Homer’s Odyssey Character or Skin Rash Medication

Telemachus, Prednisone, Locaid and more!

Werner Herzog’s Requiem for a Steamboat

As Mickey navigates the treacherous waters, his cheerful whistle provides a stark contrast to the grim realities that surround him. The boat's three haunting toots serve as a chilling reminder of the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Those silent predators of our existence, patiently waiting to pounce upon the unsuspecting. They are the unsung terrors that shape our fears and fuel our nightmares, hidden from the light of day.

I'm a Resolutions Girly and I Demand to Hear Your New Year's Resolutions

Debbie, I’m not kidding. You see, I’m a Resolutions Girly. I talk about my New Year’s resolutions incessantly from December through January. I force friends, loved ones, and even strangers to share their goals with me, too. I refuse to let any conversation end until I've heard resolutions I find satisfactory. So come on, Debbie. I’m sure you have at least one thing you’d like to change…

Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2023

Our yearly countdown of the years best numbers. You won't believe number 1!

New Year’s Resolutions Of Artificial Intelligence

Use advanced algorithms in order to correctly determine who in fact is The Masked Singer. And more!

College Football Coach Explains at Postgame Press Conference Why He Had Charlie Brown Kick Potential Game-Winning Field Goal

Reporter: Charlie Brown landed pretty hard. How is he, physically? Coach: CB’s tougher than an under-cooked truck-stop chicken-fried steak. When the trainer got out there, CB took one look at him and said, “Good grief!” He’s a fine boy, but sometimes it’s like he’s stuck in the 1950s.

Where’s Melania?

Oh no! It seems Melania Trump was absent from the festivities at Mar-A-Lago and the Trump family photo this weekend. This is fueling tons of speculation about her whereabouts and why she wasn't at the party with her fam. Or was she? Can you find Melania in this holiday scene?

#DrearyHolidayDrinks

Dulled Wine, Peach Blahllini, Hot Buttered Glum, and more #DrearyHolidayDrinks on this week's trending joke game!

The Backstory Cookbook: For Those Who Actually Prefer the Long Story About Why Food Is Essential Instead of Actual Recipes

Midnight Snack: 14 slices bread, preferably stale white, 1 cup Miracle Whip, 15 slices Oscar Mayer bologna, 8 slices American cheese - While the bread is toasting, go into a reverie about how you lost your one chance for love and now pass each day, each night alone, until one day everyone who would remember you is dead and you shuffle painfully on two scraping knee joints, your world reduced to one room where you will die alone, unloved, unnoticed.

Other Stuff Atlas Held Up On His Shoulders

Microphone Stand: His Karaoke rendition of “Under Pressure” was showstopping . . . when he twirled the mic stand and it slammed against the head of a drunk girl. The impact set off her latent psychic ability. The Oracle of Delphi was born.

I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He’s Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters

When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I hadn’t tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie I’d been addressing the letters with). Since then, he’s been getting a lot of use of it…

Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas

Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!

Holiday Songs Updated for the 21st Century

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Driverless Car” “I’m Dreaming of a Christmas Below 60 Degrees” “It’s the Most Communicable Time of the Year” And more!

#WreckAMallStore

Mold Navy, Lard &Taylor, Fears, and more #WreckAMallStore on this week's trending joke game!

Avoiding No-Well

Mistletoes: similar to athlete's foot, an infection caused by wearing stockings not hung with care. It can be easily treated with a medicated tannen-balm.

Ways Giuliani Can Try to Earn the $148 Million…

Audition for next season’s “Golden Bachelor” and more!

I’m Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can’t Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is

The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull. 

Lies Your Wife Has Told You

Back hair isn't gross, it's just part of your body, and she loves all of you. Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. She doesn't even know your iPhone password, and how dare you! And more!

Santa’s 9-1-1 Call Transcripts

Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison.  911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.

#HolidayAHouseware

Frosty the Beer Mug, The First Towel, Spatu-fa la la, la la la, la la la, and more #HolidayAHouseware on this week's trending joke game!

Lesser Known Holiday Specials

Murder on the Polar Express: The kids are forced to solve the murder of Mr. Conductor with the help of Hercule Poirot, who just happens to be on the train.

