#MeatyMetalBands

AC/Greasy, Beef Richards, Motley Stew, and more #MeatyMetalsBands on this week's trending joke game!

I’m Your First Sunburn of the Season, And For The Next Month I Own Your Ass

Are you stressed out at the thought of my presence? Bam! I have now resulted in sunburn blisters, popping up on top of the already overexposed flesh and leftover skin. I’m on the top of your shoulders, the back of your ribcage, I'm everywhere. I’m Beetlejuice 2.0. How do you like me now?

Jerry Seinfeld Asks, "What's The Deal With Masculinity?"

Men used to settle arguments with a duel to the death. They would pull out their pistols and see who could kill the other one first. Nowadays, the way men deal with conflict is by talking to each other. Have you seen this? They actually talk and listen and debate with one another. It's obscene -- go get a room!

QUIZ: Disney World EPCOT Center Pavilion Country or Country Felon Trump Banned From Visiting 

It's getting to be a smaller and smaller world after all! Take the quiz!

In the Future, Everyone Will Sound Like Chris Pratt

In the future, your phone, your car, and your talking sex machine, will all speak to you in the tender-yet-bro-ish tones of Chris Pratt. Every syllable of every language will be recorded meticulously by Pratt allowing AI developers to design models of Chris Pratt’s voice for limitless uses around the globe.

Didn't Make It Into The 27 Club? There’s Still Time To Be an Icon 

“The Apostles 33” That’s right. Thirty-three, AKA The Jesus Age. Dying at 33 could mean one of two things: 1) you’re a nepo-baby whose father’s fame gave you some perks and entitlement that ultimately got you into trouble in the end. The proof of this continues with Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, daughter-in-law of John F. Kennedy, who tragically passed away in a private plane crash at this age. The second thing this could mean is that you are fucking hilarious. The curtain closed during Act 33 for comedy geniuses John Belushi and Chris Farley, so if you’re 33 with an elite sense of humor I would consider it a full-on hex the next time someone comments “Dead.” on your funny Tik Tok.

#CrappyCopShows

Plop Rock, The Rockford Piles, NYPD Poo, and more #CrappyCopShows on this week’s trending joke game!

Ways to Stop Your Therapist from Blackmailing You - Excerpt from 'LIFE WANTS YOU DEAD'

Go to a deaf shrink, and grow bangs over your mouth. Hair is a shield that comes out of your head for free! If you can’t find a hearing-impaired therapist in your network, pick one with good ears and fire Civil War cannons next to their head for six years. For added security, headbang dandruff into their eyes.

More Bluey for You-y

Doggie Style: Bluey and Bingo get into trouble when they advertise a fashion shop they’re setting up in their backyard.

Double Jeopardy Latte and 14 other Flavors from Rudy Giuliani’s New Designer Coffee Company

KKKona, Grounds Zero, Mister Cofeve, and more!

Your Partner's Complaints About Popular Sex Toys 

Anal Bee's: I have since discovered that this should have been "anal beads" rather than "anal bees".    The former sounds pretty nice, actually.  Don't make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that's all I'm saying. 

UPDATE: I Am Still Really Pissed Off At Marie Kondo

I know you advocate downsizing as the path to joy. Then you will be happy to know, I am currently living above my friend Mark’s garage, sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Please note there is no clutter on the nightstand. There is no nightstand.

#CandyACanine

Butterscottie, German Chocolate Shepherd, Yorkie Peppermint Patty, and more #CandyACanine on this week's trending joke game!

Did Bigfoot Storm the Capitol on January 6?

By far the most famous Cryptid, Bigfoot was not present. The elusive creature was at his home in northeast Oregon watching coverage on CNN powered by his solar panels and water turbine. The staunch environmentalist has declared his support for Joe Biden in the upcoming election claiming Trump’s push for “oil, sweet oil” as a motive. This tracks with his record as in the 2020 Democratic Primary, he canvassed in Iowa for Washington Governor Jay Inslee.

Yes, I Am the Personal Chef Included With Your Luxury Airbnb, but for the Umpteenth Time, Go Microwave Your Own Damn Hot Pockets

This refusal to microwave your damn Hot Pockets has nothing to do with the fact that I understand that part of my gig means providing execrable comfort food to horde after cretinous horde of gold-plated, silver-spooned, lead-palated philistines like you.

