Jonathan Franzen’s Other Rules For Novelists

Recently, Jonathan Franzen’s 10 rules for novelists — originally written in 2010 for The Guardian — have been the subject of speculation and criticism on social media. What many readers don’t know, however, is that Franzen’s list was originally twice as long. Here, then, is the rest of his advice.

---

JONATHAN FRANZEN’S 11TH THROUGH 20TH RULES FOR NOVELISTS

 

11.

Good novels are written with feathers dipped into inkwells. It is as true now as it was in the 1980s.

 

12.

Never use the following words: comfy, quince, sofa, preponderance, Tuesday, and trout. Especially trout.

 

13.

Treat the reader like you would treat your own mother — distantly but politely. Call the reader once a year but no more.

 

14.

No one named Kyle has ever written anything worth reading.

 

15.

Never let an editor pay you in pork chops.

 

16.

If you go into any Denny’s and tell the waitress you’re a best-selling novelist, you can get half off on eggs. (Must bring newspaper clipping as proof.)

 

17.

Do not touch my car. Nobody touches that car but me. I realize this is not specifically a rule for novelists, but I want to make this point very clear. Hands off the Acura, capisce?

 

18.

Include at least a little nudity every third chapter or so to keep the reader interested. Like maybe your main character is wearing white tennis shorts and one of his balls falls out while he’s jogging. Just a suggestion to you from me, Jonathan Franzen.

 

19.

Adjectives are for the weak. If you can’t tell your story with nouns, pronouns, verbs, prepositions, conjunctions, interjections, and adverbs, it can’t be told.

 

20.

You know what? No adverbs either. What are you, five years old? Grow up.

 

---