Lesser Known Bodies of Everest

Tired of seeing all those normal frozen hikers? See what Everest doesn't want you to see! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

Famous Movie Lines Had They Used A.I.

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot'

It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It's so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!

Your Dog's Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs 'em? Look, I haven't forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn't allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.

What I’ve Learned Moving From New York To LA 

When you’re so depressed that you sleep through a beautiful day, you don’t have to feel guilty because it’ll still be beautiful out tomorrow. There’s a much greater diversity of industries in Los Angeles than I assumed: You can work in film, television, or film and television. And more!

Things That Go Bundt In The Night: Treats To Terrify Your Taste Buds

Magic Ate Ball: A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy.

You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World

Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

How I Met Your Show Runner

ESPN's 'How I Met Your Father's Bookie' and more "How I Met Your...' in development!

Swipe Left Club

Not everybody gets swiped right on dating APPs. Some people get swiped left. Chalk it up to a bad haircut, a sick fetish, or a prison record, but some people just have that certain je ne sais quoi that can only be found in books, though not bestsellers. Excerpted from SwipeLeftClub.com a new illustrated series by J.C. Duffy.

A Viewer’s Guide to What Would Have Been the 79th Annual Golden Globes

A moment will occur, which people will talk about on social media and meme to high heaven. Most likely a saucy comment made by a British winner or a funny face made by an awkward bystander that is up on stage but doesn’t get to speak into the microphone.

Top Humor Books Gift Guide 2021

Between supply chain shortages, lingering pandemic, and the de facto legalization of coup attempts, everything is still a mess, and we know you’ve been too preoccupied with your ongoing nervous breakdown to get your shopping done. Lucky for you, Humorist Books is here with our 2021 Holiday Humor Book Gift Guide!

The Email Graveyard

95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

Little-Known Backstories of Misunderstood Halloween Candies

A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays -  tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!

Variants of Benedict Cumberbatch We Expect to See in The Multiverse of Madness

Megabit Colormatch, Bedouin Stumbled Back, Benadryl McCumber Act, and more!

WHO TED IT: Lasso or Nugent?

“As the man once said, the harder you work, the luckier you get.” “Every hateful statement ever made about me is a dirty lie.” And more!

Chores That I Absolutely Won't Get To This Weekend

Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard. Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill. Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection. And more!

Truly Terrible Signs That You're at a Crummy Nude Beach

Even the crabs have crabs.

Alternative Uses for Your Masks Once the Pandemic is Over

Hamster Hammock, Tiny Purse, Water Balloon Sling, and more in this illustrated list.

Rejected Names For Trump's New Social Media Site 'GETTR'

GRIFTTR, GRABBR, SUCKKR, and more!

Questions About Having a Conversation (That I’m Only Asking Out of Curiosity)

How often should I take a sip of my drink to avoid answering? How long can I fake sip on an empty glass until someone notices? How long can I fake sip out of a fake glass until I notice?

NFTs You Might Want To Buy From Me

These are going fast and you do not want to be left out! Illustrated list by Tiny Beast Comics.

Honest with Your Self-Care Mantras

You are enough, but just barely. Practice saying no, but then cave and say yes. And more.

Truly Terrible TV/Movie Pitches

Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.

5 Ways to Make Your Pandemic Anniversary the Best on the Block

Start your pandemic anniversary off on the right foot with everyone’s favorite isolation comfort food. Candles optional but highly encouraged.

Trump “Will Return in Some Form”

A fly, Lo-Flo Toilet, A Bad Smell, Mitch McConnell's Hemorrhoid Pillow, and other manifestations Trump might return as.

Truly Terrible Signs That Your BFF Chelsea Is A Hobgoblin

Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She's been looking at David's Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!

Questions That Future Generations Might Have About Video Stores

If the video store wasn’t open, but you wanted to watch something, did you just break in and take what you wanted or did you scream at the top of your lungs until something eventually happened?

Offline Dating and Other Things to Try After the Pandemic

So many new things to soon explore! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

Modern Valentine's Day Cards

You make my heart 'Zoom' and more!

Trump No Longer President? Here’s 50 Things To Stress You Out Instead

Instagram notifying someone when you screenshot their story, Accidentally liking someone’s Instagram photo from six years ago, Accidentally liking your ex’s photo on Instagram from six seconds ago, and more!

Names for Trump’s New Political Party

Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!

Illustrated List: Baskets, Ranked

Easter Basket, Keister Basket, and more! (Who you calling a basket case?!)

