Originals

We’re Doing Nothing Effective to Reduce Crime, COVID, or Homelessness, but Here Are Three F**King Obvious Tips for Surviving a Nuclear Attack

“Mayor Eric Adams defended New York City’s newest PSA on Tuesday, saying a nuclear attack preparedness spot from the Office of Emergency Management was a ‘great idea.’” –NBC 4 New York, 7/12/22


It’s no secret that crime is up, social programs for mental health are nearly eliminated, COVID is back for the 137th time, and the city’s plan to eradicate homelessness by kicking people off the subway isn’t the miracle we’d hoped. But instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on city-wide programs that address the root causes of these real problems, the Office of Emergency Management is proud to present this 90-second PSA on three extremely fucking obvious tips on surviving a nuclear attack.

 

Step 1: Get inside.

 

This may seem ridiculously obvious, and that’s because it is. Don’t ask us why we’re being attacked, or how. We have no idea. All we know is that the “big one” has hit. Mayor Adams is forcing us to keep “the big one” in the script and also mention that calling it “the big one” was his idea.



 

So hop to it. Get inside. If you happen to be one of the city’s thousands of homeless people, please just this once, go home. If “home” is the subway, then go to a different home. If “home” is a shelter, they’re all filled and there’s no room for you. We did not anticipate this being a problem when we blew our entire budget to animate a realistic, 3D-rendering of a $5.4 million New York apartment for our actor to slowly walk around while calmly explaining that we’re all totally screwed.


 

Step 2: Stay inside. 

 

This one should be simple, since we’ve all been practicing for the last three years. But we also couldn’t think of anything else and still had 73 seconds to fill on this PSA, so here we are.

 

Close all doors and windows, and move into the basement that the average New Yorker who lives on the 12th floor definitely has. If you’ve been living in one of those illegal fire death trap basement apartments without windows, it looks like that $2,300 a month is finally paying off.

 

If you can, open up your home to your neighbors in need during this time of darkness, which could definitely happen but probably won’t because the chances of a nuclear attack happening anytime soon are very slim. We just needed something to distract from all the other nothing we aren’t doing. There’s also no COVID-related reason not to let unmasked neighbors into your apartment, because if “the big one” does hit, there’s no way a 19th-century pre-war building with lapsed-construction codes will protect you anyway.

 

If you were outside after the blast, get clean immediately. Remove and bag all outer clothing, to keep radioactive dust or ash away from your body. But let’s face it, you should probably do this every time you go outside in New York. It’s not exactly the cleanest place these days, and those pigeons shit on everything. If you were attacked on the subway, on your way home, or in a well-lit Trader Joe’s, remove and bag your clothing for evidence purposes. We won’t actually do anything with it, but we like to show we care.


 

Step 3: Stay tuned!

 

Follow media for more information and for the next appearance by every New Yorker’s favorite Mayor who will be live streaming minute-by-minute coverage of A$AP Rocky’s “Nuclear Blast” party from an underground bunker in Connecticut.

 

Even if there is a nuclear blast that rains toxic ash and dust all over the city, we will not be reinstating a mask mandate. You’ve got this, New York!

 

Watch the real video here:

by Justine Cotter

Justine Cotter

Creative director and humor writer. Words in @mcsweeneys @The_Belladonnas@littleoldlady__ @thisisrobotbutt (she/her)

by Bobbie Armstrong

Bobbie Armstrong

Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’sSlackjawBelladonna ComedyLittle Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @not_bobbi.