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READ THE EMPEROR PALPATINE INDICTMENT

This indictment is about something far more important: financial impropriety.

Sure, We’re Cutting Funding for Libraries, but Our New 17 Million Dollar NYPD Subway Security Robot Is Gay

But whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with Eduardo. If you do, he’ll call you a derogatory slur and then shoot you with a very real gun. We’re still working out some bugs. However, Eduardo’s gun is decorated with the lesbian pride flag. He might be a $17 million dollar gay male NYPD subway security robot, but deep down he’s just an ally doing his best.

We’re Doing Nothing Effective to Reduce Crime, COVID, or Homelessness, but Here Are Three F**King Obvious Tips for Surviving a Nuclear Attack

It’s no secret that crime is up, social programs for mental health are nearly eliminated, COVID is back for the 137th time, and the city’s plan to eradicate homelessness by kicking people off the subway isn’t the miracle we’d hoped. But instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on city-wide programs that address the root causes of these real problems, the Office of Emergency Management is proud to present this 90-second PSA on three extremely fucking obvious tips on surviving a nuclear attack.