The Campus Is a Shit Show, but We Planned a Terrific Alumni Weekend!

11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) - …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward.

We Are Fixing the Fixing of the School Bus Situation

As we wind down this academic year, we reflect how we’ve overcome – maybe how we’ve thrived – since our opening day in August and “The Incident.” In case you don’t recall, The Incident, simply put, was the failing of the newly implemented Washburn County Public School Bus pickups and drop offs on the first day of school, August 9th...

I’m the Bear from the Woods, and Bumble Wants Me to Be Their New CEO

Unless you’ve been living in a hole in the ground, you’ve probably already heard of me. I’m the Bear that a majority of women say they would rather encounter in the woods than a human man. (Unrelated: I actually do live in a hole in the ground.)

The 2024 University of Phoenix Valedictorian Speech, Presented By Draft Kings

My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I’m honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. I am excited for us to leave this Zoom meeting with our heads held high, knowing that we are the next generation of thinkers and doers. 

#GoryGameshows

Pusword, Slash Cab, The NewlyBled Game, and more #GoryGameshows on this week's trending joke game!

Confused About “Clowning” and “Soft-Clowning?” You’re Not Alone

Soft-clowning: One of the most beautiful aspects of the clowning community is its open-minded approach to different degrees of expression. Soft-clowning refers to clowns who skip the complete outfit in favor of simpler get-ups: only a sponge nose, say, or partial clown makeup, to prevent mess.  

Lesser-Known Precursors to Famous Musical Performances

June 1, 1980: Babbling Toddler Bites Head Off Batman Action Figure During “Happy Birthday”

Classic Works of Literature Updated for Gen Z

Alice's Activism in Wonderland: Upon witnessing the Red Queen’s abuse of capital punishment, Alice’s disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, “colorblind” head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar’s level with some solid smoke.

Modern Day School Absence Excuses

"Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies." "Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library." "Militia meeting ran late." And more!

#RobotMeds

R2-CBD2, A.I.-llegra, Robotussin Cop, and more #RobotMeds on this week's trending joke game!

Increasingly Specific Metaphors for Life

Life is an orgy and I wasn’t really invited, but showed up anyway.

Team Trump Online Memes Updates

Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla?  Imagine Prez Trump’s head over Godzilla’s as he stomps through town screaming “MAGA” or “Sleepy Joe!” (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous into members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). I think we can use video from January 6th.  There’s a lot of footage there.

Conditions Under Which I Am Willing to Babysit

The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let’s say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things.

Poople Magazine

100 Most Beautiful Poops, Plus 65 more Celeb BM's, Holy Sh%T! The Pope talks poop with Poople! Dropping A Deuce With Bruce; See Why He's Called The Boss, Yes Rock, We Smell What You're Cooking! Skid Marks The Spot! Name The Celebrity Based On Their Soiled Underpants. And more in this issue of Poople Magazine!

Surprising Facts from My 23andMe Results 

Ancestry  Southern European – 62.3%  Northwestern European – 29.3%  Sub-Saharan African – 0.4%  Self-esteem – <0.1%  Butter – 1 cup 

I Demand a Cuter Axolotl

This axolotl is a Ralph at best. It is not cute, charming, beautiful, quirky, or hot. It’s frankly got a certain Nicolas Cageyness about it, which is a real party foul in amphibian-based daddyvlogging.

#CarnalCars

Sexus, Fordnication, Mazda 3some, and more #CarnalCars on this week's trending joke game!

The Best Bang For Your Buck

Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! And more in this list by Meg Reid illustrated by Katy Maiolatesi.

I Had Hope For Humanity, Until I Read My NextDoor Feed

Nelson- Oak Meadow • 3 days ago: This may seem a little random, but does anyone have any spare uranium?  My package delivery was looted by porch pirates.  My reactor will be ready to go online on Thursday and I'm short about 50 kilos. Rod - Chatsworth Palmer: My buddy might have plutonium. He used to work at the DOE. Will that work?

