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I’m Bombarding You With Texts Before Election Day So You’ll Definitely Vote for Me

9:32 AM — Hi! I’m your state’s Republican candidate for Governor. I got your number from some voter registry list. Can I count on your support this Election Day? I’m texting you because I don’t trust the polls and figure if I slide into your phone without consent, you’ll definitely vote for me. 9:33 AM —If you want to opt out of these messages reply “STOP” and I’ll continue sending them to you.

My Aunt’s Facebook Status Election Coverage

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate squirrels? I swear they’re taking over this country. Vote to keep out the squirrels! HAHA. I pepper spray them and they don’t even move.