While Mr. Krueger claims to be open to continuing talks to stop this horror, Jenny from tenth-grade chemistry reported that her lab partner was found impaled this morning after nodding off in class. His body was found stuck to the ceiling. Mr. Krueger has not claimed responsibility for this latest victim but sources report that his initials were carved into the wall at the crime scene.
A Vote-for-Us Rewards Program: You sign up for our vote rewards program by giving us your vote in exchange for the promise of cash. However, the cash is not your reward. Your reward is a Republican political victory. Besides, did you really think we would be sending you money through the mail in order to make good on this promise? That would make us use the very postal system that we are trying to ban you from using in order to vote. Not gonna happen.
I’m not even worth the paper I am printed on (which is particularly true given that, in this outfit, I am made of fine, hand-woven silk). The lowly one-dollar bill should not have to shoulder the symbolism of late-stage capitalism and the evils it supports. I’m practically worthless these days.
Mr. Beast, a bewildered penguin, and Vanilla Ice. And more!
When I sat for the portrait, I was dressed in a bright pink halter top revealing a heaving cleavage while holding my yellow pet cockatoo to showcase my playful side. I recently got a spray tan, had my teeth whitened to near-neon, and had my hair straightened and layered professionally. I’d just finished doing fifty push-ups so that my triceps would look ripped. I was ready to be the muse.
When we bombed Iran, we totally 100% planned to make oil more expensive, thereby allowing more Russian oil to enter the market, so Putin can further bomb Ukraine. We encourage everyone everywhere to bomb their way to peace.
Okay, I admit, I was doing a little work this time. As the person responsible for overseeing major crimes investigations, and as someone who takes that important job extremely seriously, I was investigating a serious crime in that locker room. A Beer Crime!
Lobotomy – A surgical procedure which severs connections in the brain’s prefrontal cortex to cure psychological or neurological disorders. In other words, mess with the infinite complexity of the human brain in some rudimentary way and hope for the best. Sounds like a plan!
A gift horse whose mouth you promise you will not look into even though you are really curious.