Here’s Looking at You, Chat as transcribed by Michael “Micky” Shaw

You’ve told me a good many things. Sometimes I think you do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of thinking too, it adds up to one thing. You’re going to go back to where you came from.

Billboard’s Greatest Hits Rewritten By AI

R-E-S-P-GPT, Prompt Me Baby One More Time, Bye Bye Bye-nary. And more!

Gothmopolitan Magazine

Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other's Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.

My Speech to the 2023 Graduates

Congratulations, kindergarteners. And before you go dislocating your shoulders patting each other’s backs, you should know that the real world is more than fingerpaints and snack time. And first grade can be a bitch.

Unfortunately Fortuitous Quotes From the Animated Film Playing Down the Hall As You and Your Partner Climax

“Ready or not, I’m coming in hot!” -Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021)

I Had to Buy This Tent From REI, It Was on Sale and It’s Slightly Different From My Other Tents

I can’t wait to try it out this summer. In the meantime, I’ll put it away with all my other REI tents in the makeshift gear storage space in the corner of my 800 sq ft apartment.

#StonedSuperHeroes

Dr. Strain, The Hash, Fantastic 420, and more #StonedSuperHeroes on this week's trending joke game!

The Nine Circles of Helloton

No pain, no gain. At least that’s what the sign on the door says. 

GOP Updated & Approved Versions Of Popular Literature

Cujo: The love and kindness of a gentle St. Bernard dog is just what's needed to bring together a family struggling with undisclosed personal issues.

I Have To Manspread on Public Transportation Due To My Massively Wide Chode

When you see me or any other man stretching out as if the subway is our own personal living room, know that it’s due to our penises being oriented horizontally and shaped like harmonicas.

Names That I Will Likely Consider For My Prison A Cappella Group Should I Ever Find Myself Incarcerated and Yearning to Sing With My Fellow Convicts

Baroquing and Entering, The Delinquintet, Treblemakers, and more!

#FishACelebrity

Anchovy Hathaway, Skate Winslet, Eel Patrick Harris, and more #FishACelebrity on this week's trending joke game!

I’ll Be Honest, I Thought Robbing Banks Would Be Easier

To rob a bank, you don’t need a gun. You need heart. You also need an accomplice, a getaway driver, and nuns’ costumes like in The Town, from critically-acclaimed director Ben Affleck.

Fantasy Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms of Small Children Presented in Increasing Order of Implausibility

One full week of school which is not cut short due to a holiday closure, early pick up or communicable illness. And more!

News Briefs: Study Reveals Exposure To Life Increases Symptoms Of Depression

Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies "Birthday Only" Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.

Math Word Problems for Writers 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

#DangerousDesserts

Chocolate Drownies, Key Lime Die, Cinnabomb Rolls, and more #DangerousDesserts on this week's trending joke game!

Checklist For Things To Bring To Your Next Wedding Weekend

Jars of incense because you have unfortunately become that person. Flashcards reminding you not to drunkenly namedrop King Tutankhamen. Tupperware with ham and cheese sandwich. You saw the menu. And more!

I Want You to Have This Book, Which I’ve Read in the Bathroom

The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.

QUIZ: Classic SNL Sketch or Unhinged Social Media Ad?

You were born into the misinformation age and are addicted to the internet, but which generation are you at heart? Self-diagnose yourself as a true Gen X, Millennial, or Generation Z by testing your dated pop-culture knowledge and your grasp of online marketing grifts.

What I’ve Learned Moving From New York To LA 

When you’re so depressed that you sleep through a beautiful day, you don’t have to feel guilty because it’ll still be beautiful out tomorrow. There’s a much greater diversity of industries in Los Angeles than I assumed: You can work in film, television, or film and television. And more!

#PervertedPartyGames

Truth or Bare, Beer Thong, Taboob, and more #PervertedPartyGames on this week's trending joke game!

WordleBot Here, and Your Gameplay Analysis Has Me a Little Concerned

You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.  

Popular Séance Magazine

Ouija Board Or Ouija Bored: How To Guarantee You Get A Spirited Spirit Every Time, and more in this issue of Popular Séance Magazine.

How To Be A Proper Introvert: A Guide For Extroverts

Congratulations on your decision to take the first step towards changing your life. With this short course, we hope to help you feel confident replacing the chaotic, and quite frankly selfish, lifestyle of drawing your energy from interacting with other people, to a more tranquil, altruistic lifestyle of leaving others the hell alone. Our objective for this tutorial, is to help you grab the social butterfly within you, and kill it.