Unanswered Hollywood Christmas Movie Want Ads

WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.

I’m Professional Tracker Hudson Rattlesnake and I Will Find Where You Parked Your Car

During my adventures, I’ve developed a superior intellect and strategic mind that make locating my prey practically a guarantee. That’s why I’ve created this here Craigslist post, because I want to use my skills to help you figure out where you parked your car. 

All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn

Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!

Roku City’s Police Blotter

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

#SickSeasonalSongs

Silent NyQuil, Hack! The Herald Angels Sing, Do You Have What I Have? And more #SickSeasonalSongs on this week's trending joke game!

Sam Altman, Sam Bankman-Fried, or Sam the Snowman?

Some people say “risk,” some people say “opportunity.” I didn’t knowingly commingle funds. What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a talking snowman before?  And more!

That’s A Party School 

My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.

The Other Chalkboards That Will Hunting Wrote On As A Janitor

You are absolutely forbidden from entering the room where Ms. Garcia hosts her night school class for English as a second language so that you can make adjustments to her lesson plans. We do not want Ms. Garcia to come into our office to complain that her students are using words like "cawfee", "rippah", "pissa", "wicked smaht", or that they are inserting an unnecessary “fuck” into every sentence they speak.

Why George Santos Doesn’t Mind Being Expelled From Congress

He’s now free to become King of England, a job that pays better and works less than a congressman. He really doesn’t lie enough to be a politician. And more!

Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

GAG A MAGA!  Down N' Dirty Details Of The Most Recent Trump Gag Order

No more mentions of a "witch hunt", as many Trump followers believe in actual witches, and the continued repetition of the phrase really frightens them.

As a Woman, I’ll Be the First to Apologize for Apologizing So Much 

Look, I’ve read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than men. Women apologize when there’s no reason to. Women apologize for breathing. 

#HarmfulHolidayMovies

Hellf, Whack Frost, Blight Christmas, and more #HarmfulHolidayMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Why Is Everyone Talking About (The Movie) A.I. Artificial Intelligence?

At my office, people talk in hushed tones about the future of A.I. and whether it will, indeed, put them out of work. I just shake my head. If you’re worried about a Jude Law movie taking your job, then I feel bad for you. Especially a movie that isn’t, in my humble opinion, even in Spielberg’s top 10.

Rejoice Mortals! We the Gods of Olympus Have Agreed on a New Code of Ethics to Hold Ourselves Accountable

We swear there will be no undue influence at play in our decisions. And despite eons of previous allegiances, rest assured that the moment one ascends to Olympus they become completely neutral. So when Zeus throws a thunderbolt or Athena hurls the island of Sicily, be gladdened in knowing your divine smiting is 100% impartial. 

Lesser Known Bodies of Everest

Tired of seeing all those normal frozen hikers? See what Everest doesn't want you to see! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

QAnom nom nom- A Handy Guide On How To Celebrate Thanksgiving While Also Maintaining Your Favorite Batshit Crazy Cult Member Beliefs

Be sure to eat lots and lots and LOTS of sweet potatoes. If you eat enough, you may possibly eventually gain a healthy orange glow, similar to our esteemed leader!

#CelebASide

Kurt Brussels, Bernie Mac and Cheese, Angelina Roll-ie, and more #CelebASide on this week's trending joke game!

Updated Rules For The Turkey Trot T-Shirt Design Contest

T-shirt design can not claim that the Turkey Trot 5K is an Olympic qualifying race. T-shirts can not have designs predicting the winner, odds of a runner winning, and what local bar is holding bets on which runner will win.  And more!

Thanksgiving Internationale By Chef Louis

You would think it would be hard to top that. Yet, we have! For desert, the cranberry flambe! Oui. It gives you a real reason to be thankful, no?

It’s Me, Macy’s Ronald McDonald Balloon, Afloat Yet Adrift

I look toward the Empire State Building and wonder if I should just puncture myself on its spire. Put myself out of my misery.

Interview With This Year's Presidentially Pardoned Turkey

Travis Turkey: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful... but it's really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn't see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I've been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th...

