Jesse Watters’ Unblemished Record of Heterosexuality

Fox News host Jesse Watters said of Donald Trump’s mugshot: “I say this with an unblemished record of heterosexuality: he looks good, and he looks hard.”

Age 16

Lost virginity to high school girlfriend Jane Doe, a real girl who went to my high school but has since changed her last name, her first name, and all distinguishing physical characteristics so no one can ever look her up.


Age 18

Had so much straight sex during college it was hard to record it all, but it definitely happened and you can ask my roommate, who disappeared without a trace over 20 years ago.  But one encounter I remember very clearly was with a woman named Lady. Lady was extraordinarily sexy with cabbage-shaped breasts and, like all women – with whom I am very familiar sexually – always wore a lace teddy with a garter and stockings like in the porno mags my roommate (RIP) had.


Age 23

Decided to stop being such a heterosexual casanova and settled down for a bit with a girlfriend, with whom I had sex at least five times every single day of our relationship.  That’s just how strong my straight sex drive is.  I just loved having my manly genitals near her feminine genitals until we both gave up, I mean experienced electrifying simultaneous climax. In a weird coincidence, she also is impossible to contact to verify all this due to her relocating to a remote island in the Adriatic Sea.  Luckily I wrote our record down myself, which, as all conservatives know, is always a completely accurate and comprehensive account of the whole truth.


Age 25

Had a bit of a dry spell for a few years here if I’m being honest, but at no time did I consider or undertake any sexual activity that could blemish my record.  No, I held strong, no matter how much women were repulsed by me or I was strangely attracted to a male host of a new popular television reality show.  Sure I watched every night (when there weren’t new episodes I rewatched old ones) drawn in almost hypnotically by the alluring strawberry blonde god on my screen. Alluring as a friend or a golfing buddy, of course. That’s why all the posters of him I had in my room were of him playing sports. They were just on the ceiling so I could learn winning form from this good golfer/athlete. And coincidentally I also began working at a news network that would someday help finally place this stunning man I adored in his rightful place above me, and above all Americans, as our President.


Age 31

The ole hetero bug bit me hard in 2009, and not just because a few friends suggested that I stop staring at posters of a man on my ceiling and get out of the house and act like a conservative. So I married my first wife – a woman. And like all married couples, we had sex every single day of our marriage. If you ask her about this, she will probably just lie and say I was too obsessed with making that gorgeous former reality show host president to ever be intimate with her.  Eventually our relationship ended, but only because, in the tradition of the party of family values,  I was so heterosexual that I was also having sex with another woman. Sure it could be tiring to have sex with two women in one day for a while, but that’s just every straight man’s life for you!


Age 41

Back to only having sex with one woman every day, replicated my first marriage pretty well – as I always say, a heterosexual nuclear family is so nice, I’ve created one twice!  It wasn’t to prove anything to anyone or to distract me from my overwhelming fear that a strapping, powerful golfer/athlete, who may no longer be on my ceiling but is always on my mind, might not win reelection. And, unrelated entirely, I made a point to spend more and more of my time cruelly speaking out against LGBTQ+ people and causes.  I wouldn’t want children to learn that they have a right to be accepted for who they are instead of having to continually convince themselves and everyone else that they are something they are not by doing something ridiculous like bragging about their record of heterosexuality on national television.


Age 45

Asserted record of heterosexuality on national television, a normal thing all completely straight men to do. I paired that assertion with a comment explicitly praising a man I’ve been obsessed with for years for his physical appearance and called him “hard,” which some have grossly misinterpreted as sounding sexual. Maybe that is something a man who is attracted to another man might say, but I wouldn’t know because of my unrelenting heterosexuality which, again, I felt I had to make extremely clear for absolutely no reason at all.