Some Possible New Jobs for Tucker Carlson

GOP diversity consultant, Melting wax figure of Tucker Carlson, Busboy at Trump Grill, and more!

Headlines From the Dominion / Fox News Trial We Will Never Get To See...

Fox Newscasters Arrive at Court Hearing Atop 4 Flying Horses, Swarm of Locusts Found on Sean Hannity During Pre Trial Security Screening, Judge Jeanine Pirro Appears Anxious, Uneasy In Presence of Real Judge, and more!

It's Fart-Twenty—Time to Get My Public Farting Buzz On!

How great is it that I can blaze up some stew and stroll wherever I please—a river walk like this one, or a botanic garden, or a national monument folks have waited their whole lives to visit—while farting to my heart’s content? How great that everyone finally recognizes that our nation’s most wondrous spaces are even more wondrous when they smell like Joey Chestnut’s bathroom?

I'm a CAPTCHA, and I'm Having a Midlife Crisis

You may have noticed that lately every time you have to prove you’re human rather than one of those increasingly sexy spambots, the pictures that you have to identify are either motorcycles, sports cars, or yachts. That’s my fault. I’m a CAPTCHA, and I’m having a midlife crisis. 

#FlatulentFlowers

Stink Carnation, Bunflower, Tootlips, and more #FlatulentFlowers on this week's trending joke game!

George Santos Reelection Survey

Please take a moment to complete this brief survey on who you would want me to be when I am up for reelection – it’s just around the corner. At the end of the survey, please indicate how much you would like to contribute to keep me away from New York in Washington town. No amount is too small: $525,000, $25,000, or twelve hundred installments of $199.99.

2023 Coachella Act or Classic Sitcom Wacky Neighbor

Uncle Waffles, Cosmo Kramer, Quagmire, and more!

Rejected HBO Max / Discovery+ Streamer Names

anticlimax, now with flax, batgirl axed, and more!

LinkedIn Through the Ages

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

We’re The Weather Channel and If You Don’t Subscribe to Our Premium Site We Will Start Sacrificing Oxen to Zeus

Some of you call us panic salesmen but still demand unfettered access to terror-inducing forecasts in 15-minute increments. All we know is that keeping up with the extreme weather flavor for the week can really mean the difference between life and death in this anthropogenic apocalyptic shitscape.

A List of Celebrities Who Have Skied Into My Back in Park City, Utah

Robert Downey, Jr. :You may feel a bit envious that I got to meet Robert Downey, Jr. when he skied into my back in Park City, Utah, but there’s really no need to be jealous.  Robert Downey, Jr. skis into everyone. But he’s just so charming when he picks you up, it almost makes you forget the bruises, so it’s not all bad.

#RoastARomCom

10 Things I Hate About Poo, Moonsuck, Annie Hell, and more #RoastARomCom on this week's trending joke game!

George Washington’s Secret to Glowing Skin

As part of InStyle’s history issue, we’re holding our beauty blenders up to the annals of time to examine the skincare routine of Founding Father George Washington. Your history teacher probably glossed over the fact that Georgie was known from sea-to-shining-sea for his luminous skin and microscopic pores. Keep in mind, this was several years before the popularity of electricity or Vogue’s Youtube channel.

Euphemisms for ‘Influencer’ That Reality Shows Use to Make It Seem Like Contestants All Have Different Jobs

Content Creator, Freelance Content Strategy Specialist, CEO of Micro-Ad Sales, and more!

Star Wars Bounty Hunter or Traditional Passover Food

Zuckuss? Tzimmes? Hazeret? Just try not to dip your Din Djarin in the salt water.

10 Rules For Kid Rock Concert Goers So He Doesn't Get Triggered And Refuse To Play

Do not seat any fans in rows LGBT or Q.

Late Night TV Hosts React to The Crucifixion of Jesus Christ

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon: "You guys hear about this? A man named Jesus was killed today for claiming to be the son of God. Yeah. Awful. When asked for comment, God pointed and said, 'Look, a dinosaur!' And ran away."

#EerieEasterCandies

Cadbury Scream Egg, Marshmallow Creeps, Jelly Fiends, and more #EerieEasterCandies on this week's trending joke game!