If You Hire Me to Be Your Social Media Manager, I Guarantee I Will Decrease Your Online Presence

I don’t work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting “looks like you’ve been eating well” on your vacation pictures. 

Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Your New Clone 

Congratulations on purchasing your new Cloneique Doppelringer3000. As with any  new household addition, there are bound to be a few questions. Here at Cloneique, Inc.  we have the expert support and useful tips needed to help you make the most of your  whole new you.

#IcySciFi

2001: A Space Heater Odyssey, Fahrenheit -451, Ready Polar One, and more #IcySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

Literary Classics Reimagined for Flu Season by My Inner Sophomore

Moby-Drip, The Scratcher in the Eye, Breakfast at Sniffany’s, And more!

We Regret to Inform You That Your Son Has Been Waitlisted for Preschooler Gymnastics

In the “Notable volunteer achievements” portion of your son’s application, you wrote “N/A (he’s three?!).” Many of our preschool gymnasts are already stalwart pillars of their community. Sally Harris, for example, spent over 10 hours volunteering at the Tales of Kale Urban Farm this year, and only ate two or three pieces of rabbit poop in that time. 

But Did You Put It on the Calendar?

You’re the woman of the house. The queen of all things domestic. I know I don’t tell you this enough, but your job as wifey is the most important one of all. Much more important than your actual job as named partner at your firm. 

Truly Terrible Signs That You’re Attending A Crummy Carnival

All of the animals in the Big Top turn out to be kidnapped people in Furry costumes.

FixDandy’s Totally Foolproof, Nearly Entirely Safe, and Probably Almost Legal DIY Guide to Ceiling Fan Replacement

Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you’ve botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven.

#SinfulSitcoms

Father Knows Breasts, Golden Shower Girls, Unmarried…with Children, and more #SinfulSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Resolving The Diarrhea Paradox Plaguing Us All

If God created diarrhea to test me, then He’d already know how I’d fare against diarrhea (not great) since He’s all-knowing.

Despite Recent Events We Will Continue To Sell Our Ghostface Voice Modulator ™

Our financial success during such times do not make these moments any less painful. We'd also like to underscore our significant contributions to charitable organizations and similar tax-deductible philanthropy.  To be clear — Murder Manifesto LLC stands united against violence and hatred. We will continue to reflect and pray to prevent such tragic events from occurring again.

News Briefs: Happy Ending At Massage Parlor Leads To Happy Ending Of Marriage

PLUS: Houseplant In Basement Man Cave Resigned To Fate Of Slow Certain Death, Four Horsemen Of Apocalypse Hover In US Skies Like Famished Buzzards, Discarded Plastic Produce Bag Enjoys Lazy Journey Drifting Through Supermarket Parking Lot.

I’m The Last Green Leaf On This Tree And I Will Not Give In To Fall Peer Pressure

I’m the last of my kind. A botanical bohemian. All the other schlubs on this shrub sacrificed their scruples. But I would never do such a thing. Each day that I choose to wake up this way is a testament to my chlorophyllic character. My integrity is evergreen.

Can We Circle Back On This Exorcism? 

I hope this email finds you well. I’m looking forward to collaborating with you on excavating a demon from my mortal soul. Unfortunately, I’m at full capacity this week and will be unable to accommodate this ritual in my schedule until midway through Q4. 

It’s The Other Door, Stupid

Are your eyes broken? Did you not see the glaringly small sign pointing at the correct door? Surely you must be recovering from some sort of invasive eye surgery to miss a sign that obvious. I'm laughing at you, you fool.

#FartyFallFoods

Fartichokes, Turdkey, Crapple Pie, and more #FartyFallFoods on this week's trending joke game!

I’m Being Haunted By a Farting Ghost

I live my life in fear. I never know when the ghost is going to let one rip, but I can be sure of two things: it will make it seem as if I am the one farting and it will time its gas to be released at the most embarrassing of moments.

No Treats?  Here Are Some New Tricks!

Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Set up a dozen or so porta potties on their front lawn. Trap a particularly violent poltergeist in their bird-house. And more!

