Items in My House Ranked by How Quickly They Slid Down the Guggenheim Ramp

According to organizing guru Marie Kondo, if an item doesn’t spark joy, then you should get rid of it. While I agree with Kondo’s philosophy, I’ve taken this concept one step further: If the item doesn’t slide down the Guggenheim Museum ramp smoothly, it’s time to say goodbye. It’s as simple as that.

You can trust that Frank Lloyd Wright understood what should and shouldn’t fit into your home when he created this epic middle finger to stairs that has bedeviled museum goers since 1959. Wright designed with harmony in mind, and this extends to items in your junk drawer. Here are just a few samples of the thousands of items I have slid down the Guggenheim ramp:

---

 

1. An iPhone 6 Charger With the Weirdly Wide Plug

Starting on the top and releasing the charger, it rolled only for a moment before losing momentum and nearly tripping a blue-haired 92Y patron admiring a Kandinsky. Considering I haven’t used it since 2016 this wasn’t a huge loss.

Slide score: 0/10. Not keeping.

 

2. Various Backsplash Tile Samples

I had a friend who was dabbling in the backsplash design industry (a genre of art tragically overlooked by the stuffy Guggenheim curators). I crowdfunded one too many of her early works, and needed to get rid of some tiles. The weight of the ceramic was not ideal and immediately halted mid-ramp. The colors did fit into the museum’s aesthetic, so partial points were awarded.

Slide score: 2/10. Not keeping.

 

3. Signed Copy of Infinite Jest

Although it’s one of my prized possessions, I knew that David Foster Wallace would not want to be an exception to the rule. To my delight and astonishment, it made its way down not one but two layers of the spiral* before starting to slow. I felt tears form when I realized it wasn’t going to make it all the way to the bottom. I will miss it forever.

 

*Causing the 92Y patron to lose her footing

Slide score: 3/10. Not keeping.

 

4. Edible Arrangement Watermelon Basket

In terms of rolling, it did quite well, even with the carved handle. Several tourists started photographing the watermelon as though it were a live art show. However, it hit Édouard Manet’s Before the Mirror midway down and exploded on a wall. Security did not appreciate the mess, but fortunately could not identify me as the watermelon releaser.

Slide score: 5/10. Exploded. 

 

5. Glass-Blown Globe

One of the last things my grandfather gave me before he passed away was his handmade glass-blown globe. It had been his dream to travel around the world. “Although I never made it, I put all my hopes into this globe. I want you to have it.” It shattered on the third to last spiral.

Slide score: 6/10. Like Grandpa, no longer with us. 

 

6. Ceramic Penguin Wearing A Top Hat

This little guy is a survivor. He rolled past the increasingly suspicious security guards before bouncing off some lady’s shoe, flying past Picasso’s Woman with Yellow Hair and landing in the back of a stroller. He rode the descent in style with the penguin tipping his hat at me.

Slide score: 8/10. Would keep, but alas he traded in martini hour for watching Bluey.

 

7. DVD of Under The Tuscan Sun 

You’ll never believe that this is the item that successfully ricocheted all the way down while I was running from the museum’s security guards. Much like Diane Lane’s character, this DVD case is resilient and deserves our respect.

Slide score: 9/10. Keeping.

 

8. Artforum Magazine

After losing my grandfather’s glass-blown globe and my signed copy of Infinite Jest, I really had to question my methodology. But my apartment was far less crowded than it ever had been and my inner minimalist was delighted. Hadn’t that been my goal all along?

 

On top of all that, a reporter from Artforum reached out and wanted to do a cover story about my process. After the publication of the magazine, I released the print edition down the ramp. Security was not pleased with yet another object being thrown, but I wore my backpack in the front, so ultimately they didn’t care.

 

Slide score: 10/10. The magazine only made it midway, but my journey is now fully complete.