Truly Terrible Things About Trump Arraignment

Keeps saying the courtroom artist is totally failing because they aren't using 'good orange' and he looks too 'creamsicle'. It took seven and a half hours to get his hair ready for the mugshot. Won't answer any questions until he's placed on higher seat than the judge. And more!

April Fools Day Pranks For Fancy Boys

Switch the Soup Spoon and Main Course Spoon At Supper: Mother didn’t dish out thousands of pounds for eight years to a private etiquette coach for nothing! Switch the placement of Mother’s soup spoon and main course spoon before Saturday night supper with your godparents Lord and Lady Hestingforth. As refined as she is, Lady Hestingforth will surely turn pink with secondhand embarrassment when she sees the haphazard place setting of the fine China we actually use every night. You’ll surely get a spanking and stern talking to from Nanny!

News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem

Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend's Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor's Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.

A Conversation Between My Teeth And Tongue After I Accidentally Bite Myself

Teeth: And I can’t believe how stupid you are. I mean, it’s not like you have any practice with this whole eating process. We’ve only been doing it for - oh, I don’t know - our whole lives! Tongue: Gross, all I can taste is blood. Ow, that stings.

Take Me Out to the New & Improved Ballgame

Zipline Substitutions: Instead of waiting forever for a new pitcher to reach the mound, he'll zipline in from the bullpen.

#SpoilASport

Beerleading, Mixed Martial Farts, Crack and Field, and more #SpilASport on this week's trending joke game!

Ten Zombie Twists That Haven’t Been Done To Death 

All the weight you’ve ever lost: Seventeen pounds through Weight Watchers, eight pounds through Noom, thirty pounds from a low-carb diet, three pounds from Covid, and six from a smoothie fast—all the fat you’ve lost over the decades is back. It has congealed into a half-ton quivering mass that oozes toward you, dead set on a reunion.

Songs From the Hit Broadway Musical The Ski Accident, Starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Gwyneth Paltrow

“I Lost Half a Day of Skiing” Lyrics by Gwyneth Paltrow, performed by Gwyneth Paltrow / Did you know? Did you know I lost half a day of skiing? / That’s six hours orrr—How long my vagina candle burns!

PornHub’s 2nd Most Popular Searches By State

Texas: Choking the chicken.   An actual chicken. South Carolina: CHiPs in chaps Delaware: Rubes with pubes. And more!

The Eerie Similarities & Distinct Differences Between Cocaine Bear & Smokey the Bear

Cocaine Bear is the star of a major motion picture now in release / Despite 75 years of work in television, Smokey the Bear has never made it to the big screen and is currently seeking new representation

I’m Definitely Going to Get Arrested Friday

I’m going to be arrested Friday for something I haven’t done. I know I said Tuesday, but I hadn’t thought through all the steps involved. Or Saturday at the latest.

#FlowerASitcom

Shrubs, Happy Daisies, Carnation 54 Where Are You? and more #FlowerASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

VC Firm Shares Alternatives to Silicon Valley Bank

Place the money at the end of an elaborate treasure hunt. The ideal treasure hunt should take at least fifty years to solve, enabling the value of the cash to appreciate due to the mystery surrounding it.

Romance Novels for Second Amendment Lovers

Bobby hardly ever took Betty out anymore. There just didn’t seem to be much point. Whenever he did, she was cold and stiff, her buttstock unyielding. Thanks to the Supreme Court, it was perfectly legal to open carry a long gun around New York City, but people still stared at Betty and made rude comments.

Newest Additions To The Cultural Lexicon

The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you're still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!

Little Known Facts About St. Patrick’s Day

Large cities like Chicago dye their river green each year to blend in any vomit spewed by people who’ve been drinking since 10 AM. Every time a drunk man stumbles, a leprechaun gets its wings. Corned beef and cabbage exist only on this holiday. Any leftover corned beef and cabbage will turn into a honey-glazed Easter ham at the stroke of midnight. And more!

#RobotARockBand

R2U2, HAL and Oats, Stone Temple Autopilots, and more #RobotARockBand on this week's trending joke game!

I’m Saint Patrick and I’m Back to Fix America’s #1 Problem: Snakes 

May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want.

Ron DeSantis Never Gave Lap Dances And Eight Other Newly Discovered Examples of the Mandela Effect

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis first rose to fame as a founding member of the Chippendales erotic dance group. But it didn’t really happen. DeSantis never actually thrilled women in any capacity. The above is a classic example of the Mandela Effect. That’s when thousands of people “remember” something that didn’t exist, like Curious George having a tail, or King Henry VIII holding a turkey leg. Are these mass misconceptions a coincidence, or are people tapping into an awareness of an alternate reality? Read on for more examples of this bizarre phenomenon. 

