Welcome to Patrick Bateman’s YouTube Channel

Hey guys, thanks so much for joining me again today! As you know, I usually focus on skincare and fitness regimens here, but a lot of you have been asking about my getting-away-with-multiple-murders routine, so without further ado, here are my hacks. (Laughs) I’m so bad!

Ok, first things first, you’re gonna want to run with a crowd of similar-looking friends who all have similar-looking significant others. It’s ok to set yourself apart a little by having a slightly better haircut, but trust me guys — being indistinguishable from your peers is all part of successfully getting away with being a serial killer.

Next, make sure those friends are just as shallow and self-absorbed as you are. If they’re constantly concerned with their looks, wardrobes, business cards, and dinner reservations, there’s no way they have time to wonder or care about anyone else. They won’t even register that freaky confession you said directly to them.

Also, just don’t be afraid to be hot. People inherently trust hotter people way more; it’s a scientific fact. If you’re smokin’, not only will others be more likely to believe you when you say you don’t know what happened to that missing person, but they’ll also be more willing to sleep with you and become yet another of your potential victims, so win-win!

As you can see, now we’re in a dark alleyway. I know, sorry about the lighting, but it’s kind of crucial to the whole not-getting-caught thing. I’m gonna go ahead and leave on my herb-mint facial mask while we do this…I know, I look funny, but this is so important…I like to have buttery-feeling skin and a healthy glow whenever I eviscerate someone.

So, here’s an unsuspecting victim nobody will miss. She is so stunning, I almost feel bad about killing her, but not enough. On with the leather gloves, and shout out to Harper — thanks girl for this adorable lambskin pair! They are such a vibe. Perfect for keeping fingerprints at bay and, most of all, saving my manicure…

…Ok, and murder complete! (breathes heavily) Sorry, I’m having a moment right now. On to the tricky part — getting away with it.

Now as you guys already know, I only promote stuff if I truly believe in the product, which is why I cannot say enough good things about this Jean Paul Gaultier garment bag. Not only is it stylish, it’s practical for concealing and disposing of dead bodies and it can distract your dumbass friends from realizing there even is a body inside. They’ll be so busy admiring your exquisite taste that they won’t notice the distinct adult human shape inside. Crazy, right?

The privacy of your home can be a good place to kill someone too, and the light is way better. You’ll want to have a lot of cleaning products on hand. I discovered this no-splash bleach the other day, and guys, I can’t even tell you how obsessed I am. Also, make sure you blast some music if this is the route you choose to go — not only is it fun to give your clueless victims a little monologue about your favorite tunes in the last moments of their lives, but the noise level helps keep your neighbors from hearing the screams or the sound of chainsaws. Don’t be afraid to dance like no one’s watching, because no one will be!

For those at-home murders, feel free to utilize your kitchen freezer for body parts afterward. It’s a great option when you’re not sure how long you want to have the corpse around, and it takes care of the whole smell problem. You don’t want your sanctuary to reek of death later when you’re ready to unwind with some self-care.

Last but not least, always appreciate your supporters, whomever they may be. I personally find some of the alt-right camp kind of poor and gross, but if they want to deify me for my wealth, sex life, and ability to get away with hurting women, well then, who am I to be judge-y? You never know what moron might be willing to take the fall for you in the future, so all I’m saying is keep those options open.

That’s all from me for today, but thank you guys for watching. I’ll try to add some of this to my TikTok and Insta Reels later if I have time. Please hit “Subscribe” if you haven’t already, and keep slayin’!