How To Tell If Your Gang Isn't As Tough As You Think It Is...

If you happen to notice the members of another gang wearing your gang colors, you compliment them on their bold and stylish fashion choices. And more!

Top Ten Numbers 1 Through 10 of 2020

Who will be the number 1 number of 2020? We can't wait to find out! Eeeeeeeee!

For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)

29. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize public safety by refusing to wear a face mask) 30. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize a good time by refusing to watch Fox’s “The Masked Singer”) and more!

Titles, Explained

Detective: Just about the only one who’s isn’t afraid to find out what’s really going on here. Lieutenant: A company man who started out as a good cop (sure, maybe too much of an idealist back then, but who wasn’t? Those were different times.) yet now understands that you have to play their game to make captain—and if that means turning a blind eye to some of the stuff that goes on around here, so be it. And more!

Upcoming Headlines We're Sure To See...

"Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present" "Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol" And more.

Other Channels Answer to Shark Week

Tough to compete with Shark Week, but channels have to try! Illustrated list by Bob Eckstein.

Beloved Children’s Classics That Will Trigger Your Crippling Anxiety

Goodnight Moon- You will never say goodnight to anything, thanks to your insomnia. 

Daily Affirmations For Better Zoom Meetings

Keep calm and pray for good Wi-Fi. Check out this great comic by Tiny Beast Comics!

Rejected Candy Slogans

Whatchamacallit: A shenanigan wrapped in a kerfuffle. Snickers: Do you love the smell of nougat in the morning? Aero: Chocolate-covered nothing. And more!

What I Imagine Happens When Your Tweet Goes Viral

Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you, You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you, and more!

Things A Dad Should Not Say To His Class Of 2020 Daughter On Prom Night

The big positive is that in 25 years nobody will be able to point to your prom photos and say, "Can you believe you ever wore your hair like that?"

Romantic E-Cards for the Pandemic

Let those quaran-crushes know how you feel!

COVID-19 Pickup Lines

Do you come here to panic buy often?

A Guide to Your Chocolate Sampler Box

Cherry Cordial: Simple and sweet. Like the beginning of a relationship, before it’s clear that your partner is incapable of remembering your Wheaten terrier’s birthday. And more!

What Excites An Exclamation Point

Accentuate the positive!!!! But don't overdo it.

John Lennon’s Tweets Regarding Last Night’s Fallon Appearance

The cancellation of celebs knows no bounds.

The Latest Batch Of Rejected Ben & Jerry's Flavors

Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.

Other Candle Scents GOOP Is Developing

This Smells Like I Remember When You Told Me My Vagina Smelled Great, Brad 

My Petitions

Extend The 'Five-Second Rule' To Food I've Dropped On The Floor To The End Of The Current Business Day, and more.

Obituaries for Your New Years Resolutions

Exercise More, thirty seconds old, passed away of exhaustion from a light run on an elliptical machine at an LA Fitness, when you felt so sore that you decided you never wanted to exercise again or at least until 2021, when this cycle will inevitably repeat.

Unfulfilled New Year's Resolutions (So Far)

Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you're wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you've earned it.

What's OUT and What's IN for 2020

OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you've run over in your truck. And More.

Fad Diets To Try In The New Year

The New Paleo Diet: Only eat food you can grab with your short T-Rex arms. Triceratops is recommended.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s New Years Resolutions

You’ve got a lot to do in the new year, so let’s get this mirror pep talk started! It’s time for some New Year’s Resolutions!

LIST: Weekly Humorist’s Top 10 List Of The Top 10 ‘Top 10 Lists’ Of The 2010’s

Over the past 10 years, we all read thousands of phenomenal Top 10 listicles. Here now is the definitive list of Weekly Humorist’s top 10 picks for the Top 10 ‘Top 10 lists’ of the 2010’s. Please enjoy!

Don’t Get in a Stranger’s Van, Charlie Brown and 10 Other Rejected Peanuts TV Specials

Has Anyone Seen Charlie Brown’s Bong? Pig Pen Gets…

What You Need To Know While Watching The Televised Impeachment Hearings

These are the first impeachment proceedings in over two decades, as well as the 238th impeachable offense that has occurred during the Trump presidency.

Honest New York Signs

Know before you go! An illustration list, written by Evan Allgood, and illustrated by Evan Lian.

Other Movies We Should Also Add James Dean Into, Now That This Is Something That We, As A Society, Do Apparently

Well, looks like we’ve opened up Pandora’s box, folks! An upcoming independent film will be digitally adding James Dean into it, further blurring the increasingly-tenuous line between CGI and reality.  However, since this is something that we, as a society, are apparently cool with doing now… here are a few more movies that we should digitally insert James Dean into!