I'm Speaking to the Server at This Portuguese Restaurant in French, Goddamnit

I’m back from my study abroad in France, everyone.

GLUMMER Magazine

It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn't: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!

Introducing: LinkedIn Dating

Once you’ve selected your top candidate, you may make them an offer and negotiate start date*, and benefits package. Additionally if you are just looking for a one night stand, try I’mEasyApply to fast track filling the position. Happy recruiting!

#FuriousFastFood

Crappy Meal, Murder King, SmackDonalds, and more #FuriousFastFood on this week's trending joke game!

Conversations I’ve Had With My Playlist 

Undone - The Sweater Song - Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.

Alternative Names For Wisdom Teeth

Prudent Molars, Insightful Incisors, Astute Fangs, and more!

I’m an Egg Bake, and You Peasants Need To Stop Calling Me an Omelet

We are not the same. We are both made with a combination of eggs, perhaps a splash of milk, a variety of vegetables, sometimes a sprinkle of ham, and if you’re disgusting, more bacon than eggs. But that’s where the similarities end. 

Movies In the Cocaine Bear Cinematic Universe

Alcohol Walrus, Weed Donkey, Ether Bunny, and more!

The Bullshit Artist

George Santos, as we know, is also an international film star, he and his co-star Kitara Ravache, are up for an Oscar in the new film, The Bullshit Artist'! It's remarkable, with his animal charity work, elected office, and work as a eyewear model, that he finds the time to do it all! Fingers crossed!

Student Loan Acceptance: A Solution Brought to You By the Grand Old Party

Allow us, your humble allies in this pursuit of equality, to present a couple steps, also known as the Five Stages of Grief, to help you navigate and ultimately accept the overwhelming heartache that comes with knowing 19% of all your paychecks will be forfeit to your student loans as long as you draw breath.

#SmellySciFi

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind, R2-PU, Dr. Who Farted? and more #SmellySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

HBO Highlights Its Very Original, Very Unique Content

Rich People Being Absolute Lunatics, Iconic Show From The 90’s, Epic Fantasy Show That Costs A Trillion Dollars, and more!

Items in My House Ranked by How Quickly They Slid Down the Guggenheim Ramp

Ceramic Penguin Wearing A Top Hat: This little guy is a survivor. He rolled past the increasingly suspicious security guards before bouncing off some lady’s shoe, flying past Picasso’s Woman with Yellow Hair and landing in the back of a stroller. He rode the descent in style with the penguin tipping his hat at me.

News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection

Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.

#BoozyBoardGames

Tabooze, Connect Pour, Guess Who got drunk, and more #BoozyBoardGames on this week's trending joke game!

We at the EPA Assure You This Liquid Is Only a Little Spilled Milk and It’s Nothing to Cry Over

We’d love to hand out some cash and stick around for the cleanup, but unfortunately, we only cover large natural disasters and not a little milk spillage. 

21 Voting Groups Now Vying for the Position Formerly Held By Soccer Moms 

Badminton Aunts, Pinball Wizards, Pickleball Playing Bros, and more!

1-Star Reviews of Major United States Landmarks

The Statue of Liberty: Didn’t move as much as in the Ghostbusters film. In fact, it barely moved at all. I stared at it the whole time I was there and it hardly moved. If it did, it was really slight. 1 star. And more!

At This Performance of “Hairspray”, the Role of Wilbur Turnblad Will Be Played by You, Get Up There

We are fully aware that YOU Are an AUDIENCE MEMBER Who came here with no intention of playing WILBUR TURNBLAD But like I Mentioned, it’s what our call sheet says...

Wendy's Daily Planner

5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!

What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents

Aaron Burr: Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”, Jimmy Carter: Recycled, Dick Cheney: Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker. And more!

#SexyRockBands

Kink 182, Buns n Roses, Nippleback, and more #SexyRockBands on this week’s trending joke game!

The Forgotten Tragedy of the Night President Lincoln Died by the Ghost of Actor Harry Hawk

Alone on the stage midway through Act III, I deliver the line of lines. You know it well. Say it with me: "Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!" I know, I can scarcely pen the words such does my body quake with laughter. They just don’t write them like that anymore, do they? I knew that moment would punch my ticket to New York and superstardom. So, naturally, I nail the line, slaying my rapturous audience (perhaps not the finest turn of phrase given the circumstances, but paper and ink are not cheap so onward) when the shot rings out from the president’s box. As you can imagine, the distraction pretty much stopped the show flow like an Edison phonograph scratch.

