Originals

The Ellen DeGeneres Show Lineup: Even These Terrible People Deserve Kindness!

by Homa Mojtabai

Everyone is mad at me for being friends with George W. Bush because he’s an anti-gay, pro-war liar who has done more to hurt America than anyone except maybe the Taliban.

That’s just silly.

I’m friends with all kinds of people who I don’t agree with, including those monsters who wear fur and actual monsters, like George W. Bush.

Nothing is more important than treating everyone with kindness and respect. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a war criminal or a rapist, if you’re friends with a billionaire, you’re friends with me.



That’s why I’ll be highlighting some terrible, terrible people who are nevertheless worthy of kindness, respect, and a seat at a fancy sports stadium subsidized by public funds.

Some of these guys have already been on my show, but it never hurts to bring them back and give them another chance to redeem themselves!

 

The guests of honor are:

  1. George W. Bush. Duh. He’s my friend. We’ve been through this. Also, despite what we think of his war mongering,the people of Iraq really love him.
  2. Roman Polanski. Genius filmmaker. Still winning awards even after he (allegedly) drugged and raped a 13 year old girl. He didn’t drug and rape ME, so we’re good.
  3. Harvey Weinstein. Kind of in the same boat as Roman. Brilliant guy and I’m fine with him because kindness matters and he never raped me personally.
  4. Matt Lauer. ANOTHER (alleged) sexual predator. You might be thinking, what’s with my being friends with rapists? It has nothing to do with all their money and power, but with my kindness.
  5. Steven Mnuchin. Yes, he made his millions kicking poor people out of their homes AND he’s kind of a crook, but he’s also a major Hollywood producer so therefore my good friend.
  6. Prince Andrew. It’s not Andy’s fault he was friends with Jeffrey Epstein, and Meghan Markle is a good friend of mine, so he’s invited to my show where I will ask him softball questions and make him feel good about himself.
  7. People who wear fur. I go back and forth on the fur wearers, because I find the suffering of animals so much more upsetting than the suffering of human beings, but really I just think kindness matters more than anything.

 

The one person I will never invite onto my show is Donald Trump, because Trump doesn’t believe in the same things I do and we don’t share the same values and while I can forgive war-mongers and rapists and fur-wearers and crooks, there’s a line somewhere, theoretically, that I have to draw and I can’t tell you what that line is but I just know that Donald Trump has crossed it.