Originals
Matt Gaetz Drops AG Bid Amid Suss Speculations
Former Florida Representative Matt Gaetz announced that he is withdrawing from consideration as President-elect Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general. The reasons may not surprise you.
Venmo transactions get way too much scrutiny at the DOJ level.
The DOJ cafeteria doesn’t serve Jell-O shots.
Realized he’d have to read documents containing more than 280 characters at a time.
Shocked to learn that “Florida Man” isn’t a valid legal precedent.
He thought “judicial review” meant rating courtroom sketches as “hot or not”.
He couldn’t serve warrants by sliding them into your DMs.
Learned that the DOJ’s motto “Qui Pro Domina Justitia Sequitur” is not Latin for “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas”.
Realized “senior staff” wasn’t referring to high school seniors.
None of the DOJ interns would agree to call him “Daddy”.
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J.K. Radomski is a Canadian freelance writer whose words have appeared in newspapers such as The Seattle Post-Intelligencer and The Rocky Mountain News, as well as a number of magazines and trade publications like The Hollywood Reporter. He enjoys one-hit-wonders from the ‘80s, binge watches a lot of TV, drinks Lagavulin, and contemplates the lives of pygmy marmosets in his spare time. Follow him on Twitter @tvwriter
