Which Vape Flavors Are the Cardinals Using for Smoke Signals this Conclave?

Happy Conclave season from me and mine to you and yours! I know we all think we’re privy to the inner workings of those sequestered cardinals, after watching Conclave at least 77 times. However, I’m here to tell you that there are still a few mysteries the film didn’t cover. Secrets so hallowed by the reigning leaders of the Roman Catholic Church that not even Stanly Tucci is hip to them. But fear not my Vatican-beguiled friends! As a close confidant of the current Camerlengo, Cardinal Kevin Farrell (close relation of Colin Farrell), I have absolutely not been given permission to release this sensitive information to the public. Nevertheless, I feel as though it’s my duty to the Catholic community to spread the word of God through this very crucial report on the nitty-gritty details of Conclave 2025.

 

On top of voting in a new Pope, the Cardinals have another very difficult and important decision to make– what vape flavors they will be blowing up the Holy Conclave Chimney. The debate over which vape flavors to pick for the smoke signals can create a highly strained environment in the Sistine Chapel, as the cardinals can pick only TWO flavors for every Conclave. Only two?! Can you even imagine?? While we unsequestered members of the world have the freedom to pick two, three, even four flavors of vapes to smoke on a given day, those poor cardinals are sanctioned by the Father, the Son, AND the Holy Spirit to smoke the same two flavors for the potential days and days of deliberation it may take to decide on a new Pope.

 

Let me break down the Cardinals’ Day One Conclave schedule for you–

 

10:00 am Vatican Time (VT) : 4:00 am EST (for viewing the Live Smoke Cam on YouTube)

• Attend mass at St. Peter’s Basilica to pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance in voting on two vape flavors to smoke during the Conclave. And voting on the new Pope too… I guess.

 

4:30 pm VT : 10:30 am EST

• Proceed in a formal and somber fashion to the Sistine Chapel, breathing in those last few breaths of crisp, vape smoke-filled Roman air for inspiration before being cut off from the outside world.

 

5:25 pm VT : 11:25 am EST

• Seal the chapel doors and take the Oath of Secrecy, ensuring that the proceedings regarding the vape flavors and the new Pope remain confidential. (Not naming names, but someone crossed his Camerlengo fingers while taking the Oath of Secrecy this year)

 

6:00 pm VT : 12:00 pm EST

• Finally, the voting begins! The voting on vape flavors, I mean. This vote has a much tighter deadline than the vote for the Pope, as a smoke signal will need to be released from the Holy Conclave Chimney immediately after the first vote (for the Pope) has concluded.
• Now, choosing two vape flavors for the smoke signals is, historically, a very arduous and controversial experience. First, the Cardinals vote on which flavor will fuel the “No Pope Yet” black smoke- Blackberry? Too on the nose. Watermelon? Too jovial. Menthol? Too traditional, they’re hopefully trying to follow in Francis’s progressive footsteps after all! Oh how will these Cardinals ever settle on just two measly flavors?! It used to be so much simpler, back in the day, when there was only one flavor to choose from– tobacco flavor.

 

6:20 pm VT : 12:20 pm EST

• Vanilla? Mango? Cotton Candy? The Cardinals are split– no two-thirds majority yet. And this is just for the black smoke! How oh how will they choose??

 

6:35 pm VT : 12:35 pm EST

• A decision has been reached regarding the black smoke. The flavor of the “No Pope Yet” vape smoke the Cardinals will be blowing up the Holy Conclave Chimney during Conclave 2025 will be Kiwi Passion Fruit Guava.

 

6:40 pm VT : 12:40 pm EST

• A five minute break between voting rounds to allow the cardinals to rest up and confer with the Holy Spirit in regards to the white smoke vape flavor.

 

6:45 pm VT : 12:45 pm EST

• Voting for the vape flavor of the white smoke commences.

 

6:47 pm VT : 12:47 pm EST

• Voting for the vape flavor of the white smoke has ended. The Cardinals unanimously voted for Bubblegum Ice.

 

7:00 pm VT : 1:00 pm EST

• The vote for the new Pope has begun.

 

7:30 pm VT : 1:30 pm EST

• The first vote for the new Pope of the Roman Catholic Church has concluded– no cries of “Habemus Papam!” (“We have a Pope!”) will be heard from the Senior Cardinal Deacon on this day, followed by the whimsical scent of Bubblegum Ice.

 

7:35 pm VT : 1:35 pm EST

• The Camerlengo unlocks the closet in which the Vatican stores every flavor of vape available on the current market, in case of a Conclave.
• An army of nuns hands out the holy smokes.
• The Cardinals all unsheath their lime green Kiwi Passion Fruit Guava vapes from holsters hidden in the folds of their elbow-length scarlet capes. The holsters are a part of the new Cardinal Conclave Uniform implemented for the 2005 Conclave, when the Cardinals finally escaped Pope John Paul II’s lame and crusty sense of style in favor of a chicer uniform.

 

7:45 pm VT : 1:45 pm EST

• The Cardinals all gather around the Holy Conclave Chimney, take a collective deep breath, draw their vapes, and blow an impressive cloud of black, Kiwi Passion Fruit Guava vape smoke up the flue and out into the world. The Cardinals do not cough, as doing so would be a mortal sin in the eyes of God.

 

Thus ends Day One of Conclave 2025. Personally, Stanley Tucci has my vote for Pope.