Moscow Mitch In Soviet America

“In America, women have rights over their wombs. In Soviet America, women have rights as long as they are still in the womb!”

Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and 15 Other Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite Pro Sports Team Names. # 6 Will Make You Want To Stand Up And Start The Wave 

NY Jet Blues, Chicago Bear Sterns , Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and more!

The Lulling Sounds of Autumn

The pouring of hot cocoa or maybe cider. Are the crickets getting closer?

When Advertisers Set Their Sites On Beloved Children's Literature Classics

Love You Forever 21, Oil Of Olay Wrinkle Cream In Time, and more!

Heroic Cover-Up Stories for Embarrassing Injuries

So you…Broke your arm while dream-fencing. / Say you… broke your arm while real-life fencing. It sounds very noble and you don’t have to worry about follow-up questions because nobody really knows how fencing works.

Bathroom Remodeling Secrets

  There’s no such thing as a dream bathroom, just…

The Joker's Favorite Practical Jokes

Using a sheet of cling-wrap, place a transparent barrier between the seat and lid of your victim's commode.    When they next attempt to use the facilities, they will be in for an unpleasant surprise, as will the Caped Crusader, who will be savagely devoured by a swarm of vicious crocodiles unleashed upon Wayne Enterprises by yours truly!

10 Lyfehacks Thou Needest Immediately In This Yeare Of Our Lorde, Thirteen Hundred And Forty Seven

3. Keepeth A Garden: Roses, carnations and mint will keep away the infernal smell that bringeth the Death from Rat to Man. Hold their petals in a mask around thine face to hold off the Death from claiming your sinful flesh!

The Eight Most Awesome Things About Binge-A-Derm TV, the Patch That Catches You Up on the Television You’ve Missed (Post Sponsored by Binge-A-Derm TV)

Side effects of Binge-A-Derm TV are common, but severe. They include an inability to communicate using anything other than TV references, contempt for anyone who hasn’t seen the latest episode, and nausea. Cool!

Examples of Accidental Magic

In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

New Product Ideas From The Makers of  “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” Who Are Losing to The Clean Food Movement

“I Can’t Believe You Thought Coconut Oil Would Taste The Same As Butter” “Potato Chips Count As Paleo. Sure." And more.

Things That You'll Need To Know Before Watching The Downton Abbey Movie

Downton Abbey is based on the television show of the same name, and concerns the problems and concerns of a group of unlikable rich white people; oddly enough, it was broadcast on PBS rather than CNN.

Truly Terrible Tailgating Tips

It's been several months, and the treatments do seem to be working, but still, err on the side of caution by steering clear of any tailgates held on a full moon (werewolves only).

Love & Dating Advice Based On The Number Of Letters In Your First Name

Four Letters: You actually met the love of your life yesterday at 6:43 pm. Or you would have if you didn’t insist on getting pho again for like the ninth day in a row. Instead, that person you gave your number to will be ruining your life for the next eleven years.

Gym Alternatives 

Drink so much coffee that your heart rate is the same as it would be if you ran 100 yards. That has the same effect on your body, right?

New Rules for Classic Games

Sorry: In this reboot of the classic board game winning involves finding a way to not say sorry or even accept responsibility for anything you’ve done. Bonus points are awarded if you can find a way to work the phrase “Sorry, not sorry” into an appearance on a mainstream news panel.

All the Made-Up Words Walt Whitman Didn’t Get To: Manahatta was just the beginning

Lakshminskeep (When you see the face of an NPR host and it is not what you imagined in your head) and more.

Tips for Closing Up Your Summer Home 

Did the neighbors see anything? Do they know? What is seen can never be unseen, but dead mouths tell no tales. Act accordingly.

You Are What You Eat 

When you accidentally eat some egg shell, that’s when your big toenail gets impossibly thick. 

Trump's Mocktail Menu

KFC-Breeze: Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn't quite fancy enough for the room.

Mythical Missed Connections

You [Odysseus]: Strapped to the mast of your ship, begging for release. Us [Sirens]: The flock of smoking hot bird-babes perched on the rocks, brutalizing you with our siren song. No one has ever resisted us before! Or since!

Phrases That Could Be in John Hickenlooper's End-of-Campaign Video, Who Knows, No One's Watching It

“And that’s why it’s time for me, John Delaney, to leave the race. Argh, I mean John Hickenlooper! Wow, even I can’t remember me!”

