Tips for Writing a Happy Obituary
Start with, “They were the life of the party.” No one needs to know they were never invited.
Be sure to mention that the dearly departed was surrounded by loved ones. Lonely corpses are sad.
Note that they “died peacefully.” Last breath tantrums are unappealing.
“They died doing what they love” is a good line. Who are we to judge? Who doesn’t adore cancer, car crashes, self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head?
Say they were, “a fighter, battled valiantly till the end!” The fact that they gave up on life years ago is irrelevant.
Remember, it’s a “Celebration of Life,” not a funeral. Funerals are depressing.
Be sure to mention they’re in a “better place.” Earth sucks, so this is true for everyone.
Highly recommend throwing in Heaven. Avoid Hell. It’s a downer (though you know that’s where they’re headed).
Their death was “tragic,” and must be noted as such. Yes, even if they died peacefully in their sleep, surrounded by loved ones, doing what they loved. I know this isn’t happy, but it helps bring in the dough (see last tip).
In Lieu of flowers, please send donations to [YOUR GOFUNDME PAGE]. Might as well profit off the poor bastard.
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M.R. Mandell is a poet based in Los Angeles. You can find her exploring the city with her muse, a Golden Retriever named Chester Blue, and her husband, also a writer.