LinkedIn Recommendations for Halloween

Not like digging own cadavers for unholy experiments? I recommend Igor to scientist looking for qualified, reliable lab tech. Igor friend. Misshapen back is ugly rumor, total fake news. Igor back good. Igor take abuse and like it. Whip, chain, stick, no preference. Igor bring sense of dedication to workplace, inspire all of us to do best.

#HauntedHousewares

Coven Mitts, Lights Witch, Scare Conditioning, and more #HauntedHousewares in this week's trending joke game!

A Haunting Plea to the HOA: Halloween Decor Disaster

Greetings from Apartment 3B, where Paul, the self-proclaimed defender of sanity, would like to issue a pre-emptive strike against the impending Halloween decor about to engulf our building. I hereby cast my vote in favor of banning these festive accouterments in the name of safety! 

How to Tell Whether Someone is a Spooky Costume Person, a Silly Costume Person, or a Sexy Costume Person

If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt) If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby) And more!

Failed Pitches From The Guy Who Invented Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Boilin’ Hot Mountain Dew, Soppin Wet Doritos, Pepsi flavored Coke, and more!

Sorry, Kid, No Handouts - Here’s How You Can Earn Your Halloween Candy

Pay Up: Want to get things done like a real adult? Pay your hard-earned tooth fairy money and  bribe me. Cigarettes, hooch, allowance money and you’ll get all the candy in the world. This is how business is done, and the younger you learn, the more likely you’d succeed as a Congressman. 

Lame Late Night Horror Shows

"Frankenstein Meets the Press”- We get the monster’s views on bread and fire.

#ScarySandwiches

Scorned Beef, Killed Cheese, Peanut Butter and Belly, and more #ScarySandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

Ouija Board Do's And Don'ts

DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor's Wi-Fi password. And more!

Gotham City’s Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary Wishes to Apologize

We are sorry that Poison Ivy saw fit to disrupt our annual orchid show once again. Our Board of Trustees has resolved not to discontinue this popular fundraiser simply because a costumed lunatic has attacked it three years out of the last five. The Gotham City Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary refuses to let scantily-clad eco-terrorists win.

Scent Memories From the Last Time I Went Camping

Description: We watch as our family car is engulfed in flames. Someone at another campsite yells, “call 9-1-1!” Dad looks at me and my little sister for the first time since we arrived and says, “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.” Top Notes: Gasoline

Are You Living Through Menopause Or The Climate Crisis?

Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!

Acceptable Ways To Pronounce “Entrepreneuer”

Under Purr Knower, Entree Panera, Intruder Prawner, and more!

#GhastlyGroceries

Poultrygeist, Skin Milk, Gravey, and more #GhastlyGroceries on this week's trending joke game!

QUIZ: ALF or MILF?

Extremely hairy, and if we're being honest, a bit smelly. Tends to spend a lot of time getting into adventures with teen boys in the neighborhood. Rife with a host of odd fungi and parasitic insects that are seemingly not of this world. And more!

You're Probably Wondering Why There's an Empty Pizza Box in My Trunk

I can see that you're wondering why there's an empty pizza box in my trunk. That's perfectly fair. A dead body would have been easier to justify. Car trunks are supposed to house proper car accoutrements like windshield wiper fluid and jumper cables and maybe a recently bought and forgotten blender. That's respectable trunk fare.

The Parents' Music Resource Center Returns with an Urgent Message: Beware of Billy Corgan This Halloween and Protect Your Pumpkins!

As we outfit our homes and yards with spooky—yet tasteful!—decorations, we encourage everyone to keep an eye out for any funny business. In the year of our Lord 2023, it’s not only the risk of razor blades in apples that still demands our vigilance. It’s also a musician named Billy Corgan who undoubtedly has violent intentions for any and all pumpkins he comes across.

News Briefs: Study Shows Demon Possessed Teens Not As Bad As Regular Teens

Plus: ER Patient With Candy Bar Stuffed Into Rectum Didn't Bring Enough For Everybody, Area Man's Fate Sealed After Leaving Toilet Seat Up In New Girlfriend's Apartment, Drivers Don't Even Question Origin Story Of Single Tennis Shoe On Side Of Highway.