Exciting New Nail Polish Colors for Spending Your Valentine’s Day Home Alone!

Bold Red Alone in Bed with Snacks and “Jane Eyre” on Netflix, the Michael Fassbender One, Berry Naughty Thoughts About Michael Fassbender, Sexy Fishnet Stalkings of Michael Fassbender’s Full Frontal Pics Online, and more!

Valentine’s Day Messages, as Dictated by My Kindergartner, Prior to My Suggested Edits

"Cameron. I hope you don't get sent to the cool down zone on Valentine's Day, because then you will miss the Valentine's Party." "Henry. You are so funny with your tiny little smile." And more!

Your New Favorite Super Bowl Betting Apps!

OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.

Start Enjoying This Catalog You Think You’re Too Young To Get

Sure, you can put on your Clash and your Bush and your Kate Bush, but playing them on vinyl doesn’t make you young and wired. It makes you old enough to have the original albums before CDs were invented. Let’s talk tweed.

#CrassCoffee

Asspresso, Dickaffeinated, Chock Full O Butts, and more #CrassCoffee on this week's trending joke game!

I Want a Refund on This Wedding Photography Package Because All You Did Was Focus on Cats

I have seven nieces and only one of them’s in a photo. But even in that one, her face is hidden behind a manx wearing a large felt hat like Meghan Markle. Couldn’t you have moved her? Also, couldn’t you have focused on my bridesmaids in their fabulous dresses and not kittens in ill-fitting cummerbunds?

Better Ways to Lay Off Employees Than Locking Them Out of Their Email

Snail mail, delivered by an actual snail, Elaborate scroll inside the Cryptex from The Da Vinci Code, Inception, and more!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Saints Who Are Always Running Late

“Have ye inquired of the Lord? He was supposed to be here two millennia ago.” - 1 Nephi 15:8

Truly Terrible Signs That You Were Abducted By Aliens And Then Mindwiped

Large portions of the Bible no longer make very much sense. Rebel flag in the front yard is now hot pink and purple rather than red and blue. VHS tape of Legally Blonde 2 obviously watched but not rewound. And more!

Satan Announcing Layoffs In Hell

For those we are letting go, we will be offering generous severance packages including the souls of 10,000 babies and a gift card to Spencers Gifts, the official retail partner of hell.

#SadScents

Ewwwwcalyptus, Dumpkin Spice, Poor Pourri, and more #SadScents on this week's trending joke game!

For Fail-Safe Security, Hire Me, a Four-Pound Chihuahua

I may be small, but I am no toy. My 3.2 pounds of rippling muscle are built around a heart that races at 180 bpm for the sole purpose of protection. The urge to defend courses through every ounce of my one ounce of purebred blood. I’m genetically obligated to be an absolute dick to everyone but you.

As a Content Creator, The Most Rewarding Part of My Job is Calling Myself a Content Creator

See those contents on that computer screen? I put some of that in there. I'm a maker of #mediastuff. You could call me a #mediacontributor, basically. Sometimes I just fill boxes with words for the sake of it. Gotta meet that word count.

A Camel Explains Why You Can’t Handle Dry January Like They Can

They’re not cut out for the No-2-O lifestyle that animals like me are built for so for them to make a whole month's challenge out of our lifestyle. Well, that’s just par for the course for these idiots that give mammals a bad name.

News Briefs: Lost Dog Found At Home Of Nicer Family

Plus: Stupid Lemonade Stand Doesn't Have Wi-Fi, Cabbage Enthusiasts Flip The Fuck Out Over National Cabbage Day, Mom Excited About Knowing Mother Of Hostess At Chili's.

Life Recipes for Late Twentysomethings

Day-Long Hangover: Wake up cold, confused, and filled with regret. Leave ample time to rise. Add water consistently–too much at once will oversaturate. Infuse Excedrin in between painful realizations you can no longer drink without consequence. Whisk two McGriddles into your mouth while prone on your couch. Remember you have to work tomorrow.

#FartyDatingApps

Crappn, Farters Only, EwwwHarmony, and more #FartyDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

This Year, I Did Something Special for Your Birthday

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.

