Who Said It: Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth or a Samuel L. Jackson Character?
“No more beardos!” “I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.” “Mankind is the virus, and I am the cure.” And more!
Entries by Meg Reid
Reasons I Am Sitting in Someone’s Lap on the Subway
Apparently, neon vinyl pants are now in style, and this stranger’s lap was indistinguishable to me from the bright orange and yellow seats. To be honest, I’m still not sure if I’m sitting in a person’s lap or in a seat in which someone left behind a pair of sunglasses and a wig.
I Can’t Believe Insulting, Threatening, and Refusing to Work With Government Employees Didn’t Improve The Government
How dare people criticize a man who really did all he could to offend and alienate every single government worker, using an innovative mix of incompetence and cruelty.
My Dog Eats His Own Puke Because He Is a Strategic Genius
You’ll never believe what my genius dog did yesterday! He came across a huge mess in our house and immediately devised a way to clean it up, all by himself. I’m so impressed that he quickly found a solution to a problem that could have really inconvenienced our whole household. The only way I could be prouder of him is if he wasn’t the one who made the mess in the first place.
The Best Way to Improve Government Efficiency is More Email
Why am I, a private citizen, recommending federal personnel actions on social media? How am I literally running the entire government right now? The answer to all of those questions is that hundreds of elected officials are just straight up letting me. I honestly did not think it would be this easy.
Options To Replace The “End Racism” Super Bowl Message That Align With The Trump Administration
Let’s Just Say We Ended Racism
Resume Racism
Choose Whiteness, and more!
J.D. Vance’s Inauguration Day Schedule
10:15am: Show up early to inauguration venue and realize he forgot ID. Go back to get it because no one recognizes him.
Christmas Songs For Spinsters
O Horny Night, You’re a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!
What I Think J.D. Vance’s Initials Stand For, Based on His Candidacy So Far
Joyless Dud, Jinxed Decision, Jingoistic Dumbass, and more!
How I Feel About U.S. Olympic Pommel Horse Specialist Stephen Nedoroscik or Democratic VP Candidate Tim Walz?
The glasses-wearing community thanks him. I’m excited to watch him continue to crush the competition. I love his cat. And more!
The Best Bang For Your Buck
Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! And more in this list by Meg Reid illustrated by Katy Maiolatesi.
Product Name Pitches For The New Team USA Women’s Olympic Uniform
Lady Liberty Labia Lance, Beaver Balance Beam, USA FUPA Finder, and more!
Millennials Are Doing Fine Which is Why We Are Tweeting Cries For Help at Sesame Street Characters
So yeah, we are all doing really well. What is less indicative of trauma than collectively regressing to an almost childlike state to desperately seek solace in that which comforted us in our youth? As for me personally, I’ll be even better as soon as Bert and Ernie answer the 117 posts I’ve made since yesterday begging them to adopt me as an adult…
Are You Living Through Menopause Or The Climate Crisis?
Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!
Jesse Watters’ Unblemished Record of Heterosexuality
Age 16: Lost virginity to high school girlfriend Jane Doe, a real girl who went to my high school but has since changed her last name, her first name, and all distinguishing physical characteristics so no one can ever look her up.
Breaking: Women Across the US Overreact to Losing a Basic Human Right
But not everyone was reacting inappropriately. “Just because you lose one of the most fundamental human rights doesn’t mean you girls have to get your panties in a wad. It’s Friday, let’s just have a fun weekend!” a man, who will never face any of the life-and-death consequences of this ruling, calmly and reasonably reacted.
The Boner Ban Bill, Because Life Begins at Erection
The clear solution is to simply replace contentious laws regulating uteruses with a sure to be less contentious national law that regulates reproductive organs that can’t get pregnant: penises. I can’t believe a Congress that is three-quarters men hasn’t considered this yet!
Relax Ladies – I’m Totally Ready to be an Unintended Dad
Don’t worry, I’m ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average.