DOGE FAQ For Federal Employees Returning to the Office

Question: What are the core hours we are expected in the office?

Answer: 8:00a – 4:30p

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Question: Are we still allowed to use our accrued annual leave?

Answer: Of course! Just not for vacation or medical appointments since we don’t believe in fun or wellness. Leave can be used for church and appointments at your local Tesla dealer.

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Question: Will the public restrooms be available for employee use?

Answer: Definitely. We aren’t savages. What did you think, we’d provide each employee with their own bucket? Come to think of it…

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Question: Can I telework on Friday’s if I wear a MAGA hat and cut off jean shorts to the office M-Th?

Answer: Yes. Of course. ‘Merica!

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Question: Are we still entitled to lunch breaks?

Answer: Yes, but bringing food from home is prohibited as we don’t want hippie salads infiltrating the workforce. You must only frequent restaurants from the pre-approved list located here:

1. Chick-fil-A

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Question: Will employees be allowed to use scented candles in their offices?

Answer: Yes, but the approved scents are patriotism, tobacco, and Coors Light.

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Question: I have a map of the United States in my office. Since it includes states that still believe in freedom of speech and inclusiveness, can I display it?

Answer: No. Please obtain a civil war map that includes only the states belonging to the confederacy.

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Question: Are we still allowed to use hand sanitizers to minimize chances of infection or is that too closely tied to vaccinations?

Answer: If you are a federal employee who believes in the use of hand sanitizing and still has your job, then we haven’t done ours. So, yes, you can use it.

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Question: Recently we were told that we had to use our full legal name in our signature blocks. What if your full name is Willie B. Hardigan?

Answer: That’s funny. Please use Willie B. Hardigan.