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CARTOON: Detected
In for a neat treat. Today's cartoon by Rachelle Meyer.

CARTOON: Cutting Carbs
Gluten free me! Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Wing Man
After more than a century of trying, I was finally an Angel/First Class…ironically. Yes, my Wings were gained via sarcasm. So technically, I have two glowing, glorious Wings growing out of my back now. But they might as well be two glowing, glorious Asterisks.

CARTOON: Wordle Whoas
Finally, peace. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage
OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

CARTOON: Hellish Terms
Devil's in the details. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill

CARTOON: Significant Smother
Feels like a trap. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

RottingStone Magazine
Visiting The Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Maim, 'Name That Tomb' with Casey Kasem, Jerry Garcia Seance- Gratefully Dead, Or Not So Much? and more in RottingStone Magazine!

Newsbleak Magazine
Study Confirms: We're All Gonna Die! HEALTH: That Thing On Your Neck? Yikes, Better Have Someone Take A Look! CRYPTO: Please Don't Use It To Buy Our Magazine, and more bad news in Newsbleak Magazine!

CARTOON: Eternally Stubborn
Mind is made up! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Thinking of You
When you care enough for them to do the very least. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

I’m The Peloton Bike That Killed Mr. Big, and I’d Like to Set The Record Straight
I can't understand why the media is so insistent on making me this season’s villain. Did you not see Charlotte struggling to cry through Botox? Carrie redirecting every conversation back to herself? Miranda, simply existing? And you think I’m the bad guy? An inanimate object hasn’t been so unfairly villainized since the crockpot on 'This is Us'.

Reaper's Diegest
'Ding Dong, Fooled You! and 6 Other Practical Jokes No Reaper Can Resist', 'Slim Reapers: This Year's Most Flattering Death Robes!' 'Which Celebrities Are On Your Bucket List?' and More from this month's Reaper's Digest!

The Email Graveyard
95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

Obituary: Film Critic's Life Lacked Compelling Narrative Arc
Internet movie critic Robert “Bob” Umeck passed away in his sleep on Friday night at the age of 79. Bob’s death was as uneventful as his life, which can be described, at best, as thoroughly mediocre. What began as a promising youth quickly devolved into a middle age section that failed to adequately deliver on its original premise.

Deluxe Features Of Local Haunted Houses In Your Area!
Moorecrest Manor, 1142 Autumn Harvest Lane: Walls bleed extremely rare blood type AB negative, so ideal for charity blood drive location. Portal to Hell greatly reduces heating bills during the winter. Ghost of little girl in the attic can be listed as a dependent on tax forms.

CARTOON: Feeling Shattered
That's gonna stain. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

CARTOON: Original Tastemakers
Nutty texture with a burning mouth-feel... Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Gravestones, As Written By Your Parents
Dignified descriptions. Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

CARTOON: Recycle
Reduce your carbon head-print. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

CARTOON: Taken Talent
After a while you won't even notice. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Semi Wacked
Only a quick nap with the fishes. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

In Loving Memory
Charity Case was born in 1942 in Kansas City, to Albert and Sue Greenberg. She was a pillar of strength and kindness in the community. A doting mother, she is survived by two wonderful sons, Head Case and Basket Case, and a beautiful daughter, Vanity Case.

CARTOON: Covidiot
Can't take my freedumb! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Killing Time
A slow burn. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw. Check out his new book 'The Elements of Stress' available now!

CARTOON: Fatal Flattery
Killer compliment. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

CARTOON: Lemmings
Freedoom. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Prevent Coronavirus with These Methods of Olde Tymes
After all, nobody died of Coronavirus 800 years ago. Try some of these time-tested methods for preventing plague and hack the coronavirus, old-school style.

The Admissions Committee on Reincarnated Souls (ACORS)
“I see we have an opening for an Associate Marketing Manager in Kentucky,” Rodney said, flipping through a Rolodex.
“Fine,” Susan said, rapping her nails on the table. “Next soul.”

Instructions for My Inclusion in the Oscars In Memoriam Section
As indicated in my will, I am open to sponsorship from brands if there's a natural tie in.

Examples of Accidental Magic
In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

CARTOON: New Hot Spot
Deserted Dessert? 5 stars. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

CARTOON: Drawn To A Close
Drawn to a close. Did we miss any? Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

CARTOON: Killer Deals
Killer deals. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Festive Methods Of Suicide
The Ol’ Mistletoe over the exhaust…

What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service
Now, allegedly, Cassandra has invited Rebecca to the funeral and wants her to sit with the family DESPITE Jackie’s clear objections! Get ready for the fireworks, especially if Rebecca has already been in the Moscato!

Thank You For Attending This Memorial Service, Please Vote On November 6th
Thank you for joining us today at St. Ben’s as we honor…

CARTOON: Modern Legacy
It's what she would have #wanted. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

How to Carve a Pumpkin, as Explained by Ronnie the Pumpkin
Everything you love will be ripped away from you. Always pick a shiny pumpkin!

CARTOON: Heavenly Expectations
Why was I trying so hard again? Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Final Flush
Making those important last arrangements for beyond the drain.


Things You Say to a Dead Loved One OR Your Kid When They’re at Sleep Away Camp for the First Time
We miss you terribly.
Are you making…



11 Cereal Brands, Ranked by How Much They Could Also Be Cults
11. Trader Joe’s
10. America’s Choice
9. General…

Flu Watch 2018: Symptoms We’re Already Dead
Reports are in, and the toxicity of this year’s flu strains,…

Is This Eulogy A Bad Time To Announce That I'm Running For Office?
Dearly Beloved,
We are gathered here today to honor the memory…

Nihilistic Airport Announcements
Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate…

Why I’m Inviting This Season’s Winner of MasterChef Junior to Read My Eulogy
Okay, first off, huge fan of the show, and please-- please, hold…

Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World
Finding Chemo
The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job
The…



Grim Reaper’s 2016 Party Gets Outta Control
Looks like someone can’t get enough celebrating this year,…



Can We Guess Your Age As Part Of A Deeply Sinister Population Control Program?
It's time for us to come clean, readers.
Now that the cat…


Eulogy for a Cobra Command Henchmen
Hello, thank you all for coming today. We are here not to mourn,…