Lepre-Caan’s St. Patrick’s Day Tips

No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar!

A snub-nosed 38 pressed into a rib-cage is so much more effective.

Fighting Is No Way To Spend Any Holiday

Let those other jokers tire themselves out with drunken brawling, then you can swoop in and steal their broads.

Offer Aid To Those Who Are Confused And Sick From Alcohol Overuse

Sure, sure…  but get any puke on these shoes, and I’ll bust your frickin’ head open.

Be Sure To Watch Over Your Pot O’ Gold!

And don’t be afraid to slap a few faces in order to keep them away.   For everyone else, a nice, deep cigarette burn will make them think twice about being a little bitch.

Don’t Drink Too Much; You Could Get Sick!

Or even worse, wake up with Eastwood’s finger in your keister.    Christ, what a drunk.

Remember:  Drinking and Driving Is Not Cool!!

Probably necessary, ultimately, but not cool.    But what’re you gonna do, not drink?    Shit.

Don’t Let Things Get Too Out Of Control!

We don’t want a repeat of last time.   You know what happens when I get angry, and yet you…   I just grabbed your arm for a second…  I don’t know why it left a bruise.    Sheila! Get out of my head!!


by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence