Originals

I’m Bombarding You With Texts Before Election Day So You’ll Definitely Vote for Me

9:32 AM — Hi! I’m your state’s Republican candidate for Governor. I got your number from some voter registry list. Can I count on your support this Election Day? I’m texting you because I don’t trust the polls and figure if I slide into your phone without consent, you’ll definitely vote for me.

9:33 AM If you want to opt out of these messages reply “STOP” and I’ll continue sending them to you.


12:24 PM — Hey, it’s me again. I didn’t hear back from you so I am checking in to make sure you’re voting for me. I’d rather not list my position on abortion, Donald Trump, or the World Series in text because I don’t want you to actually know. I just want to pop up in between innocent carpool chit-chat and UPS delivery reminders and give you a little push to consider me. And by “little push” I mean: I need you to commit to voting for me… or else.


5:43 AM — Reminder, today’s the last day to request a prefilled “I’m Voting Republican down the line” ballot. Click <here> to receive it. If you choose to fill out the ballot yourself at the polling location, you’re a moron, because it’s going to make it harder for me to fairly win. Also, when checking off the candidates of your choosing, remember, I know where you live.




2:40 PM — Don’t let my Democratic opponent’s lies deceive you. Here’s a photo he doesn’t want you to see: <Link:DEMCandidate/kissingPUPPY>


5:25 PM — This is your REPUBLICAN candidate 🙂 Really, it’s ME and not my minions whom I’ve locked in a cellar with an endless list of cell phone numbers. I went through a lot of trouble to personally text you. My Democratic opponent doesn’t care enough about constituents like you to reach out via the comforts of your pocket. I care so much that I even had my bots access your contacts. I’m going to text your friends and family to let them know that you’re voting for me and that they’d better vote for me too or you are disowning them.

7:29 PM— I also texted your boss.


6:45 PM — Oops, the photo I sent the other day was NOT photoshopped. Here’s the correct photo my Democratic opponent doesn’t want you to see: <Link:DEMCandidate/KILLING/PUPPY>


12:45 PM — My spyware detected a toilet flushing so I thought I’d check in while you zip your fly to remind you that as your next Republican Governor, I would definitely-maybe-probably not change any state abortion laws. Also, I’m not planning on doing away with public access to voter data. I will however put anyone who blocks these texts on a No Fly List.

12:46 PM — Get it? Zipping your fly? No fly list? 😉 😉 😉

12:49 PM — Vote for me, the Republican candidate for Governor, or things will get WAY worse for you.

12:52 PM — You might not have paid all your taxes last year, just saying.


9:29 PM — Here’s a clip of the non-edited commercial I’m going to run that my Democratic opponent also doesn’t want you to see:
<Link:DEMopponent/CHEATERcheaterPUPPY/eater>


2:34 PM — Hey there, look out your window! It’s me — your Republican candidate for Governor! I’m in your neighborhood doing a last-minute meet and greet. Can you bring out your baby? I have a news crew here ready to get a shot of me holding an infant.

2:36 PM — So what do you say? Do I have your vote?

2:37 PM — And your infant?

2:58 PM — Didn’t hear from you, so I had your car towed. Get it back after Election Day — with proof that you voted for me — only if I win.

3:01 PM — If I lose, your house might suddenly have a lien.


9:31 AM — Hi, this is your DEMOCRATIC Candidate for Governor. My opponent does not believe in basic rights like privacy. So, can I count on your vote?

9:32 AM — You don’t want to find out what happens if I lose.

 

by Rochelle Elana Fisher

Rochelle Elana Fisher

Rochelle is a writer and humorist and girl mom and DIY enthusiast and plant killer and copywriter and exercise hater and amateur designer and X Files fan and pizza lover and sparkling water drinker and non-baker and novelist-in-progress and bunny owner and daughter of an immigrant and NYer and…