews for The Tortured Poets Department, we will tolerate no dissent!
It’s Not You, It’s the Fact That We Now Have a Reality Show on TLC
Honey, do you mind if we talk? Preferably out of the view of this camera crew that’s been following us everywhere the past three months (i.e. ninety days)? We’re on episode four of this unexpected detour in our relationship, and I’m feeling a little exposed.
“I Thought It Would Be Easier for You to Drop Everything and Cater to My Needs” – An Impromptu, Unnecessary Desk-Side Check-in With Your Co-worker
Let’s go over it now while I hover on the wall of your cubicle like a carrion bird with eyes trained on its next meal. Sound good? No? Super!
WordleBot Here, and Your Gameplay Analysis Has Me a Little Concerned
You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.
How Not to Come to Terms with Your Unread Books in Twenty-Five Steps
1) Most were purchased at your local independent bookstore. Take pride that you’ve supported a small business during a pandemic. Remind self that store is currently doing fine, and no more books are needed for now. 2) See books you bought Tuesday and Wednesday. Realize you should have written out step one on Monday…
Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States
Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!