Quiz: Jon Lovitz as SNL character Tommy Flannigan or Congressman George Santos

Married to Morgan Fairchild, Played Third Base for KC Royals in the World Series, Star of Baruch College volleyball team, President of Pathological Liars Association. And more!

Dog Training for Cowards

Sit and Stay: Ask your dog nicely to sit. If he doesn’t do it, nervously look around to see if anyone noticed him disobeying you. If there’s no one around, pretend you never actually asked him to sit. You will learn to gaslight yourself like this. Similarly, if you ask your dog to stay and he continues to lunge or wander, you must turn it around on yourself. You stay. Stay and wonder why no one ever listens to your requests.

A Guide to Pregaming in Your 40s

EVENT: A concert that starts at 10 pm for no good reason PREGAMING: Crashing on the couch for a 20-minute snooze then inserting Dr. Scholl's insoles into your sensible boots

#PervertedPasta

Beef Strokin' Off, Macaronly Fans, Hard-onara, and more #PervertedPasta on this week's trending joke game!

Lesser Known TV Content Warnings

Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!

Honest Preschool Descriptions 

We charge to put you on a pretend wait list. Our vacation schedule will never overlap with the local elementary school - that’s a promise. Your kid will get lice.

An Apology From the Food Network for Mistaking ”Beat Bobby Flay” as ”Eat Bobby Flay”

At the Food Network, we pride ourselves on producing shows that showcase and explore the rich culinary world and most importantly, educating and entertaining our viewers. However, “exploring the rich culinary world” does not include hunting down our own hosts. We truly cannot believe this happened a second time.

Plateboy Magazine

Coleslaw In The Raw, Open Wide for Open Faced Sandwiches, Grub Hubba Hubba! And more in this issue of Plateboy Magazine!

Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books

'Misery', 'Pet Semetary', 'Christine', 'The Running Man', 'The Shawshank Redemption'...In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.

#DrunkSitcoms

Brooklyn Wine Wine, S*M*A*S*H*E*D, According to Gin, and more #DrunkSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Letter of Apology from George Santos

Did I make a few fibs about my income along the way? Maybe. It’s not entirely my fault, though. There was that thing at Maya Angelou’s annual solstice party when I thought Sting had asked me, “Are you South American?” To which I answered, “Brazilian”. But what he actually said was, “How much money did you make in 2008?”, and he thought I said, “A bazillion”. An honest mistake, and I realized later but didn’t want to correct him. I mean, it’s Sting.

Welcome to the Many Seasons of TJ Maxx!

February: love is in the air. It's also in your kitchen, bathroom, and foyer. March: more leprechauns than you will ever need. April: same as March, only with rabbits. And more!

Every Human on Earth Looks at Least 30% More Attractive in a Blazer

Not sold on the Blazer Theory? Try picturing every one of your exes. Now, picture them wearing blazers. If you’re still not convinced, repeat the experiment, but replace your exes with your least favorite politicians, or the zombies from The Walking Dead...

Common Wisdom Infused with Billy Joel

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on Billy Joel." "Is it better to have Joeled and lost than never to have Joeled at all?" "Close, but no Billy Joel." And more!

Lesser Known Characters From The Star Wars Universe

Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star's gentlemen's club, The Emperor Says "No Clothes!".   Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.

#Slutty80sMovies

The Lust Boys, The Princess Ride, When Harry Wet Sally, and more #Slutty80sMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir

'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!

Top 20 Predictions For 2023 by Nostradamus’ Cousin Barney

Laura Ingram promises she will no longer brake for babies or kittens. Snoop Dogg will become Speaker of the House. Lincoln Center is converted into pickleball courts. And more!

New From Sephora: Motor Oil

From Sephora: The maker of Blackcurrant Oil, Argan Oil, Rose Hip Seed Oil, Marula Oil, and Dilo Oil, comes: Motor Oil - Just drizzle a dime-size amount on your palm, put on your finger, and rub under the eyes in a circular motion. Watch as the sulfur antioxidants slowly exfoliate your delicate features.

Clairvoyant Trump's 2023 Predictions

January 6th will become America's most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!

Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2022

Tough choices this year, so many deserving but only so many spots!

Our Gym Would Like to Apologize for Yesterday’s “Train Like A Viking Of Skagafjörður” Workout

It has come to our attention that yesterday’s WoD (workout of the day), The Skagafjörður Viking 9000, has received universal criticism from those in attendance. In an anonymous survey sent earlier today, more than one member mentioned the class caused “explosive head trauma,”“neverending nightmares,” and “plantar fasciitis.”

