Famous Movie Quotes Rewritten By Cardio Junkies
“Of all the Equinox gyms, in all the cities, in all the world, she walks into mine and takes the last vacant elliptical.”
Scarface
“Say ‘hello’ to my little friend! It’s my new Garmin smartwatch and it tracks calories burned, blood oxygen levels, and the number of times I bring up the Chicago Marathon in conversations.”
Psycho
“A boy’s best friend is his Peloton.”
Gladiator
“My name is Maximus Gluteus Medius, commander of the armies of the Iliac Crest. General of the Iliotibial Tract. Loyal patient to my physical therapist, Medial Malleolus. Father to a kickboxing son, husband to a triathlete wife, coach to my local run club. And I will be awarded my pewter finisher medal in this upcoming Gobble Gobble Turkey Trot.”
Taxi Driver
“You talkin’ to me? No, but seriously, I was doing water aerobics and couldn’t hear you over the oldies playlist.”
The Dark Knight
“Why so serious? Let’s put a smile on that face—with a popular circuit training of 10 jumping jacks, 8 burpees, and 5 miles of open water swimming.”
Taken
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for a free HIIT class, I can tell you, I ran out of my quarterly guest passes. But what I do have are a very particular set of cardiovascular fitness skills, skills I have acquired over a 20-week training cycle.”
Jerry Maguire
“Show me the Strava stats!”
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
“Life moves pretty fast when you’re running fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss the port-o-potty during the 10K.”
The Matrix
“You take the blue pill, the runner’s high ends, you wake up in your bed and ice your throbbing quadriceps. You take the red pill, you stay in a state of cardio-induced euphoria and I show you how never-ending the StairMaster really is. By the way, the red pill is a post-workout beetroot supplement.”
Pulp Fiction
“I do believe Maximus Gluteus Medius, my type-two-fun-loving husband, your personal trainer, told you to do whatever I wanted to raise my heart rate above 150 beats per minute. Now I wanna go to a Peloton class. I wanna cycle to the Golden Oldies playlist and sweat buckets.”
Trainspotting
“Choose rest. Choose a nap. Choose a fucking big bag of Doritos. Choose white noise machines, spas, recreational reading, and eucalyptus aromatherapy. Choose woodworking and pottery classes without sweat rashes on your inner thighs. Choose Cheez-Its and Oreos. And more Doritos. Choose blister-free feet. Choose R&R and wondering who the fuck you are at a boozy Sunday bottomless brunch. Choose curling up on your La-Z-Boy recliner binge watching Love Island for the twelfth time, stuffing fucking balsamic beets into your mouth, all without a hamstring pull. Choose sleeping in at the end of it all, snoozing your last under the warm embrace of a polyester weighted blanket, nothing more than a chafe-free sloth to the serene, well-rested crocheters you have spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your hammock. Choose rest. But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose rest. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got endorphins?”
Forrest Gump
“Sprint, Forrest, sprint!”
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Jennifer is a writer living in New York City.