The New Porns

Unwatched 10 episode-per-season, 7-season series on Netflix Porn, Look at me I’m a celebrity who is getting notoriety for something shameful and disgraceful Porn, and more.

Shocking Twists Recalibrated For Cardiac Patients

“Fight Club” – Brad Pitt and Ed Norton turn out to be the same person – when it comes to their taste in room décor. The real first rule of Fight Club? “Do not talk about where you got that adorable area rug!” 

Facebook Birthday Messages From Famous Authors

Dr. Seuss: Today you were born! Don’t look so forlorn! At least you don’t have kids who could find your weird porn.

Conspiracy Fest Summer 2019 Live Music Lineup Announced!

Fluo Rida Lil Nas Vaxx, Chemtrail Brothers and more!

David Byrne’s Other Suits

Three small suits tied together. Medium Suit, tiny David Byrne. Russian nesting suit. And more.

Ultra-Trendy Side Hustles

Explaining rap lyrics to the elderly, and more!

Cereal Prizes for Adults

Windshield wiper, A 15 min nap, A millennial slang decoder ring and more!

Moms at the Beginning of Summer Vs. Moms at the End of Summer

June: “Oh, no, you might have swimmer’s ear. Get in the car, we’ll go straight to urgent care!” August: “Use your other ear.”

5 Types of Cats to Catcall in Place of Real Life Humans

Sphynx Cats: Can’t call your ex-wife ugly to her face anymore? Sami the Sphynx doesn’t give two shits about your troubled past that gave you an inner self hatred that projects onto other people. She’s just a cat! But she bites. So, wear your New Balances.

15 Potential Product Placements of Biblical Proportions #7 Could Get You to Convert

The Wailing Walmart, Virgin Mary Atlantic Airlines, The Three Wise Men’s Warehouse, and more.

Things I’ve Said About Making Hollandaise Sauce or Masturbating

“I swear I’m going to finish, even if it kills me.” “It’s all about rhythm.” “It’s the perfect addition to any breakfast!” And more!

What Your Favorite Salad Dressing Says About You

Ranch Dressing: You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Light Ranch Dressing: You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and more!

The Five Stages of Grief: the Fleabag Jumpsuit Edition

ANGER: How could you be so stupid? On what grounds did you think you could pull off a keyhole front? Are you not intimately familiar with the appalling physics of your own body? You look like you’re wearing two newborns in a sling you haven’t worked out how to use.

Odd Instances Of Cannibalism In Modern Day Pop Culture

Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.

Questions For Robert "Bobby" Mueller

Let's speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient?

OK, so now you’re looking up flights to France? Why? You know you aren’t actually going to go there, you were just looking up “ways to trick my mother in law into thinking I have more money” so, what game are we playing here?

Summer Camps for the Modern Child

Camp Anti-Vaxxer, Camp Smash the Patriarchy, Camp Climate Change Survival and more!

COMIC-CON 2019: Amended Schedule

12:00pm – TRIBUTE: “Hello Kitty - 45 Years of Delighting Girls and Arousing Creeps” 1:00pm – GAMERS DISCUSSION: “What I‘m Told Sunlight Feels Like” and more.

Ways to Refer to a Thing Someone Said Without Actually Calling it Racist

Intolerant, Undertolerant, Tolerance averse, Possessing a mild allergy to tolerance and more.

Truly Terrible Signs That Summer Is Definitely Here

All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.

Improper Uses of “I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your test results were positive.

Are you a Marx Brother or Mark’s Brother?

Marx Brother: Your family is known for its vaudeville comedy acts. Mark’s Brother: Your family is known for not taking down their Christmas lights.

Inadvertent Straight Pride Parades

A Wharton Alumni Reunion, A Zac Brown Band tailgate, A UCB sketch comedy team and more!

Julia Child’s Hangover Cure Recipes 

By the time you piece together the hazy events of last night, you, my dear, will realize that you are in fact the tart in this simple French dish. To “flambé” your tarte, simply add a generous pour of any liqueur of your choice –bypassing the use of a blow torch or flame of any kind—and voila!

Bible Version 2.0: Updated Verses from a God Who Just F'ing Can't Anymore

Ambien 5mg: So it shall be that we would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. Unto which the Lord replied "OMG, can’t I get 5 goddamned minutes to myself?! Daddy is TIRED.”

Only 2180s Kids Will Remember These Sitcoms!

Punk E-Brewster, Newhart 2182, Benson in Space, and more!