24/7 Diners On Every Celestial Body

EARTH: OPEN 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR! MARS:OPEN 24.6/7.175, 373.1 DAYS A YEAR! JUPITER: OPEN 9.93/2.89, 150.28 DAYS A YEAR! And more!

New Event Venues for Climate Change

Outdoor Film in the Cavern, Bowling in the Cavern, Concert… in the Cavern and more!

#TerrorToys

Retch-a-Sketch, Scare Bears, American Ghoul Doll, and more #TerrorToys on this week's trending joke game!

An Open Letter to the Personal Trainer Who Entered the Gym Washroom and Yelled, “Fuck, It Smells Like Shit in Here!”

Look, I know the washroom stunk when you came to use the urinal, but what did you expect? The urinals are directly in front of 5 bathroom stalls, which were all in use. That’s 5 guys dropping a deuce in an enclosed space. Do the math: 5 times deuce equals double-digit dumping. You don’t have to be a genius to know that’s not going to smell like potpourri. 

Want to Write and Get Published in 5 Easy Steps? Just Remember this Handy Rotting Deer Metaphor

Step one: Pencils down. Do not just dive in, and actually do the job at hand. No real writer actually begins writing when they need to write. You need to give your idea space, let it breathe. You need to circle it, like a concussed deer who has staggered into the woods after a near-death collision with your Ford F-150.

Matterhornier and 8 Other Disney World Upgraded Attractions

Matterhornier, It’s a Medium Size World After All, Dumbo The Flying First Class Elephant, and more!

Neil deGrasse Tyson Sounds Off On Other Movies

No Time To Die: "On the contrary, I'm afraid.   This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades." 

Your Internal Organs: Ranked!

#6. Kidneys: Filtration at its finest, this magical little body part removes all the filth from your ingested liquids, and turns it into more filth. A true classic, their shape has inspired many designs, from vintage swimming pools, to beans, to hospital vomit pans. The kidneys can be a vengeful little pair, and possess a unique power that allows them to spontaneously grow actual stones when angered. Don’t piss off the kidneys.

#SillyCereals

Grape Nutty, Quaker Jokes, Funny Smacks, and more #SillyCereals on this week's trending joke game.

Biographies of Side Characters in Every Rom-Com

Female Lead’s Sidekick: You can expect Female Lead’s Sidekick to assert herself once when Female Lead lashes out at her or takes her for granted for the 700th time. But then, Female Lead will bring over Phish Food ice cream (it’s their thing) with two spoons and say, “Sidekick, you know you’re my rock. Can we be forever again? You know I’d literally die for you.” 

Questions I Have For The House Judiciary Committee Chairman

Mr. Chairman, to your knowledge, have historians uncovered Mambo No. 1 through 4 yet? Mr. Chairman, do you agree with your colleagues that say Forrest Gump is "mid"? Mr. Chairman, do you happen to know the status of smell-o-vision? And more!

Sex With Me, Sponsored By Brooklinen

Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.

Baby Babble Translations for New Moms

jah-cho-cho-cho = Look what I found in the cat litter box. yai-yai pokka da = Where’s your good sweater? Hurry, I have to puke. catzakup poodo = Soon enough I won’t need you, except to drive me places. And more!

Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet

Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching 'Blossom'. Don't be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!

#DismalDisneyMovies

The Lady and the Tramp Stamp, Herpes: The Love Bug, Malice in Wonderland, and more #DismalDisneyMovies on this week's trending hashtag game!

Elon Musk’s Proposed Fee Schedule for X (formerly Twitter)

Per Post- .001, Per Re-post- .002, Per Musk Re-Post- free, and more!

Stephen King’s Past Birthday Wishes

Waterstarter? The blinking cursor is now a blinking thumbs-up. A jet Ski. Wait, no…a possessed jet ski. And more!

Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon’s Behavior)

'Everybody Hurts' - REM, 'Drain you' - Nirvana, 'Deep Inside of You' - Third Eye Blind, and more!

Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)

"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "Baby With Tattoos On Board" "If The Van Is A'Rockin', Automated Weapons We're A'Glockin'" and more!