So You’ve Decided to Buy a Chainsaw at Your Age 

CHAINSAWS ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS! We know that you’ve got a whole workbench and set of tools in the garage that you’re finally getting around to using because you realize the cost of hiring professionals is outlandishly expensive.

Excerpts from the Episode of SNL Hosted by COVID-19

Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, “And, hell, that good for ol’ Ozempic.”

#HistorySitcoms

War of the Roseannes, My Name Is Earl Of Sandwich, Cybil War, and more #HistorySitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Other Trump Stories Killed By The National Enquirer

Trump Takes Pet Rock To Baseball Game Instead Of Eric, Ranch Dressing Fountains Placed Into Trump Apartment Bathrooms, And more!

LIST: Old Bands

Rage Against the CPAP Machine, The Villages People, The Bald Eagles, and more!

10 Ways to Play Off Your Bloody Nose During a Work Meeting

Hold your coffee mug up to your mouth as though you're taking a sip and leave it there until it either fills up or the meeting ends.

FAQ About How to Make This Your Best Seder Yet, So Long As No One Brings Up Israel

Q: If you had one piece of advice for making a great Seder, what would it be? A: Dude, it’s in the title. Don’t bring up Israel.

Product Name Pitches For The New Team USA Women’s Olympic Uniform

Lady Liberty Labia Lance, Beaver Balance Beam, USA FUPA Finder, and more!

Why Are The Trump Jurors Being Excused?

Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. And more!

15 Fascinating German Words With Imagined English Translations

Draoug (noun) - One handful of beer. Könbleiben (noun) - The realization that you no longer fit into your lederhosen due to one too many draougen. And more!

#FuturisticFastFood

KFC3-PO, VRby's, Cyberger King, and more #FuturisticFastFood on this week's trending joke game!

Donald Trump’s Totally Untrue and Fabricated Random Acts of Kindness

I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn’t drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. “Mind if I give it a shot?” It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, “It’s going to be okay, sweet one.”

Sir David Attenborough Narrates a Collaborative Google Doc

As dusk settles on a long day, a unique gathering commences. Nowhere in the world is more alive with energy than this place we visit today: the collaborative Google doc. And here, in this remote corner of the mighty internet, life thrives as an ecosystem of fauna commingles on the evening before a big client presentation.

Who Gets What in the Divorce of America

MAGA gets: Wal Mart  Everyone else gets: Target // MAGA gets:  Book burning. Everyone else gets:  Burning carbs. And more!

The Harkonnen Family Holiday Letter - Year 10191 AG

Dear Family and Frenemies, We hope that you, like us, have had a wonderfully miserable holiday season. This year we have counted myriad blessings, unique new forms of torture, and many fulfilling career developments in the descendants of my bloodline.

2024 Coachella Act or Cancelled Netflix Series

Snowflake Mountain, Jessica Jones, Burna Boy, and more!

#FrugalFairyTales

Refundzel, Chicken Little Tipper, Only Hansel, and more #FrugalFairyTales on this week's trending joke game!

I’m A Bath–This Election Season, Help Me Defeat April Showers As The Primary Bathing Method

Look at yourself in the mirror. There’s pubic hair everywhere, there’s black mold in the grout, and the water’s rising because of a clog. You deserve a better kind of body bathing during the month of April. You need…a bath.

By Doing Whatever We Ask, You Agree to Our Terms

By not agreeing to our terms, you agree to our terms. By clicking this box without reading our terms, you admit to being a first-class liar. And more!

Other New Additions To Trump's Bible

Several books in this version of the Bible are presented Mad Libs style. Many more bits featuring Jesus hanging out with prostitutes. The Ten Commandments now officially designated as "fake news". And more!

Pros and Cons of Becoming a Vampire 

Pro: Will have a reason to start a gang and call ourselves “The Lost Girls.” Con: Will have to keep explaining the connection to the 1987 film “The Lost Boys” featuring Kiefer Sutherland.

#SpringASpaceMovie

Allergies Not Included, Battlefield Earth Day, Tax Return of the Jedi, and more #SpringASpaceMovie on this week's trending joke game!

Are My Symptoms Seasonal Allergies…Or?

