The Harkonnen Family Holiday Letter – Year 10191 AG

Dear Family and Frenemies,

 

We hope that you, like us, have had a wonderfully miserable holiday season. This year we have counted myriad blessings, unique new forms of torture, and many fulfilling career developments in the descendants of my bloodline.

 

My son, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen reclaimed the Siridar Fief of Arrakis from the contemptibly kind Duke Leto, finally achieving his lifelong goal of destroying the house of Atreides (yay!) and restoring a social order built on treachery and punishment. It seems like just yesterday I was giving him his first oil and balsamic vinegar bath!

 

In another exciting career development, my grandson Glossu Rabban (his friends call him “Beast” ever since he strangled his father) was appointed Governor of Arrakis! Before anyone starts throwing out terms like “nepo baby,” I can assure you he climbed to the top of the Harkonnen hierarchy through our traditional family values of deceit, trickery, and assassination. Outside of work, Beast continues to volunteer at his neighborhood slave-auction ring and be an active member of the weightlifting community.

 

Feyd-Rautha started off the year per-usual as the family favorite, killing not one but three Atreides slaves (one of which wasn’t even drugged!) in a Gladiatorial match that drew rave reviews in all of our state-controlled media outlets. I was in the front row cheering him on with a bag of orange slices in case he needed them (but of course he didn’t!). Feyd-Rautha also became Governor of Arrakis and quickly took to 1. Exterminating the Fremen rats, 2. Passing the Gom Jabbar “Test of Humanity” with flying colors, and 3. Slitting the throats of his many Darlings not because they did anything but just because he felt like it. Some people might think he’s an overachiever, I just think he’s a Harkonnen 😉

 

Lastly, we ended up having a somewhat unexpected family reunion when we discovered a couple of brand new relatives: Lady Jessica and Paul Atreides! This was hard to believe at first but it was confirmed by both the ‘Water of Life’ and by ‘23,000-and-Me.’ It was so lovely and meaningful to reconnect them with our heritage and I’m happy to report that the family reunion ended in a brutal knife fight.

 

I couldn’t be prouder to see that Jessica’s son Paul has lived up to his family tradition of ambition, hatred and violence. Since murdering the Baron and conquering Arrakis, Paul has not only usurped Emperor Shaddam IV (starting a galaxy-wide jihad which is sure to kill millions) but also cheated on his long-time girlfriend. Paul now fancies himself unbound by the constraints of monogamy but I suspect we may hear some wedding bells in the future for him and Princess Irulan! Perhaps a new addition to the family is on the way!? (Haha I know, I know! I’m sorry Paul but this is what great-grandmas are here for!)

 

All jokes aside, it has been wonderful to see all the descendants of my bloodline doing work they love, taking risks and succeeding, and making use of all of their talents. Everything they do, they do with such malice. Words cannot express how fortunate and grateful we are for our horrible family, frenemies and now… freMenemies (LOL).

 

Cold regards,

Victoria Harkonnen