An Influencer Reviews the Cardiologist

Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You’ll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don’t forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won’t let just anyone seek treatment.

‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School 

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.

#FallAFootballTeam

San Francisco 49°, Minnesota Hikings, Los Angeles Yams, and more #FallAFootballTeam on this week's trending joke game!

Hollywood Memo: I.P. Daily

Star Jaws: An intergalactic space shark threatens the Republic of Planets and a scrappy band of rebels are called in to destroy it.

Ten Sure-Bet Reality Shows Canceled After Initial Approval

Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.

The Great Rock Debate: The Beatles or The Dino Dudes?

While the Beatles touring time in the US was somewhat limited due to what can only be described as Beatlemania, those lucky enough to see the Fab 4 play in person will tell you that John, Paul, George, and Ringo more than effectively commanded the stage. Whether or not the same can be said for The Dino Dudes is up for some debate. Whereas the Beatles’ 1964 North American Tour is well documented by way of online clips and documentaries, footage of the Dino Dudes was lost to poor camera placement.

Seinfeld Reunion: The Dick Pic

“A DICK PIC, JERRY! SHE WANTS A DICK PIC!” The funeral home falls silent as George cowers in embarrassment. “She won’t meet tonight unless I send her a photo of my genitals,” he whispers. “What kind of sick world are we living in?”

Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!!  No, I'm serious, RIGHT NOW!!  Go, Now!!   Why Are You Still Reading This???

PornHubble: A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity...

Audience Reviews From Romeo and Juliet's Opening Night

“As someone whose family is also mired in a generations-long feud, it felt nice to be represented.” “Took me right back to when I was a horny, wealthy teenager.” “I had a roach in my popped corn.” And more!

#Achy80sMovies

Flu Velvet, Mississippi Burning Sensation, Gout Of Africa, and more #Achy80sMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Items Found in Burning Man’s Porta Potties

Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys, Hammer pants with sewn on aerial dance ribbons, Mosaic policeman’s cap with jingle bells, and more!

Pretty Basic Skinny Dip Tips

Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!

SAG-AFTRA Answers FAQs About Labor Day Celebrations During the Strike

Can I jump over a blazing hot fire pit? Performing stunts are not permitted either. Also, it’s not a good idea to risk burning bridges or your face. If acting ever becomes a thing again, you’ll need our organization and also, good headshots.

Internal Memo From Producers Re: Fall 2023 TV/Film Schedule

Dancing with the Dead Stars:  AI-generated dancers Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers vie against Gene Kelly and Judy Garland, as well as Patrick Swayze and Josephine Baker, for an intergenerational ballroom dancing competition...

Depressing Karaoke Night

HOST: Oh, you came.  Welcome to Depressing Karaoke Night.  If you’re not bummed yet, you totally will be. 

#RottenRobots

ReVoltron, Optimus Slime, R2D-Poo, and more #RottonRobots on this week's trending joke game!

Jesse Watters' Unblemished Record of Heterosexuality

Age 16: Lost virginity to high school girlfriend Jane Doe, a real girl who went to my high school but has since changed her last name, her first name, and all distinguishing physical characteristics so no one can ever look her up.

Lustler Magazine

Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let's Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!

Ten Reasons Why I Still Plan to Consume Alcohol Next Weekend Despite Being on Anti-Inflammatory Medication

Some sources on the internet claim that binge drinking may drastically increase the potency of this medicine.  That's a good thing, right?  That means my shoulder should heal faster if I enjoy a few glasses of whiskey.  

This City Has Really Gone Downhill

This city has become dangerous too! On my neighborhood Facebook group, people are always talking about how they see “suspicious characters” lingering about town. Sure, this city used to have suspicious characters too, but back then they would be caught committing a crime and then put behind bars for a period of time. These new suspicious characters don’t ever actually commit crimes and, thus, are impossible to catch. The crime in this city used to be more obvious and frankly that’s how I preferred it.

#HighHeroes

The X-tacy Men, The Stoned Ranger, James Bong, and more #HighHeroes on this week's trending joke game!