Is it...Measles, Shingles, Bubonic Plague, Justinian Plague (making a comeback) Or more!

A Letter from Someone Who Wants to Keep a Confederate Statue Up Solely Because That’s Where He Lost His Virginity

Once ol’ General Jackson is no longer standing in the park, where will I point to when I want to recount to people the greatest night of my life? How will I explain to my son where his old man received his first ever sloppy toppy?

Your New iPhone with AiOS

The Health app becomes overly concerned about your well-being and starts diagnosing you with rare diseases based on your daily step count. And more!

News Briefs: Employees Of Weed Shop Keep Forgetting To Charge Customers

PLUS: Shower Head Feels Weird About Relationship With Female Owner Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife's Christmas Presents, Laptop Computer Not Crazy About Sitting On Man's Crotch During Late Night Porno Surfing Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

How to Do the Monkey Bars as an Adult

In adulthood, the monkey bars become a rare and mythical concept. Like a unicorn, or a pickleback shot you don’t immediately regret. But if you’re like me, you’re either looking to recapture a shred of your childlike innocence, or you’re seeking revenge against Amelia, who beat you in the monkey bars contest in 3rd grade. Here are a few things you should consider.

Inside Sedition and 8 Other Potential Ronna McDaniel’s Fox News Shows

Inside Sedition, Fox and No Friends, Big Steal or No Big Steal, and more!

#FartyFish

Northern Red Crapper, Halibutt, Barratoota, and more #FartyFish on this week's trending joke game!

Everything I Remember

As I handle mementos around my house, they bring up recollections from many years ago. The movie-ticket stub that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The program from a play that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The public garbage can that I carried home in case anything else interesting was in there. Now I use it to store my mementos.

Conversations Between a Woman and the Dog She's Unknowingly Dating on 'Love Is Blind'

KELSIE R.: Babe! OMG that is so great you feel the same way! I’ve had no luck in the past and 100% of the guys I’ve dated have cheated on me. But you get me, and I know just by talking to you that you’d never stray. I’m getting loyal vibes! Maverick, I think–no I know–I’m falling in love with you. And you don’t have to say it back. I know it’s soon. [MAVERICK lifts his leg and pees in a plant.]

AITA for Creating a Universe Without Any Proof of My Existence and Then Punishing People for All Eternity if They Don’t Believe In Me?

My son (32M) and I have been arguing about this for ages. He says it’s unfair of me to require total unwavering belief without offering the slightest shred of evidence that I exist. I say he needs to stop blaming ME for other people’s suffering, despite the fact that I control the past, present, and future, that my will is all-encompassing, and that my plan cannot be deviated from.  

The Inner Monologue of a Cyclist in a City

What is with the bike bell being a faint trill? Why don’t bikes have louder horns? Bicycles are already small enough! How is a bus going to hear me if I’m coming? Who decided to give bigger vehicles bigger horns? Shouldn’t smaller vehicles have the louder horns? If people can’t see us coming, at least they can hear us. Who makes these decisions? How do I find them? It’s like nobody really cares about us cyclists.

I’m the Understudy to the “Maps” App, and Tonight Could Be My Night

Wake up, me! Stop dreaming and look alive! This is my moment. I see Them, their gloved fingers a crescendo of taps on the buttons above me, entering those precious numbers and letters that bring me to life, infused with the joy of guiding others to their sacred destination.

#FuriousFlowers

Slapdragons, Black and Blue Eyed Susan, Killy, and more #FuriousFlowers on this week's trending joke game!

Tips for Planning the Wedding of Your Nightmares After Realizing the Wedding of Your Dreams Is Too Expensive

Embrace a mismatched bridal party: Speaking of crafts, get creative and your bridesmaids won’t have to don the same stuffy overpriced ensemble. Let them wear whatever they want. Better yet, let them decorate a potato sack however they want. They’ll thank you for a look they can actually rewear. The versatility of a potato sack is unmatched.

Flight 74 Is Now Boarding Passengers Who Are Better Than You

Next we’d like to invite military personnel to board.  We’ll start with our active duty service members.  No one?  Okay, we’ll move on to veterans of the four main branches.  Only two people?  In that case, we’ll open it up to the Coast Guard, January 6 insurrectionists, and veterans of the War on Drugs, War on Women, and War on Christmas.  Thank you for your service!

