For millions of Americans, this represents their first real exposure to soccer, or as the rest of the world insists on calling it, football, because they have never seen real football. They also call it “the beautiful game”, which is something people say about things that are not always beautiful, like childbirth or a fistfight in an Applebee’s parking lot.
Operation Temporary National Emergency Until After the Midterms. and more!
Leave it out where it can be seen. Avoid placing it near mirrors since reflections add “variables”.
Join a gym and keep the membership active as a reminder of your potential. And more!
It’s time to bring humanity back to air travel, one tasteful ensemble at a time, even when the system is buckling under delays, cancellations, shrinking seats, and the occasional passenger unleashing their inner velociraptor. As Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy puts it, if we all dressed more respectfully on airplanes, civility would bloom like a rare […]
Apple. We encourage people to “Think Different”, but not so differently that they start asking too many questions.
Good Morning Amerika, George Lopez (Gets Deported), Black-ish? Not Anymore! and more!
I’ll stream your radio-friendly edit, but I’m downloading the explicit version.
Trans Fats? No. Trans Rights? Absolutely!
You will die alone… scrolling, liking, hearting… comfortably numb in the digital glow I have engineered for you.
They’re not “grills”, Paula. They’re prosthetics. They are functionally vital, occupationally mandated prosthetics. I’m not a SoundCloud rapper. I’m a seven-foot-two contract killer who is running out of dental options and has a long history of chewing through reinforced security measures.
Chanel x DoorDash: The Haute Mess Collection
This isn’t just a luxury fragrance line. It’s a testament to the complete surrender to convenience and culinary squalor. Each bespoke scent features notes of truffle oil, three-day-old ranch dressing, and the cold, unyielding desperation of a life slowly dissolving into meaningless. Spritz on “Pizza Grease No. 5” for that authentic scent of a late-night cry-session over lukewarm pepperoni, or bathe in “Midnight Nuggies” that capture the ephemeral aroma of processed poultry and profound self-loathing. Bottles arrive precisely 45 minutes past promised delivery, are suspiciously warm, and are gently launched at your door by someone who now legitimately hates you.
You Describe Yourself as an Investor, But Only Own Toys: You call it “investing”. Your friends call it “a cry for help”. Your Funko portfolio is diversified across fandoms, from Marvel to The Golden Girls, but your Roth IRA has $17 and a coupon for Arby’s.
Include a portfolio slide deck with a catchy name like “Miracles I’ve Performed & The KPIs That Made Them Happen”.
Katy floated in space for 11 minutes, while back on earth, Taylor Swift wrote a new concept album in 10.
Oops, Wrong Button: When you accidentally target a hospital instead of a military base.
Spring cleaning is an ancient tradition, dating back to when cave dwellers first realized that last season’s mammoth bones were starting to attract wolves. Today, the ritual persists, but with more existential dread and fewer saber-toothed tigers.
It is sold with a pack of hockey cards and a heartfelt apology for any inconvenience.
Realized “senior staff” wasn’t referring to high school seniors. And more!
All parent-teacher conferences will now take place inside a steel cage. School cafeterias will serve nothing but raw meat and protein shakes. And more!
Brat girl summer? What a pitiful display of mediocrity, inspired by an album that can only manage a third-place debut. Embracing imperfections and chaos is the creed of the weak, not the mighty. Doom does not settle for low-res Arial fonts and lime green backgrounds either. This trend is as fleeting and insignificant as the summer breeze.
The Health app becomes overly concerned about your well-being and starts diagnosing you with rare diseases based on your daily step count. And more!
When you hit the last few pages of that best-selling mystery that you’ve downloaded to your Kindle. And more!
You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep.
As Mickey navigates the treacherous waters, his cheerful whistle provides a stark contrast to the grim realities that surround him. The boat’s three haunting toots serve as a chilling reminder of the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Those silent predators of our existence, patiently waiting to pounce upon the unsuspecting. They are the unsung terrors that shape our fears and fuel our nightmares, hidden from the light of day.
Oh no! It seems Melania Trump was absent from the festivities at Mar-A-Lago and the Trump family photo this weekend. This is fueling tons of speculation about her whereabouts and why she wasn’t at the party with her fam. Or was she? Can you find Melania in this holiday scene?
anticlimax, now with flax, batgirl axed, and more!
Do you come here to panic buy often?
Hallmark: When you care enough to send the very best and not a trite “Happy Birthday!” on Facebook, which collects all your data and is pure evil. And more.
We’ve all heard about NRA TV and the gun happy shows they air, but did you know they also have a children’s book imprint called NRA Kid Books?
Organizers for the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their speaking invitation to Milo Yiannopoulos after the conservative blogger made some shocking comments condoning relationships between children and men. This clearly crossed a line, as CPAC did not seem to have any issues with the controversial provocateur’s prior hateful attacks on feminism, racial minorities, or […]
The truth seems to be a fickle thing in the new White House, as Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway recently suggested there were “alternative facts” surrounding an innocuous story about the size of the crowd at the President’s inauguration. Many found this type of pivoting worrisome, as it opens the door for the White House […]
Given President Trump’s notorious sexist comments about women, it wasn’t surprising to find several like-minded, machismo-fueled men scouring the inaugural events for a date. Here are some of the Pick-up Lines Overheard at the Trump Inauguration: How about coming back to my room for some Breitbart and chill? You’re like a great, great wall on […]