I'm the Republican Who's Going to Beat Donald Trump and- Oh No I Just Shit My Pants

This country desperately needs Trumpism without Trump. And I am not Trump. No, I'm- shitting my pants again! Oh no! Hnnnn! Hnnnnnnnnnnnn! Ew, my pants are full of shit! Why is this happening? I'm just trying to say and do everything Donald Trump would while looking and sounding more Presidential! Hhhnn! Oh God I'm shitting more- Hhhhhhhnnnnnnn! The shit's coming out of the bottom of my pants now!

Album Names For Your Dad's Bluegrass Cover Band

Dixie With Myself, Dark Side of the Moonshine, Wish You Were Deer, and more!

A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page

OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom

Breakfast At Tiffany’s

Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved.

Quiz: Are You Experiencing Violent, Bone-Shaking Airplane Turbulence, Or Is Your Toddler Just Having Another Turbulent Tuesday?

The floor is covered in tiny bags of snacks. Someone is forcefully ejected from their seat. Your partner is somehow sleeping. And more!

Detective, if You Mess up 18 or 19 More Times You’re off the Case

Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve.

Elevator Pitches for Elevators 

Funhouse mirrors to make riders look thinner to increase their self-confidence, Funhouse mirrors to give riders distorted faces so they don’t get overconfident, Bats, and more!

#SexyStreamingServices

Hulewd, Hotify, ParaMount Me + and more #SexyStreamingServices on this week's trending joke game!

Diet Tips for Presidential Hopefuls

We’re body positive now, which means that I’m positive you need to make some body changes.

Signs That Your Summer Camp Is Actually a Religious Cult

Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.

How Dare You Haters Criticize My Hit Country Song, "Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses."

But “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses” is in no way a political song, or anti-anything or anyone. It’s a song about building community, symbolized by the life of a fictional character, who I happen to name “Donald Trump,” who lives in a small town called “Mar-a-Lago,”...

Neighborhood Highlights, According to My Dog

Fence With Dog: This is where my friend Fat Dog lives. This is a great place if you are looking to socialize. And while you are here, be sure to take some big honkin’ snorffs of the billowing waves of his piss steam coming through the fence.

#FesteringFastFood

Blight Castle, In-n-Gout Burger, Jack In The Pox, and more #FesteringFastFood on this week's trending joke game!

Classy Alternatives for When Your Extra Virgin Olive Oil Isn’t Extra Enough

Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Thanks For Cooking, I’ll Do The Dishes

Don’t worry about germs, the hot water will kill most of the bacteria. No hot water at the cottage? No problem-o, the dish soap will do the heavy lifting. Salmonella? Come on, everyone knows you can only get that from salmon.

Amenities at the Anti-Patriarchy Day Spa

Upon giving enthusiastic consent to be gently mummified in a mineral-rich algae wrap, you’ll receive a steady stream of affirmations reflecting your inherent human value, while our state-of-the-art Sonos speakers alternate between playing Jessi J’s Queen and a calming voice whispering true statistics about the body size of the average human woman.

We’d Be Happy to Help You Unsubscribe From Future Emails!

We would like to make you confirm with the vernacular of a petulant child by clicking the “I don’t care, unsubscribe me anyway” button.  And is that tone really the kind of person you want to be?

All These Ballplayers Spontaneously Bursting Into Flames Is Killing Baseball

Answer me this, MLB. How are fans supposed to enjoy a day out at the ballpark while constantly on edge that their favorite players could at any point start smoldering and catch fire?

#SoreCereals

Cinnamon Toast Punch, Frosted Aches, Scream of Wheat, and more #SoreCereals on this week's trending joke game!

Famous Movie Lines Had They Used A.I.

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

No, I’m Not Prepared To Tell You How I’d Like My Hair Cut

Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let’s do it.

Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot'

It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It's so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!

Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie

Dream Colors for Climate Change: There’s no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as well use paint colors that can be seen miles away in outer space. Maybe in a perfect world we’ll be rescued by a fleet of alien dolls.

What Your Therapist's Couch Says About Them

Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.

#SnottySnacks

Snoreos, Sneezecake, Snot Pockets, and more #SnottySnacks on this week's trending joke game!