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Jack Skellington Opens The St. Patrick's Day Town Door

There's Guinness everywhere / What's this? / There's corned beef in the air. / What's this? / I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming / Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair / What's this?

Forget St. Patrick, Get Drunk for Brigid

I get it. You like to drink. Patrick is your fun guy, the divorced* dad who lets you do anything you please at weekends. And you think because I am a consecrated virgin, I’m no fun? I turned water into beer, you half-wits! You want to dye your beer and your rivers green for that preening jackass, go right ahead, but turning beer into green beer looks pretty weak compared with turning regular H2O into fun juice, you ask me.

CARTOON: Emerald Eats

Unlucky Bites. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Little Known Facts About St. Patrick’s Day

Large cities like Chicago dye their river green each year to blend in any vomit spewed by people who’ve been drinking since 10 AM. Every time a drunk man stumbles, a leprechaun gets its wings. Corned beef and cabbage exist only on this holiday. Any leftover corned beef and cabbage will turn into a honey-glazed Easter ham at the stroke of midnight. And more!

CARTOON: Bagged

Hey pipe down. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

#IrishATvShow

Limerick and Morty, Danny Boy Meets World, Saved by the Belfast, and more! It's #IrishATvShow on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Kiss Me!

Also first time wearing pants in a year. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

CARTOON: Don't Stand So Close To Me

Don't corn my beef. Today's cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

CARTOON: Luckless

Also all pots of gold will now be filled with toilet paper. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Lepre-Caan's St. Patrick's Day Tips

No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into…