#2022in4words

Staying’ Alive, Staying’ Alive, Supreme Court Vs America, I want a refund, and more #2022in4words on this week's trending joke game!

God's New Year's Resolutions

Finally Fill In Grand Canyon, New Rule That Not All Dogs Go To Heaven, Find Therapist That Doesn't Accuse You Of God Complex, and more!

Only ‘90s Kids Will Remember All These Great Catchphrases from the Best Jim Carrey Movies

“Talk about a series of unfortunate events…in my pants!” A Series of Unfortunate Events, "Does this cable smell like farts to you?" The Cable Guy, “I didn’t fart, JK LOL I did!” Liar Liar, and more!

10 New Year’s Resolutions Jason Definitely Wants Me to Keep This Year

I will sign up for an advanced crochet class to keep my hands busy during Jason’s softball practice (which is every Tuesday and Thursday). I will go to the gym, but only the one where the local softball team, the Beavers, work out. I will not let my past failures to become Jason’s girlfriend define me. And more!

Christmas Song Lyrics that Go Hard to Sell You a New or Preowned Vehicle

“We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hyundai Sonata in your driveway ASAP. A giant red velvet bow will cover most of the hail damage. (Bow sold separately.)

I Saw Mommy Kissing the Easter Bunny (But So Did Santa Claus, Unfortunately)

You shouldn't judge my mother. She was a single mom working a full-time job and raising two small children. Of course, she found it difficult to date men who weren't put off or intimidated by the fact that she had kids. Perhaps it's only natural that she gravitated towards quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures like Santa Claus. He wasn't afraid of children, not in the least. We were the only reason he came around in the first place. That and the cookies.

#HellishHolidayMovies

A Christmas Gory, Funeral Home Alone, The Satan Clause, and more #HellishHolidayMovies on this week's trending joke game!

How to Tell if You’re Lighting the Menorah or Gaslighting the Jewish People

If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting. 

Mrs. Claus' Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Place Frosty's magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa's "Naughty Dungeon". Deep down, he's a good man; we all have our vices. And more!

Wing Man

After more than a century of trying, I was finally an Angel/First Class…ironically. Yes, my Wings were gained via sarcasm. So technically, I have two glowing, glorious Wings growing out of my back now. But they might as well be two glowing, glorious Asterisks.

A Senator’s Holiday Gift Guide For His Secret Girlfriend

Following her back on Instagram from your official government account. Breaking it off with your second slightly more secret girlfriend. A dog. She needs emotional support from somewhere. And more!

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children 

#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season.

#CrappyChristmasCarols

All I want for Christmas is Poo, Doo you hear what I hear?, Jingle Smells, and more #CrappyChristmasCarols on this week's trending joke game!

We At HBOMax Have Decided To Cancel Earth

We here at HBO Max are proud to be home to some of your previously favorite now cancelled programs such as Love Life, Minx, and the first season of Westworld. And like all of our cancelled programs, Earth will be wiped off of all platforms, anything where its existence could be recorded or remembered.

Financial Terms, According To My Teenager

Gross Margin: Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book. Margin Call: The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin. And more!

The Secrets Behind Your Favorite Movie SFX

The cats in “Cats”: Without a doubt, the greatest ordeal of my whole career. They always say to never work with children, animals or Dame Judi Dench, and I wish to God I had listened. We could have simply used special effects to depict the titular felines, but Dame Judi had other ideas. Striving for authenticity, she ate only tuna throughout the shoot, pooped in a box and licked herself clean each morning.

#MoldyMovies

No Country for Mold Men, Girls Just Want to Have Fungus, Bacteria to the Future, and more #MoldyMovies on this week's trending joke game!

NEW Game of Thrones! Except Instead of the 7 Kingdoms, It’s the 16 Myers-Brigg’s Types

Using the proven science of personality, a “kingdom reorganization plan” reallocates our favorite players into highly productive, autonomous units. Alliances are based on each character’s Jungian temperament, not on antiquated notions of bloodline or geography. A literal game-changer! 

I'm Yukon Cornelius, Aerosmith's Original Front Man

Being a Gemini, I’ve always been torn between being the center of attention and isolating myself in the stark abandoned wilderness. Truth be told, though I’ve found myself center stage in front of large crowds, my heart has always longed for silence and solitude.