A Look Back at VICE’s Most Influential Stories

We Tracked Down a Nigerian Prince Email Scam and Now We Own a Timeshare in Albany. And more!

Jack Skellington Opens The St. Patrick's Day Town Door

There's Guinness everywhere / What's this? / There's corned beef in the air. / What's this? / I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming / Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair / What's this?

Forget St. Patrick, Get Drunk for Brigid

I get it. You like to drink. Patrick is your fun guy, the divorced* dad who lets you do anything you please at weekends. And you think because I am a consecrated virgin, I’m no fun? I turned water into beer, you half-wits! You want to dye your beer and your rivers green for that preening jackass, go right ahead, but turning beer into green beer looks pretty weak compared with turning regular H2O into fun juice, you ask me.

#KittyCocktails

Whisker Sour, Bloody Meowy, Meowgarita, and more #KittyCocktails on this week's trending joke game!

Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table

Dave the Unicorn:   Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes?   Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot:   Well hang on for a second.   Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times?   What the hell is that?    When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.

Caesar Ignores the Signs

CALPURNIA: Husband, please. I had a premonition—your statue drenched in blood. CAESAR: The blood of my enemies, no doubt! Thank you, that’s a nice confidence-booster.

Some Totally Normal Thoughts I Had After Getting Pooped on by a Bird

Just a little poop on my jacket, it’ll wash right off. These…

I’m Your Middle-Grade School’s Substitute Librarian Today. Call Me Reacher.

You, don’t tilt back in that chair. I can see you haven’t been trained to execute that maneuver without injury—and right on cue, we’ve got a man down. Kid, you dropped faster than your reading scores on the last state test. But it’s just blood, so stop howling. You don’t need stitches. There’s some Superglue right here. 

Rockstars' Flirtations *

You are the sun, I am the moon. You are the words, I am the tune. Play me. –Neil Diamond

I’m Katie Britt’s Kitchen Table, and Let Me Tell You – This Bitch Is Crazy

Well, well, well, it seems I’ve finally gotten my 17ish minutes of fame, hovering juuuust at the bottom of the frame while ol’ Mama Bear vocal-fried up a hot platter of American Carnage Lite for the public. And let me tell you, as the surface upon which Katie has served that dinner she worries about at 2am for longer than I like to admit: what you all saw tonight is just the tip of the straitjacket. 

We Are Women Fetuses, and We Are Pro-Choice

As a unified coalition of unborn women who possess all the rights of legal personhood, we stand together to advocate for the reproductive freedom of our already-born sisters, whose legal rights are not as protected as our own.

MAGAts- Your Guide To Trump Loving Right Wing Extremists

Tessie Tickles: Host of the right wing podcast Tessie Gets Messy, which is less a talk show than a series of racist and /or homophobic diatribes.    So kind of like FOX News if it were broadcast from the poorly lit back porch of a lime green trailer. 

A Resume and Cover Letter for a Seat Filler at the Oscars

When I came upon the role of Seat Filler at your company, I was immediately intrigued. Ever since I was a child, I knew that Seat Filling was what I wanted to do with my life. Growing up, every chance I got to sit, I did. Before I could even walk, I was sitting.

#PsychoSciFiMovies

Prison Wall-E, Slash Gordon, The Day the Earth Stood-offish, and more #PsychoSciFiMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Why Nikki Haley Is Only “Suspending” Her Campaign for President

She has 91 less criminal charges than Trump does. If by some miracle one of them actually lands him in jail she might then become the front runner. And more!

Here Are The Oscar Favorites. No, Not Those — Our Favorite People Named Oscar

PROJECTED WINNER… Oscar Mayer! This by virtue of being the only nominee to own a wiener-shaped car. (Before you fire off your angry rebuttals, Oscar Wilde merely leased one for six months in 1894).