What to Do When Your Phone Dies on the Train

Whisper “Siri please” into the rigid husk in your palm.

Depressing Listicles

'12 Things You Should Never Say On A First Date… APPARENTLY!' '1 Mom And 1 Dad Who DO NOT APPROVE Of My Recreational Adult Kickball League!' And more.

Brain Teasers That Tease Your Anxious Brain

If Jessica boards a train at 9:05pm and arrives at her destination one minute after midnight, is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ago?

Memorial Day Picnic Tips

Honor our fallen soldiers by eating mayonnaise-based “salads” that have been sitting in the sun all day. And more.

Little Known Executive Privilege Rights

Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.

Cardi D Minus and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Summer Tours

The Pips, No Gladys, Perturbed Against The Machine, Some Doubt, The Jonas Brothers’ Cousins and more budget concerts coming this summer!

Better 'Game of Thrones' Twist Endings

'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.

Official List Of Other Things That You're Prohibited From Doing In Alabama

Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.

Life Hacks For Hacks

Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.

Trump’s Top 10 WWE Villains & Heros

Pence of Darkness, Jared Babyface Krusher, Mnuchin Man and more.

Children’s Books in the Age of Trump

The Shithole Country Mouse and the City Mouse, The Princess and the Pee Tape, Gulliver’s Travel Ban and more.

Overheard at the Westeros Starbucks

"Is my latte still not here? What, exactly, is the holdup? It's like the Long Night in this place! I'm getting grayscale over here!"

A Midsummer’s Night Big Bang Theory

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Bazinga!

Rejected Names For The Royal Baby

Chunderly, Prince Princely Pooferpants, Brexie and more.

HBO's List of Totally Original, Not At All Adapted New Sitcoms

The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.

What I Think An MFA Is

An MFA is pretending to be obsessed with David Foster Wallace when you really use “Infinite Jest” as a hiding place for the "Divergent” trilogy.

The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

'Teens who prefer Pepsi are unpopular, bad at sports, and will marry ugly people' - George, Douglas and Glenn Davis. 'Slowed Social and Physical Development Due Directly to Pepsi Consumption'. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Subscription Boxes to Help Make Your Passover Seder Manageable

Gefilte fish in a box: Nobody wants this, yet here we are.

Beyoncé's Imagined Presidential Platforms

Political Beliefs: To the left, to the left.

Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.

Shocking Redacted Bits From The Mueller Report

The words, "No Collusion" had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn't even wipe them off of the walls before the next day's tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.

Alternate Endings To Game Of Thrones As Written By Different Writers

Wes Anderson- Jon Snow feels he sticks out like a sore thumb in the Stark family. He and Theon start their own local theatre company, using Theon’s status as a eunuch to their costuming advantage. We find out that the Night King is played by Bill Murray. The soundtrack is eclectic and enchanting.

Little-Known 'Shazam!' Movie Facts

Shazam is a very powerful character from the magic side of the DC Universe, but not quite powerful enough to cast a spell to make the world forget the Justice League movie.

2019 Lollapalooza Act or Font

Ariana Grande, Lulo Clean, Childish Gambino and more 'Font Or Band'. Guys, Comic Sans was snubbed AGAIN.

April Fool's For Safe Spaces

Take a friend out for a nice dinner at a new place in town. Beforehand, print up a fake menu that doesn’t include any gluten-free options. Zing!

Seven Hacks to Make Doing Laundry More Rewarding

You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.

How to Make Baseball More Exciting

Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather. Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet. And more.

Dr. Kit Lively's Signs That You're At A Bad Dentist

They have you wear the dental x-ray apron for protection, as well as a condom. And more.

Cinderella School, 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Brand of Cheese?

Biden, Butler, Babybel and more.

QUIZ: Is it T.S. Eliot or Missy Elliott?

I got a cute face, chubby waist. Thick legs, in shape. / For a similar reason, when game is in season, he is found, not at Fox’s, but Blimpy’s. And more.

Things About Beto That Bother Trump (Even More Than The Wild Hand Gestures)

That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious...

My Signed Book Collection

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.

Updated Religion Slogans for Gen-Z Recruitment

Agnosticism: The Joy of Missing Out, and more.

Prayers to the Internet Algorithm Overlord

You are the purple Lyft light I see, guiding me to the correct path. You are what gets me to my destination, even when I have forgotten what my destination is.

An Absurd And Morally Irresponsible Look Into 2020's Possible Best Picture Nominees

I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he's undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it's first best picture win.