Substitute Teacher Macho Man Randy Savage Introduces Himself to a Kindergarten Class

Salutations, class. Ms. Rutherford is away today. My name is Mr. Macho Man Randy Savage and, oooooh yeah, I am your supply teacher! You better believe that I am your substitute teacher.

 

Don’t even think about calling me Mr. Macho, Mr. Man, Mr. Randy, or Mr. Savage. The only name I will answer to is Mr. Macho Man Randy Savage. That, or Champ.

 

Yes, I will be wearing these sunglasses for the duration of the day. No, you cannot touch my tassels. Am I going to talk with this intensity for the entire class? Ab-so-lute-ly! Hold any further questions until I’m done.

 

Eyes and ears up front pupils. First thing’s first: I have expectations of each and every one of you. Oooooh yeah, you better follow them if you want to have a smooth and copacetic time together.

 

I demand respect inside of the classroom, outside of the classroom. Everywhere. You have one job today: don’t degrade the champion at any time.

 

Don’t get any silly ideas, class. I remember the shenanigans we used to play on substitute teachers. It was like having a holiday at school. There will be no funny business with me! I don’t want to hear any laughs, see any smirks, and, boy, there better not be any guffaws.

 

Do you know what rhymes with chuckle? Sandwich! Knuckle sandwich.

 

I didn’t win the Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship belt only to be disrespected by a bunch of smarmy school children. No, sir.

 

Ms. Rutherford said that if anyone continues to misbehave after they’ve been given a warning that I should send you to the principal. I’m not going to let anyone off that easily, brother. No, I’ve been maligned from the top before and I won’t let it happen again. Mr. Macho Man Randy Savage resolves his own classroom conflicts!

 

When it comes to nap time, it’s lights out. You have two options: go to sleep or be put to sleep. And you won’t get your blanky when I pin you against the canvas for the 10 count, no sir. Who’s talking? It’s like the most important man in the world is here and you got a conversation going on with each other.

 

Zip your lips and put your listening ears on cause Mr. Macho Man Randy Savage won’t stand for whispers, murmurs, or talking in any hushed tones. It’s the Champion’s prerogative that you pay attention.

 

Rules, rules, rules. There’s always someone who wants to bend the rules. Let me use this ruler to show you just what happens when you try to bend the rules. You see how the ruler is buckling under my force? You see how it’s starting to splinter? BAM! That’s what happens when you try to bend the rules, kiddos. I’m going to snap just like this ruler and it’s not going to be pretty.

 

Why are so many of you crying? You don’t need to fear Mr. Macho Man Randy Savage unless you’re planning on usurping his authority. Are any of you planning on usurping my authority? Do any of you know what “usurping” means? Well, it looks like we just found our word of the day.

 

Now that you’ve all dried your eyes, I’ve got good news: courtesy of the fine folks at Conagra Brands, everyone gets to snap into a Slim Jim at nutrition break. Ohhhhhh yeah!

 

I see a raised hand. Would you like to ask a question at this particular time, would you like to do that? Your teacher’s name isn’t Ms. Rutherford? Well, it looks like there was some sort of mix-up and I’m in the wrong class. Consider yourselves lucky that you were graced by the presence of the Champ.

 

I must have gotten turned around, this is my first time at McMahon Elementary. This isn’t McMahon Elementary? Oh, brother.