This New York City Apartment Is Perfect. The Only Drawback Is the Coat Closet That’s a Direct Portal to the Ninth Circle of Hell

Tom is a spirit with bat wings and a tail, condemned to a cell that just so happens to be 12-stories directly below this Park Slope apartment’s coat closet. Tom is eternally on fire. He is also the love of my life.

GOPlayer One Go!

CPAC-Man: You're CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention.    Keep an eye out for those guys, they're sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game!    Ah, who're we kidding?   No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway.   This game has endless lives.

Tips for Eating Out

Making Healthy Choices: DO order your salad dressing on the side / DON’T order your salad dressing in a bowl with a straw

Children’s Programming For Drugged Out Parents

The Flintstoned, Sesame Tweak, Barney the Purple Haze Dinosaur, and more!

Soaring Surge Pricing That We Don’t Want to See

When you hit the last few pages of that best-selling mystery that you’ve downloaded to your Kindle. And more!

#BreakfastABook

Anne of Green Bagels, Griddle Women, 50 Shades of Gravy, and more #BreakfastABook on this week's trending joke game!

Other Oxymoronic Wellness Regimens to Add to Your ‘Power Nap’ 

Beer Yoga: Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can’t find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brown bag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t be chill with that.

At Netflix, We’re Taking Product Placement to the Next Level with New Film’s All-Beverage Cast

Dunkin’ Iced Coffee:  Quippy tech guru PRIME Energy: Sadistic but easily dispatched henchman La Croix (Pamplemousse flavor):  Self-conscious artist making film within a film, and more!

Laffy Taffy Jokes For Adults

Why did the fisherman's wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to finally have an oar-gasm!

Statistics I’ve Shared Right Before Being Told 'Let's Agree to Disagree'

Jordan: Did you hear Chris say you can compost human waste if you do it right?—I’ve known the guy my whole life and have never seen him take an interest in shit. Me: Well, it’s a sad truth that “only 24% of people in major cities know all or most of their neighbors,” Pew Research. And don’t you and Chris have to take two trains to see each other? Means you’re essentially strangers.

I’m a Third Grade Teacher, and I’m Quitting to Make Some Real Money Collecting Cans By the Side of the Highway

But why am I quitting being a teacher?  Well, here:  Each aluminum can here in Michigan is ten cents.  None of the cans scream at me or force themselves to puke to get out of reading Because of Winn-Dixie. 

#CelebACereal

Honey Boo Boo Bunches of Oats, Cookie Crispin Glover, Frosted Drakes, and more #CelebACereal on this week's trending joke game!

Different Office Door Positions and How to Interpret Them

I’m desperate to brand myself as the ‘fun’ coworker. Is it working?!?!

Palm-Reading Performed by Amazon One During Checkout at Whole Foods

Great fortune awaits you. As a prime member, you will experience a huge cash savings, which will simultaneously boost your bank account and inspire more impulsive purchasing on Amazon.

OnlyFans Profiles That You May Have Missed...

ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he's had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four.    Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.

How To Get Your Rock Band To Hit It Big, Without Getting Better

Crowd Surf: This may not strike you as the best idea when you’re playing at the community teen center in front of a sparse audience of 8th graders with the upper body physiques of Beavis and Butt-Head. Don’t worry. Go ahead and jump, and immediately join the ranks of Bruce Springsteen and Iggy Pop.

#RottonRomComs

While You Were Seeping, Moonstunk, Broadcast Ooze, and more #RottonRomComs on this week's trending joke game!

Countdown to Valentine's

These movies, they’re just not how people behave.  How do you have women throwing away a committed relationship because of some “Meet-cute” scene in a small town?

If Jesus Is Going to Take the Wheel, Here’s Some Other Things I’d Like Him to Take

Jesus, Take My Taxes: If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I’d also like him to take my taxes. He doesn’t even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don’t have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

You Want Me To Talk? What’s Next, I Gotta Sing And Dance?

You want me to “talk?” What’s next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh?

Men's Stealth Magazine

Maintaining Your Core, But Not Your Core Values, Avoiding Commitment One Swipe at a Time, Running Away From Your Latest? (Don't Forget To Count Your Steps!) and more in this issue of Men's Stealth!

