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CARTOON: Freshly Sealed

Plastic Preserved. Today's cartoon by Ed Himelblau.

Everything I Remember

As I handle mementos around my house, they bring up recollections from many years ago. The movie-ticket stub that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The program from a play that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The public garbage can that I carried home in case anything else interesting was in there. Now I use it to store my mementos.

CARTOON: Electric Escape

Fuming mad. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Dead Zone

Disconnected Descent. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow.

Lesser Known Bodies of Everest

Tired of seeing all those normal frozen hikers? See what Everest doesn't want you to see! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

CARTOON: Reaping Reflections

Soulful Sessions. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Visitation

Hell o. Today's cartoon by Alan Rozanski.

CARTOON: Test Results

Is hope that circling? No, no it's not. Today's cartoon by Arun Durvasula.

CARTOON: New Hot Spot

Deserted Dessert? 5 stars. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

CARTOON: Detected

In for a neat treat. Today's cartoon by Rachelle Meyer.

CARTOON: Cutting Carbs

Gluten free me! Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Wing Man

After more than a century of trying, I was finally an Angel/First Class…ironically. Yes, my Wings were gained via sarcasm. So technically, I have two glowing, glorious Wings growing out of my back now. But they might as well be two glowing, glorious Asterisks.

CARTOON: Wordle Whoas

Finally, peace. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

CARTOON: Hellish Terms

Devil's in the details. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill

CARTOON: Significant Smother

Feels like a trap. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

RottingStone Magazine

Visiting The Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Maim, 'Name That Tomb' with Casey Kasem, Jerry Garcia Seance- Gratefully Dead, Or Not So Much? and more in RottingStone Magazine!

Newsbleak Magazine

Study Confirms: We're All Gonna Die! HEALTH: That Thing On Your Neck? Yikes, Better Have Someone Take A Look! CRYPTO: Please Don't Use It To Buy Our Magazine, and more bad news in Newsbleak Magazine!

CARTOON: Eternally Stubborn

Mind is made up! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Thinking of You

When you care enough for them to do the very least. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

I’m The Peloton Bike That Killed Mr. Big, and I’d Like to Set The Record Straight

I can't understand why the media is so insistent on making me this season’s villain. Did you not see Charlotte struggling to cry through Botox? Carrie redirecting every conversation back to herself? Miranda, simply existing? And you think I’m the bad guy? An inanimate object hasn’t been so unfairly villainized since the crockpot on 'This is Us'.

Reaper's Diegest

'Ding Dong, Fooled You! and 6 Other Practical Jokes No Reaper Can Resist', 'Slim Reapers: This Year's Most Flattering Death Robes!' 'Which Celebrities Are On Your Bucket List?' and More from this month's Reaper's Digest!

The Email Graveyard

95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

Obituary: Film Critic's Life Lacked Compelling Narrative Arc

Internet movie critic Robert “Bob” Umeck passed away in his sleep on Friday night at the age of 79. Bob’s death was as uneventful as his life, which can be described, at best, as thoroughly mediocre. What began as a promising youth quickly devolved into a middle age section that failed to adequately deliver on its original premise.

Deluxe Features Of Local Haunted Houses In Your Area!

Moorecrest Manor, 1142 Autumn Harvest Lane: Walls bleed extremely rare blood type AB negative, so ideal for charity blood drive location. Portal to Hell greatly reduces heating bills during the winter. Ghost of little girl in the attic can be listed as a dependent on tax forms.

CARTOON: Feeling Shattered

That's gonna stain. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

CARTOON: Original Tastemakers

Nutty texture with a burning mouth-feel... Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Gravestones, As Written By Your Parents

Dignified descriptions. Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

CARTOON: Recycle

Reduce your carbon head-print. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

CARTOON: Taken Talent

After a while you won't even notice. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Semi Wacked

Only a quick nap with the fishes. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

In Loving Memory

Charity Case was born in 1942 in Kansas City, to Albert and Sue Greenberg. She was a pillar of strength and kindness in the community. A doting mother, she is survived by two wonderful sons, Head Case and Basket Case, and a beautiful daughter, Vanity Case.

CARTOON: Covidiot

Can't take my freedumb! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Killing Time

A slow burn. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw. Check out his new book 'The Elements of Stress' available now!

CARTOON: Fatal Flattery

Killer compliment. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

CARTOON: Lemmings

Freedoom. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Prevent Coronavirus with These Methods of Olde Tymes

After all, nobody died of Coronavirus 800 years ago. Try some of these time-tested methods for preventing plague and hack the coronavirus, old-school style.

The Admissions Committee on Reincarnated Souls (ACORS)

“I see we have an opening for an Associate Marketing Manager in Kentucky,” Rodney said, flipping through a Rolodex. “Fine,” Susan said, rapping her nails on the table. “Next soul.”

Instructions for My Inclusion in the Oscars In Memoriam Section

As indicated in my will, I am open to sponsorship from brands if there's a natural tie in.

Examples of Accidental Magic

In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

CARTOON: Drawn To A Close

Drawn to a close. Did we miss any? Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

CARTOON: Killer Deals

Killer deals. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Festive Methods Of Suicide

    The Ol’ Mistletoe over the exhaust…

What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service

Now, allegedly, Cassandra has invited Rebecca to the funeral and wants her to sit with the family DESPITE Jackie’s clear objections! Get ready for the fireworks, especially if Rebecca has already been in the Moscato!

Thank You For Attending This Memorial Service, Please Vote On November 6th

  Thank you for joining us today at St. Ben’s as we honor…

CARTOON: Modern Legacy

It's what she would have #wanted. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

How to Carve a Pumpkin, as Explained by Ronnie the Pumpkin

Everything you love will be ripped away from you. Always pick a shiny pumpkin!

CARTOON: Heavenly Expectations

Why was I trying so hard again? Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Final Flush

Making those important last arrangements for beyond the drain.

11 Cereal Brands, Ranked by How Much They Could Also Be Cults

11. Trader Joe’s 10. America’s Choice 9. General…

Flu Watch 2018: Symptoms We’re Already Dead

Reports are in, and the toxicity of this year’s flu strains,…

Is This Eulogy A Bad Time To Announce That I'm Running For Office?

Dearly Beloved, We are gathered here today to honor the memory…

Nihilistic Airport Announcements

Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate…

Why I’m Inviting This Season’s Winner of MasterChef Junior to Read My Eulogy

Okay, first off, huge fan of the show, and please-- please, hold…

Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World

Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The…

Grim Reaper’s 2016 Party Gets Outta Control

Looks like someone can’t get enough celebrating this year,…

Can We Guess Your Age As Part Of A Deeply Sinister Population Control Program?

It's time for us to come clean, readers. Now that the cat…

Eulogy for a Cobra Command Henchmen

Hello, thank you all for coming today. We are here not to mourn,…