Did Bigfoot Storm the Capitol on January 6?

As the Arizona Fake Electors indictment has been unsealed, the obvious next step is to identify which Cryptids, mythological or genetically modified beings that have never been scientifically confirmed, were present at the January 6 Insurrection. This comprehensive list compiled over two years of extensive research including Department of Justice documents, Capitol Police footage, and a grainy forty-five minute long YouTube video offers the conclusive explanations of where a select group of Cryptids of significance were on January 6, 2021 during the Capitol Insurrection.

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Bigfoot – NO

By far the most famous Cryptid, Bigfoot was not present. The elusive creature was at his home in northeast Oregon watching coverage on CNN powered by his solar panels and water turbine. The staunch environmentalist has declared his support for Joe Biden in the upcoming election claiming Trump’s push for “oil, sweet oil” as a motive. This tracks with his record as in the 2020 Democratic Primary, he canvassed in Iowa for Washington Governor Jay Inslee.

Jersey Devil – YES

The Pine Barren native was identified in a great number of video evidence, first hand accounts attributed the Jersey Devil to being inside the Capitol, and DNA evidence found inside the desk of Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi. Footage recovered from a deleted Facebook post found the Jersey Devil stealing the congressional leader’s laptop and scribbling satanic verses on the carpet.

 

Thunderbird – NO

The Arizona nomad was not present due to a serious bout of COVID that landed the grand creature in a Phoenix hospital. However, social media posts before and after January 6 show Thunderbird as a great supporter of the former President and would have gone if able. Thunderbird announced its support via Truth Social for Kari Lake in the 2024 Arizona Senate election.

Capelobo – YES

The Brazilian Cryptid did in fact journey north to the Capitol on January 6th. However, it was soon discovered that the Capelobo was not in fact participating but there as an agent for the Brazilian government to extradite former Representative Geroge Santos to Brazil for alleged crimes. The Capelobo was unsuccessful due to the unexpected large crowd and Santos changing wigs and Birkin bags to remain in the United States.

Mothman – NO

Mothman was not present and took to social media to denounce the actions as they were ongoing. The queer icon of West Virginia went on to target West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin for not releasing a stronger statement and for further actions inhibiting the Biden administration. Mothman is currently making rounds in political circles eyeing the soon departing Manchin’s Senate seat.

Loveland Frog – YES

The Loveland Frog was present and participating as it is from Ohio.

Nessie of Loch Ness – NO

Nessie was not present in the United States at the time because they were fighting against Brexit and for Scottish Independence. Loch Ness is anti-facist and has been since the time of James I. They called the insurrection, “a purely American matter as my focus remains committed to a free Scotland that is connected through diplomatic means to a wider Europe.”

Dover Demon – YES

The Dover Demon attended the rally under the impression that it was a Phish concert but quickly absconded once the true intent was revealed. He was seen later that day in Georgetown before catching the late afternoon Acela back to Boston.

Chupacabra – NO

The Puerto Rican liberator was in San Juan marching against the territory’s government for a continued lack of action to the series of Hurricanes that hit the island, the abysmal response to the COVID pandemic, the weakening power grid that has made daily life difficult. In response to an interview request, the Chupacabra sent back this message: “Abajo los imperialistas, luchamos por un Puerto Rico independiente y desencadenado.” (ENGLISH TRANSLATION: “Down with the imperialists, we strive for an independent and unchained Puerto Rico.”)

Champ – YES

It was recently discovered in an underwater bunker that Lake Champlain’s own Champ is in fact Q from the QANON conspiracies. Champ was present and leading a faction of the insurrectionists who scaled the walls of the U.S. Capitol. Champ is now being held for crimes of conspiracy to obstruct a joint session of Congress, obstructing a joint session of Congress, and criminal conspiracy to defraud the United States. Additional crimes are forthcoming in a sealed Department of Justice indictment.