How Nikki Haley Could Revive Her Failing Presidential Campaign

How did it happen, America? The 2024 presidential election is getting closer and closer, and somehow, the presumptive nominees are the same two melted goblins who ran against each other in 2020. WE HAD FOUR YEARS TO FIND BETTER PEOPLE! AND WE STILL DIDN'T DO IT!

A Swiftie Guide For NFL Fans & A Super Bowl Fan Guide For Swifties

Remember, the Swiftie is not here for football. The Swiftie is here for Taylor. Taylor is also not here for football. She is here for her latest flame, Travis Kelce. Travis is here for the Kansas City Chiefs. And by the transitive property, the Swifties are here for the Kansas City Chiefs. This is the nightmare we’re in, people. Apologies for the light math.

#CheeseAn80sMovie

Fondue the Right Thing, Gouda Morning Vietnam, Brie Amigos, and more #CheeseAn80sMovie on this week's trending joke game!

Zillow Listings for Literary Properties

Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice) Half of Derbyshire, England- $150,000,000: This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow “handsome”. With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is responsible for evicting the property’s resident squatter (a Mr. Wickham).

Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks

Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers' peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road.

Various Other GOP Conspiracy Theories About Taylor Swift

The Swifties are cloned from a single teenage girl who traveled to our time from Jan 6th, 7008.    On this date in the future, the 28,532nd insurrection against the capital was attempted by TrumpBot and his legion of mutant followers.    In desperation, members of the non-mutant community sent this teenage girl back in time to influence the early actions of the future President Swift.

Millennials Are Doing Fine Which is Why We Are Tweeting Cries For Help at Sesame Street Characters

So yeah, we are all doing really well.  What is less indicative of trauma than collectively regressing to an almost childlike state to desperately seek solace in that which comforted us in our youth? As for me personally, I'll be even better as soon as Bert and Ernie answer the 117 posts I’ve made since yesterday begging them to adopt me as an adult...

Song Titles From Ben Shapiro’s Forthcoming Rap Album Am I Cool Now

With songs like “I Like Rap Now (But Not Black People)” “America Is Racist (Against White Men)” “I Am 40 Years Old and Scared of the Dark” And more!

#DogSitcoms

The Howlmooners, Barks and Recreation, Fleas Company, and more #DogSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Chip Happens: Unexpected Neuralink Side Effects

You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep.

I’m a Horse, and I Never Asked to Be Anyone’s Therapist

Riding me is one thing, but when people want to disclose their most depraved thoughts I’m like, “Whoa whoa whoa! Maybe we should get to know each other a bit first!”

How to Escape From Prison

Dig. This is the tried and true method. An American classic. All you need is a spoon, some elbow grease and a heart full of dreams. Be careful as this method can create a lot of noise and if your digging wakes up the warden he will become very upset. Prison wardens are famously grouchy when they don’t get their beauty sleep.

News Briefs: God Seriously Considering Starting Over Again With Human Race

PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

#Live Tweeting the Wait Line for Slinky Dog Roller Coaster

Things are moving now!  We just moved up 5 places!  Oh, wait, it seems a family ahead of us passed out and are being removed from the line.  Still, we’re moving up!

How Americans Drank Water Before The Stanley Cup: A Timeline Across Decades 

1960s: Americans too busy smoking cigarettes to drink water. Think about it– unless you had two mouths, you couldn’t do both at the same time. Doctors were more concerned with people smoking the right brand of cancer sticks to curb their dessert appetite after dinner than letting folks in on the benefits of drinking a glass of simple H20.

Rude Celebrity Encounters

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. He was so rude when he walked into his mansion the night I broke in and passed out on the living room couch. Hey, I was drunk, you know? You’d think the guy could relate. He told me to get the hell out of his house before he called the police. Didn’t even add a “please.” The nerve of that guy.

#FrostyFantasy

StarSleet Academy, Excaliburrrrrrrrrgh!, The Blizzard of Oz, and more #FrostyFantasy on this week's trending joke game!

6 Bosses You Need to Defeat to Get into a Manhattan Rooftop Bar

The Coat Man: When I made it up the glass stairs and saw The Coat Man glaring at my attire, I thought that I had accidentally peed myself. I soon realized that his look of disgust aimed at my lower half was because I had dared to wear jeans to this outing.

