As the consistent winner of the streaming wars (suck it Netflix!), we here at HBO are excited to put a spotlight on some of our most popular shows as a reminder that you definitely shouldn’t cancel your subscription. Please.
Rich People Being Absolute Lunatics
Rich people, they’re just like us except that they fly on private jets, wear designer clothes, and murder each other to get control of the company/trust fund/company that gives out trust funds.They all have rich people’s names like “Beauregard”,“Arabella”, and “Dow Jones”, and you’ll love watching how bitchy and out of touch they are while being disgusted that they have absolutely no consequences for their terrible actions. Ogle the giant apartments and luxury vacation villas as they scurry around and try to cover up clandestine sex tapes, which are just like normal sex tapes except these are on satin sheets.
Epic Fantasy Show That Costs A Trillion Dollars
Nerds are hot now baby! This show has dragons and sword fighting and people whose names have an abundance of “y”s. It’s a total masterclass in intricate world-building, but you won’t be able to appreciate any of that because it almost exclusively takes place in dingy basements and shadow realms and under the most overcast sky you’ve ever seen in your life. Sorry lighting technicians! The weather just isn’t great in Eastedshire or Draeksdom or Kräydroôsigstønéburge.Every episode feels like it’s three hours long because characters take long, dramatic pauses as they talk about who…will take over…the kingdom, but we have more than enough gory battle scenes to keep things interesting. That and sexy elf boobs.
Iconic Show From The 90’s
This show is a staple of TV history, a titan of the television canon due to how progressive and radical it was – though this was back when being radical was dropping a few F-bombs or showing half a boob. You’ll reminisce about the simplicity of the ‘90s as you watch the characters smoke indoors and use landlines. And yes, ok, some parts of this show haven’t aged particularly well. Its gender politics range from “slightly offensive” to “something that an incel would post on Reddit”, its portrayals of minority characters are so bad even your racist uncle would blush, and its representations of sexuality are uh…well we’ve learned a lot since then ok? But awww, clunky computers! Platform flip flops! Mapquest printouts!
High School Show About Edgy Teens And Their Edgy Problems
This is not your grandmother’s coming of age show – these teens are cool! They speak in slang that will become obsolete fifteen seconds after the episode premieres, wear hip outfits, and never have to deal with stuff you grew up with, like unloading the dishwasher or helping your mom tweeze her chin hairs. These teens are played by people well into their 20s, so to help make them look younger, we’ve hired actors in their late 20s to play their parents. Hell, we even made the crusty, boring guidance counselors hot! The kids drink and smoke and fuck and do cocaine off each other’s iPhones while they post a Tik Tok about Instagramming a Snapchat. We trust that the 30-year-olds in the writers room are engaging in all those trends correctly.
Gritty Crime Miniseries That Actors Will Do For A Drama Emmy Nod
Forget all the sleek, sexy stuff from earlier, this show is so grungy that the people solving the murder case don’t look much better than the corpse of the actual murdered person. This show has everything you want in a crime thriller – a small town, where “things like this” don’t happen, a sweet, innocent girl who didn’t deserve her fate, people drinking coffee out of styrofoam cups, and so many red herrings it may as well be an aquarium exhibit. And do we sense a dark, traumatic secret hidden in the past of our head detective/police officer/blogger? You bet we do! And they are adamant that the aforementioned secret didn’t have any part in their divorce, or the fact that they regularly kick back whiskey shots at 3pm.
High-Brow, Esoteric Sitcom That Actors Will Do For A Comedy Emmy Nod
Your friends who read The Paris Review are absolutely creaming their khakis talking about how funny this show is. But not in a funny, laugh out loud way, more like it’s funny how clever it is, you know? This script is just absolutely bursting at the seams with intricate puns about Søren Kierkegaard and impeccably constructed one-liners about Jean Paul Sartre’s work. Even the “dumb” people on this show use words that are so long they take up two subtitle lines. Sure, this will make you feel a deep shame for the time you accidentally called a fork a “spoon with fingers”, but at least you’ll be able to brag to your coworkers about your highbrow taste in television.
The one show on HBO without smoking, drinking, murder, or sex. Unless you’d be into that…?
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MICHELLE COHN is a Brooklyn-based writer and pop culture enthusiast. Her work has been featured on Vulture, Paste Magazine, The Take, Electric Literature, McSweeney’s, and Reductress among other sites.
She is also the founder of The Arts + Culture Section, a newsletter about arts, culture, and society.
She is tired.