What Might Be Hiding Inside Drake’s Massive Ice Sculpture
Mr. Beast, a bewildered penguin, and Vanilla Ice. And more!
Entries by Nicole Chrolavicius
I’m the Mona Lisa, and I Demand to be Repainted as the Sexpot That I Am
When I sat for the portrait, I was dressed in a bright pink halter top revealing a heaving cleavage while holding my yellow pet cockatoo to showcase my playful side. I recently got a spray tan, had my teeth whitened to near-neon, and had my hair straightened and layered professionally. I’d just finished doing fifty push-ups so that my triceps would look ripped. I was ready to be the muse.
When We Bombed Iran, We Totally 100% Meant to Make Oil More Expensive
When we bombed Iran, we totally 100% planned to make oil more expensive, thereby allowing more Russian oil to enter the market, so Putin can further bomb Ukraine. We encourage everyone everywhere to bomb their way to peace.
You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Paaaaaaaaarty, If You Are Director of the FBI
Okay, I admit, I was doing a little work this time. As the person responsible for overseeing major crimes investigations, and as someone who takes that important job extremely seriously, I was investigating a serious crime in that locker room. A Beer Crime!
Bloodletting, Leeches and Carbolic Smoke Balls – Who Says the Cure is Worse than the Disease?
Lobotomy – A surgical procedure which severs connections in the brain’s prefrontal cortex to cure psychological or neurological disorders. In other words, mess with the infinite complexity of the human brain in some rudimentary way and hope for the best. Sounds like a plan!
Other Gifts That Only Stupid People Would Turn Down, Besides a Jet From Qatar
A gift horse whose mouth you promise you will not look into even though you are really curious.