Genies Reveal, Most Unsettling Wishes Ever Granted

Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. And more!

Girl Scout Cookie or 1960s Businessman’s Nickname for His Secretary?

Savannah Smiles, Little Brownie, Thin Mint, and more!

If Men Talked About Their More Successful Wives the Way Women Talk About Their Incredibly Average Husbands

We matched on Hinge. He didn’t message me for two weeks, so obviously I was super intrigued. We started talking, and I found out he’s an accountant who failed high school algebra three times.

#TitillateATVShow

69 Minutes, 30 Rock Hard, Everybody does Raymond, and more #TitillateATVShow on this week's trending joke game!

How Ron DeSantis Will Spend All His New Free Time, Now That He’s No Longer Running for President

Collecting all the Hummel figurines that openly carry a gun. Chainsaw sculpting, carving life-size statues of Samuel Alito. And more!

Beauty Tips for Attracting a Republican Man

Go blonde. No, blonder. This one should be obvious, but we’re gonna go full Patrick Bateman on you here because we cannot stress “blonde” enough. Even if you’re one of God’s chosen few who possess natural blonde locks, you could still probably use the assistance of dye. There’s no such thing as too yellow or too platinum. Our boys love their towheads, and who can blame them? (Just don’t go too far into full-on white because then you’ll look old and, ew, gross, who wants to date that?)

We’re Your Favorite Band from High School and We’re Really, Really Old Now

We’re opening with our hit about getting stoned and shredding a halfpipe. Even though he hasn’t been able to skateboard since his knee replacement, Brett is actually a little stoned right now from his THC-infused arthritis cream.

Donkey Kong's Daily Planner

11:45 PM-   Meet up with Mario in the world of Grand Theft Auto for our monthly night of meth and hookers.

#MealAMusician

David Lee Broth, Cod Stewart, KFC & the Sunshine Band, and more #MealAMusician on this week's trending joke game!

In Order to Appease Everyone in Our Community, We Decided to Rename Our School to 'Robert E. Lee Was Bad High School'

Our superintendent is more than pleased with our decision, stating that our school’s new name will make it perfectly clear that any discrimination in the halls of Robert E. Lee Was Bad is bad. We hope that the community also recognizes that absolutely no hate or prejudice at Robert E. Lee Was Bad is good. It’s bad.

Are You Staying at “Clyde’s Rustic Farmhouse Escape” AirBnB or Trapped in an Escape Room?

There are old portraits of someone else’s family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. And more!

How to Write Brfly

People think writing brfly is hard, but it’s really quite simpl. You just have to take a few lettrs out here and thr—sometimes even entire altogether.

Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries...

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.... please explain Better Call Saul. ... will you drive me to the mall? .... please make that cappuccino tall. And more!

These Targeted Ads Don’t Know Me At All

Wow, peanuts are good! Maybe I’m not allergic? Algorithm, have you known this whole time?! And if so, why are you now recommending me all these Epi-Pens with 15-minute shipping? Must be a mistake, not worrying about it.

#WeedAWestern

There Will Be Blunts, Toke-lahoma!, Smokeback Mountain, and more #WeedAWestern on this week's trending joke game!

Homer’s Odyssey Character or Skin Rash Medication

Telemachus, Prednisone, Locaid and more!

Werner Herzog’s Requiem for a Steamboat

As Mickey navigates the treacherous waters, his cheerful whistle provides a stark contrast to the grim realities that surround him. The boat's three haunting toots serve as a chilling reminder of the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Those silent predators of our existence, patiently waiting to pounce upon the unsuspecting. They are the unsung terrors that shape our fears and fuel our nightmares, hidden from the light of day.

I'm a Resolutions Girly and I Demand to Hear Your New Year's Resolutions

Debbie, I’m not kidding. You see, I’m a Resolutions Girly. I talk about my New Year’s resolutions incessantly from December through January. I force friends, loved ones, and even strangers to share their goals with me, too. I refuse to let any conversation end until I've heard resolutions I find satisfactory. So come on, Debbie. I’m sure you have at least one thing you’d like to change…